One More Day!

Genesis 22:1-14

1.     Imagine you were Abraham and had to walk through this life experience. What are some of the feelings you would face?

I often think questions like this are quite unfair. Let’s just pretend that I’m asked to kill my first born. After that first devilish desire to agree to it, the answer is, “absolutely not! No, never, I will not. I cannot!

And this when I have two and am young and could get more.

So you say, pretend you’re Abraham and your more than 100 years old and this is your only son, the promised son to build a nation from. And there isn’t all of that lovely technology to take a chance with and have octoplets … NO!

But I’m still not quite in the role.

Remember it is GOD, the voice, talking to you. (Imagine Roy Luecke.)

I think I’d give just about anything for God to speak loud and clear in my ear and give me a direct order. How could I not?

I sit here imagining scenarios I might be given in which the answer would still be a resounding NO. Lovely.

Feelings? Anger, frustration, confusion, fear, uncertainty, panic, sorrow.

2.    Years later, as Abraham looked back on this whole experience, how might it have impacted his life and faith?

I would be very quick to answer the call of God. Send ME. Or at least quicker. I think he’d be willing to give a whole lot more of himself. And if that was the last time he heard the Voice of God, I would be quite anxious to meet up with Him again.

Yet, I have an experience I can look back on. Hindsight. And see how God had a different plan for me. It all worked out. I have it quite easy. Perhaps too easy. That experience hasn’t kept me from questioning any of His new plans.

Now think about this experience from Isaac's perspective (remember, he was the one that was placed on the altar as a young boy). How might this whole experience have impacted Isaac's life and faith?
Aside from thinking my Father was a lunatic? Although Abraham didn’t share very much of the request/scenario with his son at the time, I must imagine that it was a story they shared growing up. It might have prepared him a bit for what God had in store for him.

However, if you know of a person that God has talked to, think of how skeptical we are. Children today might pass on the wonder of the story having heard it so so so very many times. When Isaac passed on the story, there was probably the unedited version and then the version he told his friends. “Hey, Isaac! What really happened?” “Well, let me tell you …”

3.    John points out that the word "testing" (a difficult experience through which a person's true values, commitments, and beliefs are revealed) is only used in reference to the people of God. Why would God reserve testing for his children?

Number one: we are the only ones properly prepared for it. We know the greater picture and the grander purpose. We have faith to fall back upon and build upon. And we should have our eyes on the right goal.

 Number two: God does not want us to remain childlike and immature. He wants us to advance in our faith, love, gifts, abilities and habits. How do we advance children grade to grade? We test them to determine if they are ready. We look for areas that need work and train them appropriately.

Number three: We are God’s clay. We are God’s silver. He molds us and fires us to make us pure and beautiful

How can testing be a form of true love?

He wants us so desperately. He yearns for us. He calls to us. He makes Himself open and available. He will not deny us that which we need most. In return He wants us to trust Him implicitly. He wants our dependence upon Him. He wants us willing. He prepares us for Himself.

I don’t know about testing being a form of true love. But anyone willing to go to so much trouble for us in order to bring us home. That’s true love.

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith –
more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire –
may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
1 Peter 1:6-7 (ESV)

It's the Final Countdown!

1.     John writes about the stages a person faces when running a marathon:

a.     Pleasure

b.    Drudgery

c.     Effortful labor

d.    Temptation to quit – "hitting the wall"

e.     Either endurance or quitting

If you look at your spiritual life as a race, describe what phase you are in and how it feels right now.

Temptation to quit – “hitting the wall”. There are moments of pleasure, but they are few and far in between. Mostly it is drudgery. On occasion I experience effortful labor. But before the words were put into my mouth by a book, I considered that I had hit a wall. Hit it hard. Knocked me to my knees in sobbing pain.

It always amazes me in Bible Studies -there are much older people who talk about having doubts in their faith. Not that they aren’t allowed. But it is the terminology that throws me. My faith is in Jesus. That does not change. He is the One and Only. It is through Him that I am saved. There is nothing that I can do to win Salvation for myself.

