Learning to Forget Oneself

1.      Read the quote by Henri Nouwen on page 158. What are some of the signs that one of the following people might be struggling with “approval addiction”?

a.     A child

A child who always looks to a parent before making a choice; who lets the parent make the choices; who asks before doing anything; who shows a grownup every little thing that she does; who will read a book even if it does not interest her; who will make choices based upon what will make her parents happy.

b.     A teen

A teen who goes out of his way to fit in with the crowd; who chooses to tag along even as a mascot to the group; who joins in activities that don’t actually appeal to him; who tries to follow in a parent’s footsteps; who tries to excel in what his father excelled in; who becomes the teacher’s pet if his peers won’t accept him.

c.      An adult

An adult who takes a vote among her peers before making any decision; who seeks confirmation before doing anything;  who is more concerned with keeping everyone happy around her even if she is miserable; who will say “yes” to anything just for the chance to do something for another; who makes herself available for anything at anytime.

1 Corinthians 4:3-5 & Galatians 1:10

2.     How might your life change if you had the same attitude as the apostle Paul when it comes to being judged and criticized by other people?

I would not be at the mercy of the winds and the waves. I kid you not. I try to explain this and people don’t believe me. I thought this would be more prevalent … I would have thought I wouldn’t be alone in this.

I could be a having a perfectly productive, brilliant day. I am chugging along, thinking I’m doing a beneficial thing. Then someone frowns at me. All of a sudden, life is not worth living. What did I do? What did they discover? Why don’t they like me?

I used to combat this with a smile. I just tricked everyone else into smiling. I smile first, they have to smile back. It is contagious - few can resist. I made it my research project.

If you follow this blog at all, you might remember that I mentioned that someone took my smile away. They discredited it. They said it couldn’t always be real. That it was okay not to smile. It was okay to be sad.

If I suffered from an ounce of paranoia before, now I have it in gallons.

Of course, all this means is that I live like it is all about me. That I am the sun and you are the planets. Okay, honesty – I am the super, mega galaxy and you are my stars. And if you don’t agree, well black hole. But if you support me – supernova! (hmmm, I like this. Astronomy was always one of my things …)

Anyway, if I could live like other people’s opinions didn’t matter to me? WOW! It might be like receiving a keel. And having my rudder returned. And really that is freedom right there. Then I just have to add Jesus into the equation. Do it for Him. There’s always a catch ;)

Why is it so hard to maintain this kind of attitude day in and day out?

For me … I get side-tracked so easily. I have knee-jerk responses. I’m not prepared. I’m missing my armor … And little things can throw me for a loop. I handle big things well though.

You know, what's best … when you get the wind knocked out of you and you can no longer think about yourself, and can only dwell on damage control. Auto-pilot is on. And auto-pilot cannot worry about what everyone else is thinking.

“In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33b (NIV)

A Life of Freedom

At last, another chapter written for me. A chapter I can understand. A chapter I should read daily.  This chapter should be a book. I think it is. I am pretty sure I have read it. Yes, Approval Addiction: Overcoming the Need to Please Everyone by Joyce Meyer. But it still doesn’t help.

How did I go from “A Life of Freedom” and “The Practice of Secrecy” to “Approval Addiction”? Ask the author. It is the route he took. I am to train towards a freedom from caring what others think. God is the only one who matters. How do I work towards this? I serve in secret.

I’ve come to the point in this book where I am stuck in a conundrum. If I think much more, I will lose my sanity. Everything is connected and rightly so. This particular discipline could easily be placed next to the discipline of humility. In fact, I wish they would have been closer together.

I live on an extreme continuum. At any given moment I might feel, “Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. I think I’ll go eat worms.” And in the next instant I want to be, “The Biggest Thing in the Ocean.” How can we live like this? The truth is I am not the only one who feels this way. We are living in a fallen state.

Here I am, reading a book that calls it what it is and leaves no room for excuses. It gives guidance for living a better life. And I am overwhelmed. I read a chapter in the morning; I set off with good intentions and am a failure by 10am. I am not dealing with the hard stuff either.

