Truth

Okay, so now I’m a day late and the story is four days old. So very much happened today. I’ve been inundated with odd, strange, perplexing and am overwhelmed. I threw myself into “work” on Friday and made a delicious Indian spiced chickpea and fire roasted tomato soup. Seriously. Watered all of the plants. Finished the laundry including putting it away. Washed the dishes – twice – and put them away. I accomplished sooooo much. Just not much reading OR writing. Which leaves me feeling unfinished.  

But at the end of the day, I thanked the Lord for keeping me on task and completing more than I would normally require for myself. Including driving to the grocery store – thrice! I thanked Him because while I kept myself busy, my mind did not stray. As the current Sunday School song states, “Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.” Am I turning a new leaf? 

The story: I’m a librarian. A children’s librarian. In library school you learn about the proper way to direct the “reference question.” Sometimes the patron knows exactly what they want, but are unable or unwilling to explain themselves. Sometimes the patron isn’t sure of what they want, and it’s the librarian’s job to help them discover it. Regardless, we have to dig for information so that we are able to supply the patron with the material they require. We certainly don’t want them to leave disappointed or empty-handed. 

So I overheard a reference assist. I couldn’t stop myself from listening… The adult male was asking for a series of books for which he didn’t have any of the pertinent information – exact title, author - that kind of stuff. The librarian, amazingly, found them with the aid of our online catalog. Unfortunately, the library didn’t own them, but we could request them from another library for him. 

The patron was very excited to request them and handed over his library card. Unfortunately, it was expired. To which he replied, he no longer lived in the city limits perhaps we should try his new card from a local library. Bingo! 

Except that he had already requested the books… according to the system – not the man. The librarian explained that we couldn’t make them come any quicker. He would just have to wait. 

Well, that was fine, he had just requested them that morning at his local library. He had just hoped that we had them and he could get them sooner. The librarian explained that he could get them sooner if he went to the library that owned them. He was more than willing. 

But only one library was public, the rest were school libraries. He could only get one that very day, but he better call ahead in case it was already pulled for him. It might go into transit in the meantime. He wouldn’t want to waste a trip. 

It occurred to me, listening, that if he just would have come out and spoke the truth from the get go, the whole conversation could have been reduced to a few simple clicks. Later the librarian pointed out to me that had he asked at his local library, they could have told him everything he needed to know without ever driving into town. 

Why do they make it so difficult? Patrons. Men. (lol). It’s like pulling teeth. What do they have to lose by withholding the truth? Lying really. And it all came out in the open in the end anyway. 

And then I recalled that I sometimes, often, operate in the same way. I avoid the truth. Why? I’m not precisely sure. Maybe because the truth doesn’t seem good enough. Why do I have to provide an excuse and often a made up one? Why does that seem better? 

How many hours do we waste because we refuse to be open, honest, vulnerable? Why do we speak the untruths? I think the guy was playing dumb. I don’t think that’s what I do. Either I try to be nice and polite and considerate. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Or I want to lend more weight, credence to my side of the story. 

Anyway. It was a funny story. To a librarian. But I ended up pointing four fingers back at myself even as I pointed one at him. 

It’s much too late to write. I’m tired and flushed. Right now I want to be romanced by God. I’m intrigued. I’m looking back at the times He sent me Love Messages and I didn’t recognize them for what they were. Now I want to ask for more and hope to see them… 

Hear, O daughter, and consider, and incline your ear:
forget your people and your father’s house,
and the king will desire your beauty.

Since he is your lord, bow to him.
Psalm 45:10-11 (ESV) 

And there was my first! Thank you Lord Jesus.

Shaking off the old

Hey, I know. I’ve been missing in action. I could say I have been busy – which I am. I could say I have been sick – which I am. I could say I have been tired – again, which I am. These might all be factors, but they’re still not quite the truth.  

I completed my mission and while I am not finished – I won’t be finished until Jesus’ Second Coming – I’m not angry. It’s so very easy to vent. Page upon page of madness flows so very freely. And I’m not angry anymore. Frustrated and disappointed periodically, but not demonically raging. 

And I don’t want this to be about me and my “rightness”. I want to be authentic in such a way that others can join me. We can be vulnerable and wounded and supportive and nurturing. And encouraging. I am hopelessly flawed. We all are, but in different ways. I don’t want to have to hide it behind a façade. 

I read the blogs of others… and some are so “perfect” that I don’t believe them. I find them to feel fake. And others are so real that I always come away so very uplifted. And then there are the angry and lost ones. It scares me how very many people are angry and lost. I am not unique. But it makes me want to do better. To be encouraging and not enabling. 