It is my spiritual life that falters. Not my faith. Faith is all I have. The wall that I have hit in my spiritual life is not about quitting Jesus or my faith in Him. I still have it. But it is the way that it moves me and works through me that is struggling – that has hit the wall. I don’t like it. 

I cannot possibly keep up this pace. I want to quit. There are things I want to quit. I suppose I have already quit two things, but hadn’t considered it as such. I need to quit more. But I’m not really a quitter. I’d rather work myself to death.

2.    Tell about a time when you "hit the wall" in some area of your life and kept pressing on.

I think I have hit a wall in my career. Okay, I don’t want a career. Society wants me to have a career. I really don’t care about a job that much. Especially a job that is dysfunctional. I don’t wake up every morning thinking that I am going to bring literacy to the world. UGH! Who wants that? I like to play Devil’s Advocate and say that books are no better than television. Empty diversions preventing you from doing real work.

When I say I’ve hit a wall in my career, I mean that I started off as a successful Library Director for a small Academic Library. My track record was excellent. I had to do it all and I did it well and more. But it was a sinking ship and I bailed before I had to do the same job and more in half the time.

My next job was as an Assistant Librarian for a large corporation. I just assumed that the Head would retire eventually and then it would be mine. Not that I wanted it. Who knew that they would decide they didn’t really need a library. They tried to make me into something I wasn’t and it for whatever reason, it didn’t work out.

And the only other job I could find was the one I currently have and it took me two years to get. Part-time, paraprofessional. But it was the best job I had ever had. All the fun and less of the stress. I considered myself retired because I had the cherry job for people who weren’t ready to stay at home all day.
 
And now I’ve it the wall. I’m way too young to retire. I have no control. I do what I’m told before I am told and I do it well. I’m not functioning as a professional. Oh, I use my skills earned with my Masters, but not for anything grand. Why bother? I can do it all and still be a part-time paraprofessional. Again, why bother?

What did you learn from this experience?

Sometimes you hunker down and protect your sensitive areas and wait for an opportunity to rise again. I just didn’t realize that that was what I was doing. I’ve been hunkered for so long, I’ve forgotten how to run with the flag. Or take the flag. Perhaps the battlefield is empty – long-abandoned and I’m still in the trench waiting for more … And my supplies are greatly diminished!

James 1:2-4

3.    We face times of struggle and pain. What counsel does James give us that will help us make it through these times?

He assures us that God only tests His own and we should face the struggles with joy, knowing that we are growing in our faith and will receive its goal – eternity.

Tell about a time when you were able to experience joy even though you were going through a time of trial.

I don’t know if this is considered a trial of God … it was a trial nonetheless. My family was on the verge of losing everything and much was lost, but it pulled us together.

Not long before, I had been living self-sufficiently, not asking or taking help from anyone. It did not bother me. I was proud that I could survive on my own. I had control.

Then I could no longer live self-sufficiently. I required help and support. I was no longer in control. We couldn’t have survived without our family, friends and church family.

I have often said that 2007 should have been the worst year in my life, but it was more like the best. I was no longer alone. And I got back some of what I thought I had lost. It was joyful. And I miss those times. I felt like a part of something even when exclusion could or should have been the norm.

Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints,
and give thanks to his holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
Psalm 30:4-5 (ESV)

A Life of Endurance

I am beyond excited to announce that yesterday I read the last chapter of this book. It will thrill me to no end to return it to the mailbox of its owner. I quite possibly almost jumped the gun by thinking to attempt to return it today. I’ve still got the questions to copy and answer and I might need the book to refer to … But it is too tempting to have it out of my possession.

I’m giddy with the notion that I have a library book waiting on my dresser. A friend suggested I read chapter twelve. The book is about the Battlefield of the Mind and it is by Joyce Meyers. Of course I will read the whole thing and will probably AMEN every word.