I get it in my mind that I should just pick a few disciplines to focus upon. I am gonna pick favorites too, of course. I want to train for JOY. I want to focus on SLOWING DOWN. I want to keep my ears open for the SPIRIT’S NUDGING. I am willing to keep HUMILITY in the fore front of my mind. And I really think that needs to go hand in hand with practicing SECRECY.

Boy, that list is long. I think I picked all but two of the disciplines I’ve studied so far. I am really just choosing to ignore the toughies for me as an individual. Three is a good number. God loves the number three. I need HUMILITY and SECRECY to balance each other out. I pick JOY because I want to be joyful always. I don’t want to be moody and tearful and helpless and hopeless.

Hell. How about one – just one? Can I pick just one? My mental health is important. How can I choose? Hey! I know! Can you choose for me? Downward spiral … writing my own Bell Jar in my head. And I’m currently in a normal state of mind …

I think my problem here is that I am not meant to take on these tasks alone. I am supposed to be working with a group of like-minded people. This is a journey better taken together with support and accountability. I need a group of people who hold each other up and lift each other up. I need a group of people I can count on to pull me out of the bad places and restore my focus on the Holy One.

‘Cause in the end, this is only a book. It may be a good book. It may be a necessary book. But it is not THE book. And it may not be a book that can lead me to a closer relationship with Jesus. In fact, it might be obstructing me. It is very good at pointing out my flaws. And I am pretty much already well aware of those. I am “an intelligent woman”.

This book is turning me inward entirely too much. And I can do that on my own. I need to focus outward which may be the book’s intent, but it is not working for me … it’s not a book I need. It’s Jesus I need … OUCH said the librarian.

You know … the only reason I read so many books is because it helps me for my job … I finally realized about a year and a half ago, that if I didn’t work in the children’s department, I wouldn’t “have” to read them all. And wouldn’t that be refreshing? To do something else? Yes, I said that out loud. Kept it to myself for a LONG time.

And am now drinking my coffee black. YIKES!

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

Inattentive

What are some of the things that get in the way of you being attentive to God?

My wondering mind. My distracted mind. My temper tantrum nature. My “I’m the most impressive thing in the room” nature. My desire to be noticed. My desire to be seen. My desire to be appreciated. My insecurities. My fear. My distrustful nature. My unwillingness to take risks. My uncertainties. My perfectionism followed by my inability to be perfect. My relationship with this world. My discontent. My dissatisfaction. My hedonism. My busyness.

What can you do to remove some of these roadblocks in the coming week?

Seriously? (Note to self: read all questions first and then answer.) Prayer, Prayer, Prayer. Praise, Praise, Praise. Serve, Serve, Serve. Rinse and Repeat as necessary.

1.     Why are so many followers of Christ cautious about speaking of God actually leading them or giving them promotions in life?

I am so suspicious of others who claim such things. I guess I am jealous of the relationship with God that others have. My suspicion discounts their truth?

I am afraid of my manipulative character. Am I using this tactic for my personal gain? Or am I using it because it is true. Is it true? Do I try to make it true by adding that God is leading me?

What if someone else disagrees with you? Who is right? Isn’t it easier to keep silent.

If I am not cautious, but others are, does it even make a difference.

2.    What  practices, habits, or disciplines have you learned that have helped you grow in attentiveness to God?

I have made a habit in the last two years of reading Christian non-fiction. I have not dug as deep as I am currently digging with this particular book. I would read a chapter every day and it stayed with me so much more than anything else. I looked forward to that chapter. Sometimes I had to check myself from moving forward. But it has kept God much more to the forefront of my mind that He would have been otherwise.

I have been serving the church in the last seven, seven? years. And I have increased my responsibilities as it were a little more every year. I have dropped a few as they have not brought me joy. And there are still other things I would like to try. But this certainly keeps me closer to God.

As a youth, I was always at church. I loved to be there. I miss that school and church are no longer as connected. But I love that now I have good reasons to be there and am not questioned when I am. There’s nothing like a quiet, dark sanctuary to provide the mystery of God’s Presence.

And it just came to me. The running. I’ve been running in the early hours of the morning since last April and I have seen God in the Heavens and the Wildlife and the brisk, take-your-breath-away wind. It’s the most alone and separate from the world that I can feel today and yet as safe as can be with God. That’s when I feel Him watching me.

