So very, very tired

Psalm 127:1-2

1.      What are some of the unique spiritual lessons that can be learned in being a parent?

Patience, obviously.

In my own experience, the number one lesson that I have learned is the uniqueness of the individual. And the things that I might have considered to be vitally important are of no consequence in God’s plans.

That is why it is so important to teach them the things that are unchangeable. God’s Word – both Gospel and Law. Make known to them the TRUTH. When God’s TRUTH is written on their hearts, minds, souls, bodies, whatever else they might do and how they do it will be in line with God’s plans.

Another spiritual lesson is that our children are given to us to teach us as well. To remind us who we are and where we came from – for we are to be like children.

AND our children are not just our own biological offspring, but any child we have the benefit of coming into contact with. A former teacher of mine often shares her favorite quote, “You may be the only Bible a person will ever read.” Wow, when considering how many children I come into contact with. And considering that up to a certain age, they cannot read anyway. They take their cues from people.

What title would you give for the unique season of life you are in now and how can this season become a time of growth and formation in becoming all God wants you to be?

I've called this season "transformation." I find it very inconvenient that I feel the need to do it now, but I don't get those kind of choices. I find I've always been a caterpillar just devouring a way at the info that's been given me.  I never became a butterfly. I'd take a moth. I'd take a moth that doesn't even have a mouth with very short lifespan to go with it. They still have a purpose.

My intent is to make this season my time of significant growth and formation. Like I have the choice to do that … I'm not in control. But I want this to be the BIG one. I want to be finished. I know. It doesn't work that way. Not at all. I'm really wishing I had already been there done that. My guess is that I have, and I will have to do it again, and again, and again.

2.     How do you change for the worse when you are tired and how do you change for the better when you are rested?

Without sleep, I may not necessarily be cranky, but I'm too tired to do ANYTHING or anything well. When I'm rested, I'm my perky self. When I'm tired, I cannot even do anything productive. I collapse on a sofa and watch mindless TV. OR I try to read my book and fall asleep in the process. And falling asleep only to get up and move to bed is almost certainly never good. When I'm rested, I can interact with my family after the chores are done. Have some actual fun.

How might adjusting your present sleep patterns help you grow in your ability to love God and others?

I need to sleep. I know it. I need to determine what I'm willing to change to make that happen. I need to determine what's best for my family. I'd like nothing better than to go to bed early, but that is not necessarily what is in my spouse's best interest.

I think the most important outcome of getting more sleep will be an improvement in my mental health. I will be able to focus more clearly, speak more effectively, and process information more efficiently. Right now I'm practically manic-depressive and it might just be better to take myself out of the equation. Too many people depend upon me to just ignore my own health.

I cannot love others through action when I cannot even take care of myself.

What is a specific step you need to take to begin your training toward developing a new area of spiritual discipline? Who will you invite to encourage you, challenge you, and keep you accountable in this area of commitment?

Spiritual Discipline: Prayer

Specific Step: Set aside quiet time

Time: For now, while I run. That's about 25 minutes of quiet time. I'll turn the iPhone down to hear myself better. Certainly cannot fall asleep while running. Certainly not taking time away from family.

Problem: Still opportunities for distraction.

Who will challenge me?: Don't know. Maybe I can have my phone notify me … Maybe I can leave post-its on the door where I exit. Ideas? anyone? Someone text me at 5am to remind me? Anyone else awake?

Are there disciplines you need to stop because they are driving love out of your life?

I'm absolutely, positively certain that there are. I'm doing too much that is not necessarily in line with my nature and spiritual gifts. On the flip side, my primary spiritual gift isn't really being utilized and that is also driving the love out of me. I've already quit a few of the things that were bothering me … I didn't feel good about it though. My fear is that by stopping somethings, I might not get the opportunity to replace them with better things. What scares me most is that regular weekly worship is driving the love right out of me. More specifically, the very people I worship with … OUCH! Not a good fit. Change required, but am I willing.