I purchased 4 books a few months ago. One is Crazy Love, one is about Discipleship suggested by another friend, and one is Radical something or other taking back… American Dream… that several of my friends have been reading. And there’s another Francis Chan one in there. I have NO idea which one to begin with. Maybe I’ll read all four simultaneously.

Then there is the other borrowed book, from the same person that I got this one. I should probably tackle it first so it can go back.

And there are 32 books laying beside my bed that I came into possession of and thought I was going to get the opportunity to put into practice, but now I’m thinking I should just donate them back to the library and get on with my life. Of course, one of them happened to be another book another friend had suggested … Maybe I’ll keep that one … or a few.

This for me is suffering. Too many books; not enough time. And that’s just my Christian non-fiction. I’m sorely behind in my juvenile list and the Newbery announcement is just around the corner AND the Coretta Scott King AND the Caldecott. I’ll barely have finished those and their honor cohorts when the 2012 Caudill list will be announced. That’s 20 books! Kill me now. Why do I do this to myself?

I’m being silly. It’s all true. But it’s silly. I don’t have to do any of this. Maybe I want to, but I certainly don’t have to. The world will not end if I haven’t read all of the Caudills before anyone else in the tri-state area. And my time could be put to better use elsewhere. But it won’t.

Suffering. I KNOW how glorious and alive one can feel in the midst of true suffering. When you’re scrambling to make sense of your world and you’re stuck in the present. You desperately want to go back to the way things were. But you cannot. You long to be in the future – immediately – and through with the ordeal. But you cannot. You’re stuck.

And I’m hopelessly stuck now. Not in any physical suffering. Simply mental. No one can see it on the outside unless they know what they’re looking for. And I’ve been here, whether I knew it or not, for 3 to 4 years.

In the book, there is a tiny section called Enduring Confusion followed by Enduring Doubt. It talks about when you get the Call and it is so clear and you cannot help but answer and you do what you thought you were so clearly called to do. And then you don’t hear anything else. And you start questioning the Call. And you start wondering if you really heard it or not. Or did you misinterpret it. 

And I need help. I need guidance. I’m stuck. And I’m failing. And I’m starting to slide backward. And there seems to be no relief. And what if I missed it or got it all wrong? How do I bail myself out? And I’m so very very very miserable.

And I knew it was insane at the time.

And I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I want it to go away.

I need a clear answer.

And I’m certain there won’t be one to be had.

God tests the godly. I’m not godly. I don’t have a godly bone in my body.

God SAVE ME!

You whom I took from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, “You are my servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off”
Isaiah 41:9 (ESV)

Proverbs for Daily Life

1.     What will you do in the coming week to be more like Jesus in one of these areas?

I am playing with the idea of attempting to greet everyone the way Jesus would. I want to shift my thinking from “nobody bothers to greet me” to “then I’ll be the first one to greet you.” Perhaps I can be a bright point in their day and if I am not, maybe I can inquire after their grumpitudenosity and then send up a prayer on their behalf.

Not to get too far ahead of myself, I’ll just start with the casual greeting. That is enough of a project for me to begin with. And ultimately, it really is to make the greeting about the other person. Turn it all away from me.

2.    Use the simple process on page 206 as a guideline to begin establishing a rule of life.

Here is an example where I should really print the list out and stick it on my arm. HEY! My first tattoo. It’s pretty much the list that I tackled yesterday. How would Jesus wake up? How would Jesus eat? How would Jesus watch TV? 

I woke up with Jesus today. Rather, I immediately began talking to God and asking Him for surprises today. Something beautiful. And asking Him for forgiveness for my less than stellar behavior. And then I ran with Him. I tried to make it a prayer. I was upset because the last song I ran too was a slow song. I begged Him to change it, but then the words began and it was about forgiveness. So I received His forgiveness.

And now I’m writing with Him in mind … how long can I go before I get sidetracked?