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that you care for him?
Psalm 8:3 (ESV)

Send me PLEASE?

1 Samuel 3:1-10

1.      Tell about a time when God was speaking to you and trying to get your attention, but it took a long time for you to tune in and realize God was seeking to move you.

It's very hard to talk about this because I still don't have the answer. And to even put it out there … I'm a librarian. I have my Masters in Library and Information Science. So I tend to think of myself as a librarian and nothing else. But that is not true. Librarianship is just a career that makes use of my many gifts and talents and so it is a good fit. It is just not the only possible fit and I need to see outside of that.

I had been lamenting the fact that the church didn't have a library and didn't need a librarian because I would LOVE that. LOVE that! I just assumed that because I didn't have lovely DCE degree, or wasn't a man so I couldn't preach, that I was simply out of luck. NO, I don't want to go back to school. Or maybe I do, but don't see it as a possibility.

Through various ways, God was trying to show me that there were plenty of opportunities for me to work for the His church. He was calling me. He was asking me what I was willing to give up to serve Him. I answered Him, but I still do not have a handle on the big picture. When there are so many things you're willing to do and want to do and perhaps need to do. I just have to find the place where I can do them …

What finally got your attention and helped you recognize that God was speaking to you?

The baseball bat. He had been putting things in front of me all along. I was just laughing at them as ridiculous and impossible. When I finally decided it might make perfect sense … well, I think it was too late.

2.     John tells the story of how God spoke to him on a number of occasions through a dear woman named Lorraine. Tell about a time you heard God speak to you through the words of another person.

I wish people wouldn't say things unless they meant it. That's not fair. People say a lot of things, but since they aren't things you can actually act on, they're better off left unsaid?

For instance, somebody told me, "Don't be offended, please, but I think you missed your calling. You should have been an actress." What is one supposed to do with that? I just took it as a compliment that I was doing a good job at what I had been doing when it was said. I also told myself that it was a good thing I hadn't followed a dream to Hollywood. Who knows who I would most resemble now … Lindsay Lohan? No, that was never a dream of mine. And not that there aren't a lot of opportunities for acting locally. Just not something I ever considered.

I have people telling me that I should write. As if it is that easy … And what all would I give up in order to do that. And will I be okay if nothing ever gets published? Will I not regret my time spent writing something that never gets beyond me?

Is God speaking through these people? Everyone seems to have a theory about what I should be doing. Except for me. I'm unfulfilled and lost.

How did you respond to this leading or prompting?

I don't. Or it is half-@$$ed. I don't put my whole self into it. Which must not please God very much. He doesn't care what I choose to do as long as I do it. So I choose to let other people choose for me whether it brings me joy or not.

I previously posted as my status that I do not like to be micromanaged. That must be a lie. Tell me what you think I should do and I'll try it out. I don't dare ask to do what I really want to do. You might say no and break my heart again. And there are so many things that I would like to do … I'm just too scared to admit it … 'cause you might say "no" again.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying,
“Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”
And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”
Isaiah 6:8 (NIV)

What signs to take to heart?

John 10:1-4

1.      In light of this passage, respond to one of the questions below about the Shepherd and his sheep.

a.     What does this passage teach you about God as our shepherd?

He will always approach us directly. He will never sneak around us. He will make Himself known to us. He knows each of us in every individual detail. He can satisfy our needs. He will always lead us. He would never stand back and let us wander.

b.     What does it teach about us as his sheep?

We will recognize Him. We will follow Him. We will trust Him.

c.      Tell about how you hear the Good Shepherd’s voice and how you receive his leading in your life.

I for one have only heard a voice maybe once or twice, maybe three times. And as you can see, it is rather iffy. And I would say those times were very intense and stopped me in my tracks. Twice I acted immediately. Once I played with the idea and decided against it. And that might have been the goal.

Mainly, ideas are put in my head that are too good to be my own. And they linger and resonate and whirl about. My mind keeps returning to them. And there are always the goosebumps when I finally comprehend the meaning.

