The Jesus I Never Knew by Philip Yancey

Fully detoxed from the Life You Always Wanted never-ending study guide. Ready to rid myself of the Battlefield of My Mind. Moving on.

I read the first chapter of this book yesterday and I have one word – scholarly. It has been a while since I read a book that wasn’t angled toward the masses. Even the plethora of Christian Non-Fiction that I’ve been reading for the past 2 years hasn’t challenged me so quickly. This book demanded my mind – my thinking mind.

Part 1 – Who He Was

Chapter 1 – The Jesus I Thought I Knew

I grew up on the Jesus who “loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so.”

There were three pictures that confronted me on a daily and weekly basis. At home, there was Jesus knocking on the closed door waiting for someone to open it. At school, there was the mosaic of Jesus walking towards me – life-sized in bright colors. At church, there was the close-up of Jesus face where you could see the bread and the cup on His forehead if you knew to look for it.

And of course, Jesus always had long brown hair with full mustache and beard. Brown eyes. A somber almost sad face, but mostly those were feelings I attributed to Him. He never smiled. And of course He was very white. He looked like my hippy father ... only unanimated.

There was a Christmas song – “some children see Him lily white” – that I never loved, but there was a phrase – almond-eyed – that meant a great deal to me. My mom always said I was almond-eyed, whether that’s true or not, and so I always imagined Jesus had my eyes.

Growing up, THE bookmark had the short story called Footprints on it. Where I learned that Jesus carried me through the hardest times leaving only one set of footprints in the sand.

But looking back, the Jesus I knew was strangely unemotional and boring and inhuman. He was always set apart and distant by at least a few feet. Hanging up on a column/cross for all of us to look at, but not get to know. Someone always had to tell us about Him. We could not meet Him for ourselves. It’s kind of like a story told not third person, but billionth person. A game of Operator gone horribly awry over the centuries.

Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.

Revelation 19:11-16 (ESV)

Chapter 25 – "I'm going to do it my way, or not at all."

Wilderness Mentality #10

Yesterday, I wanted to stop writing. I just wanted to ignore #9 and #10. And truthfully, that would have been okay. The world would not have been lost in chaos. Other people have quit. Other people can read 157 pages of a book and decide that they won't miss the other 235.

Today is different. Part of it is the fact that I am done with that book. Another part is that I have another book waiting. But most importantly, I was finally convicted this morning and I recognized it.

Yes, I like things my way. You do steps A, B, C, D1, D2 and D3 and you are rewarded with x^3. And you're done in exactly 6 weeks and you get a grade or a certificate or a paycheck or a pat on the back. But God doesn't work like that. And today, I am sincerely grateful.

God surprised me. And so, to commemorate the moment, here's the story of Alissa's first recognizable conviction:

Sunday 6th, 6:20 a.m., walking the dog on the West End in snow and ice. Reaching the corner of Linden and Forest.

I'm thinking about Sunday School opening. 5 weeks ago, I used the wrong unit. I did week 1 from Best Friends instead of week 1 from Construction Zone. And now it is time to do the same Bible Lesson and story again. The Bible Lesson: Jesus is your best friend.

The Bible story: Jesus visits Mary and Martha. Martha is busy working and Mary is sitting and listening to Jesus. Martha wants Jesus to tell Mary to help her. But Jesus tells Martha that Mary is doing the right thing and He will not take it away from her.

The last time I did the lesson, it was great. I was in the zone. Then I found out I did the wrong one and it defeated me, unfortunately. And I've been dreading having to do it again …

So I was asking God for the opportunity to do the story again, but in a new way, with new insight. And He talked to me!! And I knew it. It wasn't my idea.

God said, you read a lot of books for your job and you do a wonderful job of it. You not only read them, but you remember them and can easily access them to tell others about them. I created you with a mind to do this and it is lovely. You should continue to do this for your job, but I have something more important for you to use that mind for.

There is only ONE book you need to know and I want you to know it well. My Word. So you can share it with others.

And I want you to know my Son as well and better than you know all of those books. So you can share Him with others.

And I want you to know my people as well and better than you know your books. So you can share them with others.

Your books cannot love you. Your books cannot help you. Your books cannot be there for you. But I AM. I am your best friend. People are friends in a way that books cannot be.

The lovely part about what He told me … there is no goal to be reached. There is no endpoint to work towards. And He showed me a glimpse of how I am a part of His Purpose. And that I was uniquely created to be a part of it from the beginning. And I have been giddy every since.

Yeah, in the grand scheme of things, it might have been a no brainer. But I had missed it entirely. I KNOW I am a librarian. I had forgotten that I am God's tool and that I can play a part. I've been looking too hard. I wanted God to tell me what to do. And He did. Now I have no excuse.