It is in vain that you rise up early
and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.
Psalm 127:2 (ESV)

Frog and Toad Together - COOKIES

1.     Describe a time you have felt like Frog and Toad, two discipline-challenged friends.

If you don’t know this story, then you are fired! Fine, you’re not fired, but you’re required to come to the library and check it out. Classic. How could you not know it? It’s a beginning reader by Arnold Lobel titled Frog and Toad Together and it won a Newbery Honor. The specific story is about cookies…

Frog has made some cookies and he and Toad sample them. They are so good that they cannot stop. If they do not stop, there will not be any left for after dinner. Frog decides that they must have “willpower.” “Willpower is trying very hard not to do something you want to do very much.”

They put the cookies in a box, but that won’t stop them because they can open it. They tie it shut with string, to no avail. They put them high in a tree, but the temptation still exists. Finally, Frog tosses them out the door for the birds to eat. Disgusted, Toad leaves to go bake a cake.

I’m feeling like them right now. There is something that my sinful self really wants to do, but that my “trying” to be Godly self abhors. I’ve made it more difficult for me to do, but I haven’t done the things that would make it impossible for me to do … Let’s pretend that my cookies are shopping. Not too far off really, but what I’m willing to put to paper.

I’ve put the store credit cards away so they’re not with me. I keep myself busy so I don’t have free time to “window shop”. I don’t look at catalogs and circulars. I don’t visit store websites or subscribe to their email offers. I don’t sign up for new cards.

But, you know, Von Maur can look up your card number for you and they don’t charge interest. I still receive Kohl’s 30% off flyers and even if you don’t need anything, it is really a shame to waste 30% off especially off of already marked down prices.

And sometimes, you really need a pick me up when you’re feeling down. And sometimes, you really need some instant gratification when all of your other goals seem way too far off and out of reach. And obstacles seem impassable.

And sometimes those stores still manage to contact you, come right to your doorstep. Tell you all the things you need to hear. You cannot live without the latest fad.

I try cold turkey. And I do really well, and then one moment of weakness and I make up for months of “being good”. Or I go bake a cake. I go for a big ticket item.

2.    One definition of spiritual discipline is “any activity that can help you gain power to live life as Jesus taught and modeled it.”

a.     Form a list of at least 20 examples of things you can do that will help you gain power to live the life Jesus intended.

                                         i.     Hang out with the outcasts

                                       ii.     Talk to God all the time

                                     iii.     Don’t be afraid to cry out to God

                                      iv.     Learn God’s Word intimately

                                        v.     Use God’s Word for answers

                                      vi.     Us God’s Word to combat temptation

                                    vii.     Be innocent as a child

                                  viii.     Be mature in your knowledge

                                      ix.     Be mature in using your knowledge

                                        x.     Have at least one ministry

                                      xi.     Be still

                                    xii.     Seek God in all things

                                  xiii.     Respect those in authority

                                  xiv.     Practice rest

                                    xv.     Practice fasting

                                  xvi.     Practice repentance

                                xvii.     Practice meditation

                              xviii.     Read the Bible

                                  xix.     Study the Bible

                                    xx.     Practice forgiveness

b.    Once you are out of ideas, try to come up with 3 more, thinking creatively and deeply.

                                         i.     Let go of anger

                                       ii.     Let go of anxiety

                                     iii.     Be joyful

c.     Identify one new spiritual discipline you want to develop in your life.

I want to learn to talk to God more, better. My prayer life is lacking. I’m getting better at praying out loud at least with little children – leading in prayer. But I need to learn to go to God when I’m alone. And when I attempt it, I’m very often distracted and easily. I never set aside time just to talk to Him and seek Him. I need to train in this discipline.

Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything by prayer and supplication
with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:6 (ESV)

The difference of 16 years

1.     Describe a time when you failed to train and discovered that no matter how hard you tried, you could not accomplish your goal.