Certain people keep appearing over and over. And I wonder if it’s because I’m to address them or they’re to address me … And then we neither one do anything. Until this moment I acknowledged that I was failing the leading. Now I see that I might not be the only one at fault.

2.     What are some modern day “pillars” we can set up to help remind us to be attentive to God and ready to hear his Spirit speak?

Once, I wrote the word PRAY on the palm of my hand to remind me to be in prayer more often. I laughed when I read that the author wrote the word LISTEN on his hand to remind himself to listen for the Spirit. Maybe I should try that too. There is always post it notes on your vanity or rearview mirror. Perhaps a reminder on your phone. Your screensaver. Your background.

But I prefer that deaths not be wake-up calls.

“ …and this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God’s house…”
Genesis 28:22a (NIV)

Experiencing the Mundane

I woke up this morning and decided it was time to wear the long pants running. No not the pants that were running, but run with the long pants on. Now, I knew the drawer they were in and the approximate location of where in that drawer they should be. However, in the dark, trying to be quiet as a mouse, I was relatively sure I would come up empty handed. No, indeed they seemed to reach out to me. They were in hand in under a second. That wouldn’t have happened in daylight.

We have a Cuisinart Grind and Brew. It grinds your coffee beans and then sucks them into the filter. It kind of sounds like a rocket ship taking off. It is programmed to take off at 5am. I am usually in the other room putting my shoes on when it does its thing. But, I woke up with an atrocious crick in the neck and I decided to take some pain reliever … which sits next to the coffee pot. As I approached the site, my mind not truly functioning properly yet, I thought, “I haven’t heard it go off yet. I wonder why?” And at that moment – like I mentally started it – it blasted its rockets. I was anticipating it and so I did not jump through the ceiling or have a heart attack.

The Holy Spirit practices the Discipline of the Mundane.

1.     Describe a time, even if it was only a brief moment, when you experienced the ability to live on two levels at once.

I don’t quite have the moment. We were putting up Christmas decorations in the church on Monday. As I was working with my team, putting ribbons on wreaths, hanging them on the appropriate doors, explaining what all needed to be done and what had already been taken care of, my ears were open to all of the conversations around me. We had a lot of new helpers this year. They had never done it before and didn’t know “the drill”. But they were well aware of what the end product should look like. Periodically, I would hear a few words louder than others. Although they might not have realized it, the words were meant for me because I could address them. So I would step back from my group and take care of them.

Yesterday, I was in my daughter’s kindergarten class. I hadn’t planned on staying the rest of the afternoon, but she asked me to. I hate to intrude or disrupt, so I seated myself in an unobtrusive spot. But it became relatively apparent that there were many things I could do to help. So I was helping with one thing, but aware of possibilities all over. I never would consider myself the kind of person who can recognize that something needs to be done and then just do it. I’m more of a “I could if it’s all right” kind of girl.

These things weren’t grand. They were mundane, not to belittle them. They are still important. And they are levels I tend to ignore. But I didn’t.

2.    What are some of the things that can get in the way of this kind of ongoing awareness of God’s presence and closeness?

Well, in the two instances above there were many things that could have gotten in the way, the first being my tendency to not “take charge.” God tells me to do something or suggests it or points it out and I ignore it. I decide that my current activity or task or job is more important. Or you can decide that you are not the person for the opportunity the Lord presents to you. Someone else would be better or it is someone else’s job. You can also be too single-minded in what you are doing. You have tunnel vision. You are more concerned with your own goals than God’s goals.

What have you discovered that has helped you grow in your awareness of your life in God, even in the midst of your daily responsibilities?

I am more aware of what others need or want and I try to see myself as one of God’s many hands in helping to achieve that need or want. And I’ve been shown that something I might consider to be a little thing is a very important thing to someone else. I am helped lot by keeping God in my mind more often through this book or the Word. And leading the Sunday School in song and prayer and in studying the Word has stayed with me more than perhaps anything else.

Psalm 121

3.    Take a few minutes and write down what you think God sees and thinks when he looks at you while you are sleeping.

I think He sees a restless, lost soul who is struggling to find my part and missing what is right here and now and present and surrounding me. And He’s thinking that He longs for me to just give it up and give it to Him. He wants to give me rest. He wants to show me that I am not alone if I would only just wake up.