For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

Romans 5:19 (NIV)

Chapter 24 – "Why shouldn't I be jealous and envious when everybody else is better off than I am?"

Wilderness Mentality #9

Lifeboat mentality 101. We are all competing to prove we deserve to stay in the boat and someone else … everybody else?… needs to be tossed to the sharks.

Boy do I vacillate. One day I am definitely the jealous, envious type … though I certainly wouldn't call it that. Either I don't want what they have OR what they have is not good enough. But deep down it's envy. Admitted.

The next day, I am all team work!  Surround yourself with the best people and you all look good. Very … We are all members of one body. Someone is the brains. Someone is the vision. Someone executes. Someone builds. Someone invests.

I guess I am satisfied as long as I am a member of the team. That is about it. Yep, that is right. I want control. And I don't trust you to do what is good or right. I can do it better than you.

Ugly stuff, huh?

I guess the hardest part for me is admitting that I'm jealous of someone. That shows my insecurities. And I definitely don't want to expose that I am insecure. I'd rather you see me as confident.

I just want more.  I can do more. I am not doing enough. I am not challenged. That's not a good thing. I am bored!

And I'm tired of people telling me that I do too much. If I was doing too much, I would be busy. I am not busy. I have too much time on my hands!

Perhaps I am just not doing the right things …? So I drop some stuff. But what happens if I don't get to do new stuff and I just end up doing less?

I am jealous because I see others doing what I want to do and I want a chance!!!

OK, I'm done. What happened to that Mind of Christ chapter? The itty bitty one in the middle of all the negative? Really spending too much time concentrating on what is negative and not enough time on how to train for the positive.

One more chapter to go! One more chapter to go! Yippee! I must be losing it. Admittedly.

A dispute also arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest. Jesus said to them, “The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves.

Luke 22:24-26 (NIV)

Chapter 23 – “I don’t deserve God’s blessings because I am not worthy.”

Wilderness Mentality #8

Number 7 and number 8 are so close. One is very worldly – my life is miserable therefore I am miserable. Today’s mentality is in opposition to the Heavenly – I am not good enough for God.

Nope, I am not. There is nothing at all I could possibly do to earn favor with He who made me. I was born into Original Sin and took off sinning my own sins from the moment I was able.

But that’s not the point. God has already taken care of it. His Son has already accomplished the task of redeeming me. It is because of Jesus’ great sacrifice, and only because of His death on the cross that I am without reproach in God’s eyes.

The point is that I have to embrace God’s great love for me and stop trying so hard to earn it on my own. Instead of trying to earn his favor, I need to love Him with all of my heart and with all of my soul and with all of my mind and with all of my strength. And then go out and do good works because of my love for the Almighty.

Funny thing is … I never think I’m not worthy of God. I’m more concerned with the people around me and whether or not I’m worthy of them. Either that or I’m better than them. Pretty messed up, huh?

I’m not trying to earn God’s favor. I’m trying to earn the favor of sinners. And not out of love for them. Or out of love for God. But out of love for myself. Or lack of love for myself.

The nice thing is this … The more I am made aware of what I have been doing and what I am currently doing; the more I am able to pause and hear my Spirit tell me what I ought to do; the more I am actually making better choices.

And God has placed some amazing people in my life right now that at least get me enough to use the right words to give me time to catch up. People that I feel pretty comfortable exposing my vulnerability to.

I so want to get this right! Before I’m officially 40. Hahahaha. That’s a prayer.

So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.

Galatians 4:7 (ESV)

Chapter 22 – "My life is so miserable; I feel sorry for myself because my life is so wretched!"

Wilderness Mentality #7

Here we go. Self-pity, self-worship, self-pity, self-worship, self-pity, self-worship.

One day, I am the best person ever, and the next day, I am the worst person ever. No, I take that back. One moment, no one could possibly touch my brilliance, and the next moment, I am not worthy to be the mud on the bottom of your boot.

I was in a Bible Study group at church and we talked about the "I am the worst possible sinner" mentality versus the "here, let me remove the plank from your eye" mentality. And you know what? Here is what I decided. Everything in moderation. It is a spectrum and we each fall someone along the line. Or maybe we're all like me and we jump all over the place, but we need to strive for a balance somewhere in the middle.

I need to recognize my sin, acknowledge it, repent of it, strive to do better, but not live in condemnation – ever. Live in the grace and mercy of forgiveness. But I need to do the exact same thing for others. I cannot condemn or judge, but treat them as forgiven creatures as well.

I found this chapter to be quite funny because it nailed me on the head. When I am in self-pity mode, I want everyone to know about it. I want your pity too. I want you to throw me the rope and try to pull me out of my well of pity. And boy will I resist.

I realize that it cannot possibly be the best way to attract friends. No one wants to hang out with Miss Miserable.