3.    Of all the activities listed on page 206, which one do you find the most difficult to do in Jesus’ name?

I could be wrong. I could be naïve. But I really think that it is doing household tasks where I fail. I don’t like to do them. They put me in a foul mood. They take time away from what I really want to be doing. The reward for completing them … well there really isn’t one. The sense of accomplishment is fleeting and the tasks begin again tomorrow. Rush, rush, rush. I guess Jesus’ name just flies right out of my head.

4.    What practical steps can you take (even if you don’t feel like it) to more reflect the heart of Christ in this activity?

I can at least appreciate the fact that the person who came up with these questions acknowledges that I might not feel like it. I don’t feel like it. Maybe that’s why I’m stuck here with nothing better to do that address the issue. Part time work to make me available to do the tasks that will keep me in my place.

I am now thinking that the best start would be to take it one little step at a time. One room at a time. One task at a time. One meal at a time. One errand at a time. I cannot become overwhelmed. I know the outcome of when I am overwhelmed. I shut down. I am paralyzed and then I do nothing. 

And maybe I can make a list of those tasks that need to be done. Write them on the dry erase board daily. And not be required to complete them all, but if I could just erase a few, I would have mini senses of accomplishment. The ones that don’t get erased can stay for tomorrow.

I might notice a trend of what I always fail to complete. Then I could tackle it in a new or different way. Or place it at the top of the list. Or make it mandatory. Or offer a reward upon completion ...

Ask God to help me with that list. Ask Him to be with me when I create it. Have Him join me in my work. Turn on my lovely stereo and rock OUT!

She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
Proverbs 31:13,15,19 (ESV)

Jesus as a Janitor

1.     John gives examples of five questions we can ask ourselves as we begin to establish a “rule of life” (201). Choose one of these questions and tell how you are presently developing in this area of your spiritual growth.

How will I handle money in a way that draws me closer to God? For several years I have been comfortable in my giving. When I say this I mean that when the annual Stewardship Sunday arrives, I don’t cringe or try to hide. In that area, I think I “get it”.

Presently … When something on top of my tithing in placed on my plate or in my heart, I am working on approaching giving without anxiety. I try not to “fit” into a budget that is planned out a year in advance. I try to give “in the moment” and consider only today and not what I will need tomorrow or next month.

I’ve never tried to put that into words … As a “development” plan. But that is certainly what I’ve been aiming at recently.

2.    Choose another question from p. 201 and explain how you hope to grow in this area of your spiritual life.

How can I fill my daily tasks with a sense of the presence of God? I have noticed that God is on my mind A LOT. He’s not a Sunday fella nor is He my go to God in a crisis. He is on my mind in some way, not always, but in a WOW kind of way.

This does NOT mean that it is in the right way. I’m not praising Him or worshipping Him in my thoughts or actions. He is more of a complex thought or conundrum that floats up there. More than a puzzle, but that’s the idea. I definitely don’t have the praying thing down.

I would like to experience growth in the way that I invite God into my life. The way that I ask Him to participate in it with me. Or rather, to allow me to participate in His Grand Design through my small part.

Unfortunately, I think I am always looking for the BIG purpose that I have been CALLED to do. Delusions of Grandeur like the chocolate chunks in a delectable cookie of self-pity and hatred.

I need to experience God in the little things. The daily tasks that I need to perform on a daily basis in order for my family to function. The little things that I have been rushing through in order to get to the big things. I need to slow down and savor them and appreciate them and see and feel God in them.

3.    How do you think Jesus would do one of the following:

a.     Wake up in the morning – He would wake up with at least a spare 5 minutes in order to stretch His mind and pray to His Father before he sprung out of bed and stretched His body.

b.    Greet those he would first see in the morning – He would give everyone the most beautiful, welcoming smile that would reach all the way up into His eyes and you could feel the love pouring out. It would not be a question of whether or not He was happy to see you. You would get the sense that you were the best part of His day.

c.     Eat – He would eat in moderation. Everything in moderation. He would enjoy a donut occasionally. Beignets would be a favorite weekend treat. He would be just as excited with oatmeal, but he would add fresh fruit and ice cream.