This will sound strange. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t train. Please, don’t think I’m copping out by placing the blame elsewhere, but I was trained to do some things very well through education and experience. And I simply wasn’t trained in areas outside of my degree – by choice. When I was put into a position that required different training, I didn’t have the option to go acquire it. So I tried, really hard, to do what was expected of me. Some parts of the job I could do well. Other parts, I was just thrown to the wolves. When I sought training and support, it just wasn’t something to be provided. Ultimately, I lost the job, for multiple reasons, but interestingly not for lack of training.

What did you learn from this experience?

Do what I know. Speak from my own experience. Draw from my skills, education and talents. Don’t offer to do something that you’re not ready to do right now unless you have the time to prepare.

2.    What might happen if a person takes training seriously in a specific area like language or business?

They might excel and go on to do great things in that area. They could become the manager, director, leader or instructor of that very area. OR they can become the very best at what they do and be quite happy just doing it. Having the ability doesn’t necessarily mean that one must go beyond to the next step. Certainly, the expert might go on to train someone else who is able to go to the next level. The student outperforms the teacher which is a success in and of itself.

Tell about a time you trained and prepared and how you felt when you were able to accomplish your goal.

I was working as the director of a nursing college library. It was my first real job and I was young and fresh out of college. Within the year, the college was going to go through the accreditation process. They had failed the time before and were on probation. They were a young school and were still learning the requirements and getting the appropriate people into place. They had been burned by the older, more experienced librarian before me and were very hesitant to let me go and do my job. I didn’t have much time and I had a lot of work to do just to run the library and provide the students and faculty with the materials they needed, however, there would be no future without the accreditation. It was vital to attain.

I settled in and used all of my free time at home and at work to study the accreditation handbook. I checked off what we had already and set to work on getting what we didn’t. Our book collection was severely lacking. My budget would not get me the materials we needed. So I studied up on grants and grant writing and got the money needed to establish a core collection and in the process set my first long range plan to build up the collection appropriately.

We had very little space for what we needed and no space on the shelves for more books. A Secretary had thrown out our periodicals in an attempt to make room! So I set to work proposing a way to double the library space and fill it with suitable shelving as well as pay for it through a grant. I also looked into getting our periodicals back for simply the cost of postage. I was shot down. The board was envisioning “paperless” library. How about “librarianless”?

I was overworked, underpaid, and not trusted. I was called their “model” librarian. Ouch! I looked good at the desk, but my knowledge from years of education and training were ignored.

Despite the fact that being grilled by the accreditation committee was one of the most stressful events in my life, they ended up being my supporters in the end. When they made the announcement that even though we still had a long way to go, we had achieved accreditation! we were over the top jubilant, but the best was yet to come. One of the few strengths they listed was the library and the librarian. Blush. And they made recommendations that supported all of the hard work I tried to accomplish. For instance, they suggested we double the size of the library and they backed, wholeheartedly, my strategy to do it.

I had worked hard, trained, for this job and then later for this accreditation. And it paid off in a big way. After four years, I was ready to move on. I had done all that I could and there was no more room for growth with the continued mindset of the board. BUT, I had proven my worth at least in the area of accreditation and I was paid to come back as a consultant for my replacement within the year. This time, they took my recommendations and they were accredited again. I don’t know if the library continued to be a strength, but it was at least no longer a weakness.

Wow, I didn’t know I had that in me. That must have been 16 years ago. What happened?

3.    Every area of life demands different disciplines for growth. What are some of the core elements of a disciplined training regimen that will help you prepare for spiritual vitality and maturity?

Want an answer without me cheating? I cannot look in the book? I’m putting myself out there …

·       Reading the Bible daily

·       Meditating on God’s Word

·       Studying His message to us

·       Praying often towards continually

·       Putting God’s purposes first

·       Putting our spouse’s needs second

·       Putting our children’s third

·       Putting the needs of our family’s next

·       Putting the needs of others next

·       Being last

·       Giving of our spiritual gifts and talents

·       Mentoring, guiding others to grow

·       Seeking our own guide/mentor

·       Finding our natural rhythm to operate most effectively

·       Having the time and availability to turn aside for God’s work

·       Keeping our eyes and ears open for God’s voice

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him
who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together
by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly,
makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

Ephesians 4:15-16 (ESV)

Training vs. Trying

I finally got to read chapter 3 on Saturday morning. I had set my alarm for 6am which was an hour of “sleeping in”. And I even let myself “lounge” for a ½ hour. But I wanted to read 3 in the worst way and was finally able to drag myself out of bed. I took my books into my daughter’s room – for she was in mine. Chapter 3 lifted a heavy burden and I wished I had given in and read it sooner. However, perhaps I needed to live with the anguish that chapter 2 brought me. It made the “lifting” all the more palpable.