I know they prefer me as Miss Cheerful. But nobody tries to uplift a happy person. How selfish of me.

We're not supposed to focus inwardly. We're supposed to focus outwardly. When we all focus outwardly, everyone is taken care of.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)

Chapter 21 – “My behavior may be wrong, but it’s not my fault.”

Wilderness Mentality #6

How quickly we make excuses. I don’t want to go somewhere. I don’t want to do something. I cannot just say no. No, I have to provide my list of reasons for why I cannot. I have too much to do. I already have plans. The kids have activities.

How hard is it for us to just apologize without adding a “but”? I am sorry I acted that way, but I was in a horrible mood. I am sorry I forgot to get you, but I was so busy. I am sorry that I hurt you, but … well, I won’t come out and say it, but it’s all about me.

And don’t forget the “ifs”! If I had more money… If I had more time… If I didn’t have children… If I drove the right car… If I knew the right people… If I had the right friends… If I had grown up on the right side of the tracks…

I am so flawed and sinful that I am no longer able to take responsibility for my actions. Not even the good ones. I cannot take a compliment. But certainly don’t be critical of me. I can start laying blame every which way.

I am the way I am because of my past. How can you possibly expect me to do or be any better? This is all I have to work with.

The author comes right back with “I hate this thing, but this is why I keep it.”

Blame, Ifs and Buts are all the Devils words. If you find them in your head, tell the Devil to get right on out!

But Jesus is the LIGHT of the world. He won’t accept blame, ifs and buts. They belong to the darkness.

I received the perfect email this morning to go along with this … let me quote a bit:

“PAUSE before responding to people or situations, giving My Spirit space to act through you. Hasty words and actions leave no room for Me; this is atheistic living. I want to inhabit all your moments – gracing your thoughts, words and behavior.”

Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence”

Emphasis mine.

The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
Genesis 3:12-13 (ESV)

Chapter 20 – “Don’t make me wait for anything; I deserve everything immediately.”

Wilderness Mentality #5

I don’t think I realized that I felt this way. Perhaps because I CAN wait when I know the outcome or have a general knowledge of an expected timeline. And certainly, if someone leads me to believe in an outcome, I have something to look forward to. Even our Heavenly Father has promised Heaven to us if we look to His Son, Jesus, for our Salvation.

But apparently I become a blithering idiot when I’m led to believe in a certain outcome and then … nothing … happens … ever … within my anticipated timeline. I’m goal-oriented. If I do this, then I achieve that.

Perhaps I could identify better with this mentality if it went something like, “Don’t withhold from me that which I have worked towards; I deserve it.” And lest I get called on it, Wilderness Mentality #5b, “Don’t make me wait.”

It all boils down to Pride and Patience. Patience will go first. It is not that you wait. It is how you wait that matters. Your attitude is what will please God. If you wait in the checkout line for eons, but grumble in your head the entire time, you are not pleasing the Father. God wants you to let someone else go before you and be happy about it. Praise the Father that you have the time to generously give to someone else.

Here’s my sin … control … if I willingly give up my time, I can patiently and happily endure it. When someone else wastes my time, I’m a raging lunatic. Notice the semantics: give versus waste. In the last couple of weeks God has been telling me that one of my gifts is time … that’s not true, I’ve known that time was a gift … but God has been telling me that I need to give thanks for the fact that I can be so flexible with it. Others are not so blessed. If I couldn’t be so flexible, a lot of things would never be able to happen. God is working on my attitude. He wants me to think, “no matter how my time is used, I will praise Him cheerfully for it.”

Pride. That’s the “I deserve” part, or the “I don’t deserve to be treated that way” part. Each of us has very limited ability to see beyond ourselves. We are intimate with our own minds, thoughts. If we are so buried, drowned, in ourselves, we cannot possibly see others. It’s very hard to put ourselves in others’ shoes.

Once upon a time, in my first job, I supervised the library I was at and its employees. I had a quarter-time, retired, elderly nurse that worked nights. She was a Pollack too and proud of it. I saw her perhaps 30 minutes a week. That’s 15 minutes in two days. One day she came in, and I was obviously in a distressed or foul mood. She asked me what she had done to put me in such a mood! She was sincerely concerned. I was astounded. I looked at her and said something along the lines of, how can you possibly think that you can affect my moods? I see you such an infinitesimally small amount of time. And you think that you occupy a space in my thoughts?

I need to switch that around in my head. When I feel like somebody has ignored me or denied me, I need to put myself in that same frame of mind. I probably don’t even enter that person’s thoughts beyond they saw my face. They have enough on their table without me to deal with.

They only one that thinks about me is me. That’s pride. I need to think less about me and more about the Father. And what’s on the Father’s mind? Love. Always love. For this world at its people. Christ’s mind was always on the Father and therefore always on others.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
James 1:2-4 (ESV)