d.    Drive – I just don’t think He would drive, unless He was driving a big old bus around and picking random people up to take them where they were going. I tend to think that He would walk when He could, ride His bike for longer trips and take the city bus to get across town. That’s where His people would be.

e.     Work – I had to go take a shower and come back to this one and the TV one. And it occurred to me that Jesus would be someone like a janitor. Especially at a school. It is a humble job – you clean up vomit and other lovelies. It is a necessary job that requires the person arrive first and leave last. There are a lot of problem solving skills needed. You have to be a jack of all trades. But you get to be around the people. I remember nearly all the janitors I’ve ever worked with or were at my school. They were always your best friend and an ear. I think Jesus would love that job. And it would keep Him busy. There would always be something to do, but He could leave it there at the end of the day.

f.      Shop – I think He would shop for others and not for Himself. He’d go to the mall and clothe the poor. He would never need to buy Himself a thing because of all the gifts His fans would always be giving Him.

g.     Use the Internet – He would use it as a tool and not as a toy. When He got on, He would have purpose and not get sucked into every little link. When He was finished, He would turn it off. And people would always come first. The people that were in person.

h.    Watch television – He would watch differently than we would. He would NOT watch the opening weeks of American Idol where we get to sit around and make fun of all the people that think they can sing, but are definitely delusional. Jesus would watch the end. And He would vote. Maybe for everyone. Jesus would watch shows with other people. He wouldn’t watch alone. I think He would certainly watch sports. He might watch game shows and help the ones who really need the washer/dryer or million dollars.

i.      Go to bed at night – He would be exhausted from all of the good work He had done all day, but He would still thank His Father before falling asleep.

Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
Proverbs 31:26-27 (ESV)

Wheel of Balance?

1.     Look at the graph on page 194. When we organize our lives in this “balanced” way, what are some of the possible consequences?

When we divide our lives into seven different facets, it gives us the opportunity to excel in a couple, manage a few, and barely get by in the rest. Your spiritual life might be suffering, but financially you have it together. Maybe you don’t exercise at all, but your career is a success. You can always look to what you are good at and feel accomplished.

It also enables us to entirely neglect certain areas of our life like spirituality or health. You would be so busy concentrating on improving your intellectual that you put your relational life to the wayside. Or decide that you are not a relational person and take it off the pie chart entirely.

Forget the fact that spirituality and relations go hand in hand.

2.    Look at the graph on page 195. Describe a time when your life looked like this. What was your “Peach Cobbler” and how did this version of a “balanced life” impact your spiritual life?

I think that part of my problem is that on any given day my life looks like the “Peach Cobbler” chart, the flavor of pie just changes and it’s almost never peach. Strawberry rhubarb for sure.

It goes back to looking forward to events. My focus is entirely set on getting to that event or getting through that event. And when there is no event, where is my focus? I just spent a few months entirely focused on Christmas and not necessarily in the right way. Now that I have that holiday completed for another year, what am I reaching for?

Because Christmas and spirituality CAN go hand in hand, there is a part of my spiritual life that was thriving during the Christmas season. BUT, there were also times when the spirituality flew right out the window, because things had to get done in order to be prepared for the Christmas machine. And I found myself really hating it. When Christmas Eve was finally here, I really just wanted to sit back and enjoy the services, but I ended up running around and missing the spiritual part. And that was not entirely my fault. Well, other than the fact that I didn’t choose to state my wishes.

2 Corinthians 11:23-28

3.    How does Paul’s life serve as an example of shattering the boundaries of balance and entering a life beyond balance?

If health was on Paul’s Wheel of Balance, it was teeny tiny. And so was finance and vocation. He was a known intellectual and he put it behind him. And forget recreation! Unless you consider that he was always traveling. But Paul did focus upon was relationships with the people in order to bring them to Christ. And I wouldn’t say that spirituality was a piece of his pie either. I don’t even consider Paul to be this spiritual powerhouse. He was “One Thing” and “One Thing” alone – a Servant of Christ.