What can you learn about your perspective on the heart of God for his children?

He only wants good for us. He wants to keep evil from us. He wants us to be present in His time. He wants us to work with Him for His Kingdom. He wants us to let go of all our hang-ups. He wants us to trust Him. He has the answers. All of them.

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?
And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.
But even the hairs of your head are all numbered.
Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.
Matthew 10:29-31 (ESV)

The Guided Life

It was sometime within the last year that I came to the realization that every good thought or deed I had was driven by God. Every bad thought or deed was driven by Satan. But I never put it into words as one coherent thought.

Some people will or can say, “God told me to tell you this.” And I am not the only one who takes this statement with more than an ounce of suspicion. I don’t know what form God tells them. A dream. A vision. It is not for me to know.

Other people can impart words of wisdom and upon hearing them, you get a sense that you have been blessed. More and more I can recognize these as God’s words to me through someone. It happened last night at work in fact.

I directed someone to the section of books where they would find their answer, but was unable to point to the book, chapter, and page that they needed. I left them to sift through the books while I returned to my computer to dig deeper.

I still had not found the answer … the patron returned with the right book in hand proclaiming that I was slow, he’d already found it! He was teasing of course, but I took it to heart – I felt that I had failed in my job. Immediately, he corrected my thinking. I had gotten them closer to their end point than they could have on their own. Sometimes you just have to put people in the proper position.

I replied that I wish he could in turn put me in the proper position. He, off the cuff, stated that sometimes it is the little things that are important. Blew my head right off I tell you. Sometimes it IS the little things. Everything cannot be grand. Jesus was found in a manger.

I do not like to be the person who says, “God told me this.” Yet sometimes I say or think things that I know are not from me. And I desire to inform the listener that it’s not me … is this to distance myself from something foreign? Is this to add weight to what I am saying because I am worried that it won’t get the attention otherwise? What are my motivations? If I cannot trust myself, how can I trust someone else who thinks they need to share a God thought?

OUCH! If it is from God and I am the one He uses to put it out there. I must trust that He will continue to move the information to the right people. IT’S NOT ABOUT ME. It’s not up to me to push it through.

I came to pondering this subject so much. I felt like I was being nudged, then pushed, then prodded, then hit with baseball bats. I would play with an idea for days, weeks, years. I would keep it close to my heart. I would not trust to share it. I would let it stagnate.

Until the idea was shoved to the forefront of my mind in uncomfortable places. I would shake, tremble, be covered with goosebumps. I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t sit still. I felt trapped until I could finally get it out. And the relief was momentous, like why didn’t I do that sooner? That’s what I mean about baseball bats. When I was finally rid of being the sole carrier of the thought, I could practically pass out from the adrenaline rush culminating in the shakes.

I would sit back later and say, “that was a God thing.”

Of course, after many instances of my ideas running into brick walls or being thrown back into my face, I would lean forward and say, “was that a God thing?” And I would go back to tearing myself up. And protecting these thoughts in my own realm of the mind.

I’ve come to the conclusion that my goals and God’s goals are not the same. Big, fat DUH! Yeah, I know.

I’ve also decided that yes, it was a God thing.

And I haven’t gotten it right yet and until I do, I can expect more of the same.

When you ask for patience, God puts you in places where you have to practice patience.

My greatest fear is rejection which equals a sense of unworthiness. And I seriously take it to the Nth level. I am worthy. God puts me in places where I can learn to deal with rejection, and react to it NOT with a sense of unworth.

That’s my story. I’m sticking to it.

I believe that Jesus Christ, true God, begotten of the Father from eternity, and also true man, born of the Virgin Mary, is my Lord,

Who has redeemed me, a lost and condemned person, purchased and won me from all sins, from death, and from the power of the devil; not with gold or silver, but with His holy, precious blood and with His innocent suffering and death,

that I may be His own and live under Him in His kingdom and serve Him in everlasting righteousness, innocence, and blessedness,

just as He is risen from the dead, lives and reigns to all eternity.

This is most certainly true.

Luther’s Small Catechism, The Creed, The Second Article – Redemption