Why do we try SO hard? Why do we set the goals SO high? Why do we punish ourselves SO much when we cannot meet such improbable goals?

I started running around last April, I believe. I knew I couldn’t run a long distance. I knew I couldn’t keep it up. I knew I would have to walk and that that would be okay. Walking was better than nothing. I also knew that I would have to set markers for myself for improvement. I wanted to be able to tell that I had gained something. I have run in the past, but not usually for myself. My goal was not to run in marathons or even races. I just wanted to be healthier.

In exchange for better lung capacity and stamina and the ability to eat more of what I want, I gave up sleep. And I’m not entirely certain that it was a good exchange …

In August, I started taking piano lessons. I’ve wanted piano lessons for most of my life, but the funds were not always available. Nor the time. Most especially NOT the actual piano. And I have devoured my first lesson book like I consume most of my other books. I cannot just dwell on one lesson/song. I find myself turning ahead and ahead and ahead. Again, I knew that I couldn’t just sit down and play anything I wanted. I knew that I’d have to be patient and work hard to get to where I wanted to be.

The most amazing thing is that I can see my gains. I’m starting to recognize the notes and the chords and where my fingers are supposed to go. The very thing I was most intimidated by is starting to come more naturally – sharps and flats. And I agonize over lack of perfection. Hahaha. Why should I even be worried about getting it all right? I’m just now learning. I’m doing good to get the notes right with some semblance to accurate count. Eventually, with practice, some of the other things like slurs and staccatos will be conquerable as well.

And you’re wondering where I’m going with this. “Spiritual transformation is not a matter of trying harder, but of training wisely.” I’ve been baptized. I’ve been confirmed. I attend church and Sunday School every Sunday. I used to go to every Community Group, Small Group, and Bible Study available for myself - picking one from among a few or many. And I wasn’t growing, advancing, being trained. I wasn’t learning how to be more anything. I was semi-fellowshipping. But you can do one or the other, but not both well. And there was certainly not anything authentic or life-changing - just standard answers. This is for me – my opinion.

I chose the least painful of a list of unexciting.

And when I got the gumption to do something better (for myself and anyone like me) OBSTACLE.

And then I fell into downward spiral. And I scattered. And it got worse and worse. And when things started to look/feel hopeful. Clobbered! No joy. No fun. No hope. No faith?

And this is NOW. I am in this chaos NOW.

And recently I began to feel that I was getting farther away from what I was meant to be. Even though I was doing more, (trying harder), I was feeling further than where I began.

And then chapter 3 reminds me that life, even spiritual life, follows a rhythm of consolation and desolation. And I am definitely in desolation and I feel that I have done something wrong and am being punished. But there is hope because it is only natural to live rhythmically. And there is the notion, according to C. S. Lewis, “It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be.”

Months ago, a friend reminded me that sometimes you can identify your passion by what makes you angry.

And my pastor suggested that where my joy is … there I’ll find my … well, my word – heart.

Very conflicting but true notions.

Then the book reinforced my thoughts … “Wise training respects our unique temperament and gifts.”

I can strain and strain to be something I’m not and be miserable. Or I can give it up to what is a natural fit.

Problem is – I’m not ready to claim anything. But I needed the hope.

I’m good at so many things, and I hate to watch others bungle something up that comes so easily to me. But there is a part of me that wants to give into the eccentric, ear-cutting off, mental, artistic side of me that turns people off. ‘Cause it would be so much easier to be distant and “crazy” than accessible and “crazy”. And then do I just not want anyone to be close? Do I not want to show my true colors? Case in point: writing a message that is my unconfident heart only to be replaced with something formal only to be replaced with my “closet clown” persona. I don’t know what is me anymore … Too busy being what everyone needs me to be and not what I need me to be. People Pleasers Anonymous anyone?