What are some healthy modern-day examples of a life beyond balance?

What? People? Is this where I am supposed to list Mother Theresa and Gandhi? People who turned down comfort and wealth and power in order to serve others? In some cases, in the name of Christ?

Or are we talking practical application … People who do so well financially that everything they touch is gold and yet they do not hoard any of it, but give generously to those in need?

Or the couple that chooses family over money. They buy a small house. They buy older vehicles. Mother stays home. Father takes vacations to spend with his family. He comes home at night and stays.

An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels…
She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
Proverbs 31:10 & 20 (ESV)

Life with a Well-Ordered Heart

Halleluia! Only ONE chapter left!

I have learned that I am DEFINITELY a devourer. I am NOT a savorer. I haven’t been excited to get up in the morning for a very long time. I didn’t even get excited when it was finally time to read this latest chapter. I just want to be done. I have all of these lovely new books to read and they are calling to me. It seems a sin to make them wait.

This is NOT the Life I Have Always Wanted. This is the life that is too overwhelming to attain. The book just shows how very far away I am and it is a burden. It tells you to concentrate on the “One Thing”, but it gives you eight to twelve different disciplines to train in. To choose two to train in seems insufficient.

About two years ago, I was given “the wheel for the well-balanced and the “spiritual” portion of the pie represented only about a seventh of a person’s life. It had felt wrong, but at the same time, it made sense. This book at least shows how it can be rearranged to give the spiritual life it due. Spirituality colors every portion of your life whether you are sleeping, eating or playing.

And still this life is a distraction. A conundrum. School and work start up again tomorrow and I want OUT. It’s deadly. My days are not joy-filled. What do I look forward to? Not the things I am supposed to. And most of the time, I am preventing myself from doing that which brings me joy.

We segment our life into hourly increments. I get to play bells for an hour this week (well, not actually this week.) That’s almost an hour of joy in a week. But guess what? I abhor going home those evenings. I’d rather not go home at all. Is this suffering? My joy for an hour at the cost of grumpy, hungry, annoyed family?

I read by my daughter’s bedside until she falls asleep. I love to read then. But I cannot read indefinitely. I have things to do.

I rush, rush, rush to do the things I HAVE to do, so that I can maybe have time to do a little of the things I LONG to do. We talk about having day planners to organize our lives, but we don’t organize what we LONG to do into our daily routine. We save it for the end of the day when we are really too exhausted to do the job right.

I jokingly told a friend that I would give her my schedule so that she could fit those things into my schedule. She agreed to do it, but I haven’t yet. I want to be a little spontaneous.

You know, I haven’t been to work for twelve days. They call it vacation, but we all know it was work. I slept in perhaps four of those days. Not that sleeping in is all that great. I am a morning person. But I live with a night owl, and I have a tendency to try to stay up with him.

I am rambling, but I am dissatisfied. This is not what life is supposed to be. I am not excited. And I want to be excited about something. I want something to look forward to. I always live for some event. And I can tell you, I wasn’t living for Christmas. At least not for the way we’ve been doing it forever.

And what do you do if you’re the only one who is dissatisfied? What if you need a change, but no one else does? What if I want to do things differently and that makes everyone else’s life inconvenient. What if the sleeper has awakened, but no one is ready for the awakened one yet …

I’ve been without my computer for a week, and other than my online banking, I didn’t really miss it. It meant I had to find other things to do. It meant I couldn’t do some things that I do out of routine.

And now, I am without my watch. I’m naked without my watch. Not that I really tell time with it all that well. It doesn’t have numbers and my simple math skills are pathetic … It’s really just a pretty piece of jewelry that tells me when I should start and when I should stop. How quickly will I replace that battery.

Oh, and I didn’t do Christmas cards this year. I haven’t been called out on it yet. I didn’t even put all of the Christmas ornaments up. I even threw some away. I think I’m spring cleaning early … I wonder if it will help re-order my heart.

“If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.”
Matthew 19:21 (ESV)