Even if I am unskilled in speaking, I am not so in knowledge …

2 Corinthians 11:6a (ESV)

Really. I just want to move on.

1.      What are some of the tell-tale signs that we are settling for pseudo-transformation rather than a true and life-changing work of God within us?

When we know all of the correct answers to the test and can earn all A’s in class, but we cannot put the knowledge into practice. When we are more concerned that we look righteous, than that we act righteously. When everything we do is to please others, but not ultimately to please God. When we try to be what we are not in order to fit in with the other liars. When we are the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. If the body does not, cannot transform, how can we expect the members to be able to transform. When everyone is pleasantly fake and hides their heart.

Deuteronomy 6:1-9 and Matthew 22:37-40

2.     How do these passages fly in the face of boundary-marker spirituality and call us to authentic faith?

They show that it has nothing to do with how you dress or what you do for a living or even the rules and laws that you keep. All that matters is one action. The act of LOVE. LOVE towards God first and foremost followed by LOVE to ALL others. Authentic Faith is exhibited through love. Loving God first and foremost with our hearts and minds, strength and souls. It doesn’t matter how righteous you look or act or pretend to be. If you cannot love another, it is all for show. If you cannot love your enemy, it isn’t a sacrifice.

3.     Put an X where you see yourself in this picture. What is it going to take for you to move more intentionally toward God’s will for your spiritual life?

Legalistic, boundary marker faith … Genuine love for God and others

I’d have to say, right now, I’m sitting pretty firmly in the legalistic, boundary marker faith even as I try to fight against it. I’m still waiting for a glimpse of Genuine Love in others. I’m starting to feel that my lack of trust in the genuine in other humans is preventing me from moving intentionally. When people say one thing, but act in direct opposition to what they say, I see lies, whether it is their intention or not. Yes, it is merely human. I need to look toward God’s love which is perfect. But either He is being silent, not talking to me, or I am in denial and unwilling to accept what He is asking me to do. Maybe I am just not ready yet. Periodically I catch something that stirs my heart, but quickly I am able to come up with a reason for the love that I see. I want to see someone loving the unlovable. Me? So I’m not technically unlovable, just feeling that way. Not feeling the love. It is SO hard to give LOVE when your tank is empty.

4.     John writes about the tendency to become judgmental and exclusive. What are some of the consequences if we let the poison of judgmental pride fill our hearts:

a.     For us – we pull back from others. We look down on others. We withhold love. We disintegrate. Pity party. Because no one is worthy of our exclusive group.

b.     For the church – we don’t function as a family. Rather we are a dysfunctional family. We don’t like each other let alone love each other. We fight over which part of the body we are.

c.      For those outside of the church - we turn off seekers. We turn them off of Christ. Non-Christians HATE Christians even if they love the man Jesus.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger,
brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Be kind and compassionate to one another,
forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.

Ephesians 4 31:32 (NIV)

Dwelling on Boundary Markers

I started writing this yesterday and was appalled at myself. I started erasing what I wrote, but am not feeling much better today. Not feeling like even going through the motions. Finishing these questions is all that is stopping me from reading chapter 3. Then I thought, maybe I’ll just read it anyway and go back later. While I sit here, I realize that at least I was being authentic even if I was broken. Maybe I need to get it all out of my system. Call myself out on it. Bring the judgment on myself. Because I hate dwelling on it. I’m ready to move forward, I think. No, I’m not. I cannot move forward until I deal with this.

So I apologize in advance at how ugly I can be on the inside.

Boundary markers that reflect my church or community:

·        Vocabulary – It was a strange conversation. A friend/co-worker and I were talking to a third co-worker from another department. My friend used the word “countenance” to describe an expression he had made. He didn’t know what she had meant by that word. My friend and I both automatically rattled off the church Blessing in way of explanation and he was even more confused. Wow. Naïve me assumed it was a given as if everyone has attended a church service and received the blessing.

·        Dress – Personally, I find it offensive that church members dress to the nines for their business, job, career, and come to worship in sloppy t-shirts and jeans. (Going right along with that, I find it offensive that church members cannot get up and motivated to attend church on a regular basis, but can make it to the office at all hours rain or shine.) And I’m mortified that this is one of the boundary markers that will separate the people from the multiple worship services within my own congregation.

·        Major dos – I must be feeling cynical this morning.

·        Major don’ts – Because I watch the major don’ts happen.

·        Worship style – The other boundary marker that separates the people of my congregation. You would think that worship was all about the music. Why can’t I have a place where I can have both extremes and everything in between? And so that it doesn’t seem that I buy into the notion of the worship style being defined by the music … regardless of how contemporary our service is, we do NOT talk out of turn. We do not Amen or Hallelujah. And it is rare that someone is willing to raise their arms to the Lord.

I’m avoiding the pitfalls of boundary-marker spirituality and seeking to grow in authentic faith by …

I guess I’m not. I think I’m embracing the boundary markers and then am offended when someone else opens mouth and inserts foot. How do I let go? Wear holey jeans and sloppy oversize t-shirts? I play with that idea, but it wouldn’t be sincere. And it wouldn’t be me. I try to step out of my comfort zone to embrace some growth and keep getting pigeon-holed. Maybe my prison wasn’t made by me, but I’m choosing to live within it and not break free. And I only want a little freedom. Perhaps I need to make a greater leap than I had anticipated … That would CERTAINLY take care of boundary markers.

Where do I fall on the scale of approachability?

·        People tend to avoid you

·        People are comfortable with you

·        People seek you out

Not a fair question when I’m focusing on approaching people myself. And I think that has a lot to do with who the “people” are. Oh, let’s have a pity party! I feel like I’m avoided like the plague.

How can I grow in my approachability and be more like Jesus?

Again, I think I need to focus on the approaching others. I’m the hesitant one. But I know what usually works. When I wear my smile. When I wear my confidence (which I have lost by the way). When I’m firm and make eye contact. When I acknowledge others even with a nod or a look. When I keep the earplugs out. When I remain aware of those around me. When I don’t wear my mood on my sleeve. Because when I’m too authentic with my current level of confusion, it really turns people off and away. No one wants to deal with a basket case. No one has the time for truth. Only pleasantries.

Must remember to turn internal, negative dialog off.

I’ll think I’ll stop for now. I expect too much out of myself.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)

Spiritual Measurement

Matthew 23: 1-28

1.    

a.     What were the Pharisees boundary markers?
They expected scholarly learning and strict adherence to the written law as interpreted by the rabbis. They expected tithing down to the herb garden. They expected acknowledgement of their position through honor. They wanted religious raiments. They wanted a pony show. They wanted documented proof of how good you were on the outside.

b.    How did Jesus feel about their approach to faith?
He said that their approach was empty. It was all for show. They practiced their faith in word, but not in deed. Their approach provided for their own glory and honor and pride, but it did nothing to help or assist their students/followers. They proved they knew the law, but not how to put it into practice.

c.     What are some examples of how these boundary markers exist today?
I find it very interesting that in my traditional worship service, we expect a show of respect toward our God through our “appropriate” clothing. In other services, I’ve heard that “come as you are” is the motto of the day and it is also said with an amount of pride. Within one church we have two conflicting ideas: “I wear my best for the Lord” and “My God wants me regardless of how I come”.
I find it funny to listen to the older generations complaining about people bringing their coffee to service, texting until the service starts and even during, kids playing with their DSs, men wearing their hats, cutoff shorts being the best a teen has to offer. Because I completely agree.
There’s my own personal boundary marker: Ya’ gotta be German to be a REAL Lutheran! You simply cannot convert between the denominations. Who does that? I cannot trust such a person. ;) And of course it helps to have generations of PROOF. Did I mention that my ancestors fled Switzerland for religious persecution?

2.   

a.     How full is your spiritual tank today?
Right now I’m running on about a quarter tank. That sounds bad, but if you would have asked me yesterday morning, I would have said I was running on fumes. It feels so good, that I’m tempted to say that it is fuller, but that is an illusion. When you run on empty TOO long, a drop feels like a gallon.

b.    What brought you to this point?
Yesterday, I had the privilege to hear my first confirmation testimony of the year. And it bothered me to the extreme. Here is a girl that I COMPLETELY identify with and she is talking about how she wants to find her PURPOSE in life. She knows she has one and it is her goal to find it and live it. And here I am, almost 40, and I still couldn’t say that I have FOUND it. There are plenty of arguments to be had there. One could say that I serve multiple purposes including being a wife and mother. But there seems to be this inherent idea that we have ONE purpose on this earth for which God has made us. And if we find it, we will be so filled that we will know it. The missing puzzle piece. So is this saying that I’ve been stagnant since 8^th grade confirmation. Or are we being led astray somewhere?

3.   

a.     What fills your tank and gives you fuel for authentic spiritual growth?
I don’t know that I can answer this question properly. Looking at a clear night sky full of stars and planets and galaxies is uplifting. Beautiful music of any kind lifts my spirits. Connection with people – which is hard to admit to since I don’t think I’m very good at it. But I think it has a lot to do with authenticity and trust. And when you can be vulnerable with another person and let down your walls and be in communion with another spiritual being. WOW! It’s those tentative first steps that kill me.

b.    What causes your tank to empty?
When you are sharing something of yourself with another person and you slowly watch their eyes glaze over and you KNOW they don’t really care, but they just need a warm body to complete their task at hand. When someone praises you for one of your talents and abilities, but it feels like empty praise because what they do with it or how they treat you is in direct opposition to what they have stated. When there is gorgeous music, but the people who are supposed to be singing – arent’ OR they are really not into it. More glazed eyes. How can you not want to dance? And I realize that every Sunday morning, I am holding myself in. I need to move, I need to belt it out, but I hold back so as not to draw attention to myself? So as not to embarrass my family?

c.     What can you do in the coming week to make sure your tank is being filled for authentic Christian living?
This week, regardless of how the people who have tasked me treat me, I am going to throw myself into the work they have asked for so that I can step back and be proud of what I have done no matter how well it pleases or disappoints the person who “commissioned” it. And I think I’m going to be truthful with at least one person who is draining me.

d.    Who will keep you accountable in this growth area?
Hahaha. Isn’t that what you’re for? Joking. There are several people who know I have been struggling. And I have told them everything. And they know when I have failed in my intent. And they will know when I have succeeded. Because I have found a few friends who sincerely care. Who do check in with me. Who do know how painful this is.

4.   

a.     What will you use to measure and determine the condition of your spiritual life?
I don’t know. Are there measures out there? I assume there must be. I realize that I must have received some at some point. But they didn't stick with me. Somethings are memorable. Somethings are not. I googled and found something … Mary of Magdala’s Spiritual Priorities.Mary’s Priorities - As far as Mary was concerned, there was not one responsibility of life that took priority before attending the Lord.
Mary’s Preparation - Anything worthwhile, done for Christ, is costly and requires preparation.
Mary’s Passion­ - How long has it been since your soul was so touched over the sufferings of Christ that you were compelled to weep? How close, dear one, is your intimacy to Him?
Mary’s Perplexity - Thus knowing the supreme position of our risen Lord, we have the confidence that all is well. Laying hold of this not only helps the blood pressure, the nervous system, and the stomach, but it gives us a tranquility of mind that surpasses anything this poor world knows anything about.

http://www.saved.com/wis/archive/2002/w2002125.htm

b.    What are healthy and Christ-honoring measures of our spiritual health?
Is Christ always at the forefront of our minds?
Are we willing to go one step further for Christ?
Are we intimate with Him?
Have we placed ALL confidence in Him?

Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything by prayer and supplication
with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 (ESV)