You know, there is another reason why I haven’t been writing. I haven’t had a book. Not entirely true. I’ve had one, but I’ve been trying to make myself fit into a mold that really isn’t meant for me. I hate to quit. But I did. Pat on the back. A Co-worker mentioned Captivating by the Eldridges. The library had it, I grabbed it. And I haven’t been insanely anal about reading it. I read a chapter when I have a spare moment. But I find that I would like to continue. I keep gravitating to it. 

And what have I discovered? I’m not alone. I’m not the only one who always gets anxious when I go to meet someone. Even someone whom I consider a friend. I get nervous. I will drive around the block several times to avoid arriving early. I am so timid. I fear rejection or not being good enough. I feel so much better when I just say, I don’t know what I should do, so please direct me. As I get comfortable, I no longer need the direction. But I’m so afraid of doing something wrong. 

I feel no such compulsion when I’m writing. For some reason, I have no qualms about speaking my mind when I’m writing. I can open up mouth and insert foot with relish. But put me in front of people as “Alissa” and you can hear a pin drop. Laughing. 

I’d like to share a story with you. Tomorrow … Until then, 

God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)

Holy Discontent

The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.
Romans 8:16-17

Step 2: Holy discontent with the status quo

“As long as we are content with the status quo, we will not discover God’s vision.”

“Vision often comes in times of desperation.”

Sometimes you read a book and certain words just ring true. You recognize yourself in them. Discontent. Dissatisfaction… Security in Sameness.

I just finished reading a book called Divergent by Veronica Roth. That’s the kind of book I enjoy. The kind of book when there is an enormous societal problem and the children become the revolutionaries – unwilling rebels in some cases. The underdog saves the world… The Son saves the world.

Have I said this before? I need something. Something BIG to knock us from our complacency. It’s frightening to ask for such a thing. In some cases, it’s really not appreciated. I get so excited to hear that another earthquake happened. There’s another hurricane on its way. Creation is groaning! I want the End Days. And that is a ridiculous thing to ask for because I’m not prepared. Ill-prepared.

I don’t know. I want to find vision. The book says I must prepare for it. I know what I think I need to jumpstart myself. And I’ve got all of these little bitty pieces that must fit together somehow.

What goes into my make-up. What thrills me. What sets my blood on fire. People talk about leaving their comfort zone. People suggest I try something different. What they don’t realize is that I want something drastically MORE so.

So do I write about it? Create my own little world. Or do I live it? Can I write what I want as a place to start?

I’ve always felt suffering was a part of being a Christ-Follower. But we hardly suffer. I suffer emotionally more from other believers than from n0n-believers. I see a lot of candy-coated suffering. I’d almost prefer a bullet.

When I heard these things, I sat down and wept.
Nehemiah 1:4a

Finding a new vision

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”
Romans 8:14-15 (ESV)

I am almost working like a normal person again. Define normal. My normal.

I was helping in a class yesterday morning and one child, referring to another child at the table, declared that she was weird. She did it in an affectionate way so I played along. I asked, “Are you a lit ‘0’ bit weird or a lot ‘o’ bit weird?” She proudly proclaimed herself “a lot ‘o’ bit”. A compatriot! Later outside of class, the “weird” girl made a point of recognizing me. Self recognizes self. And we are one stronger!

Preparing for Vision:

Step 1 – Collecting information

What’s not working? I have WAY too much time on my hand. For the past few years, I have spread myself thin among many things that I would like to do and enjoy doing along with some things that I didn’t have the common sense to say no to.

While I knew what I WANTED to do, I opted to be asked and was dissatisfied with the results. In the end, I really had nothing to add that felt of worth. I spent a lot of busy time spinning my wheels.

The few times I went after what I wanted, there really wasn’t a well-thought out plan or focus. I was a people pleaser. God forbid, I was to put a bit of myself into the task. I remained dissatisfied and frustrated.

What do I really want? Where do I wish to focus my vision? The idea here is to join myself to God’s vision to find a vision for me. God wants people. How can He reach people through me?

I have to be serious about this. I am very uncomfortable thinking about those who are not reached. How can I reach anyone when I am primarily in places with people that already know God? And are every bit as hypocritical as me. If not only in my eyes, certainly in the eyes of the outsiders.

Who am I concerned about? Kids and parents on the same track as I am? We want something new and different and amazing. We’re bored with the same old. We want some danger and some adventure and we’re sick of the lies we were sold.

It’s dangerous. Very dangerous. To be raised in a legalistic climate without receiving a true relationship. When looks count more than the actual heart. And no one shows their true colors.

We all know there is something more. We all know there has to be something better. Some choose to leave what they know. Some choose to stay and sweat it out. I’ve stayed. Will I continue? What can I do to shake things up a bit?

I cannot even get “good” anymore. I want awe-inspiring. I’m tired of comedic and unprofessional. Sometimes you have to go up against the enemy – powerful warriors and battle them face to face to realize what you’re missing. Bravery and selflessness go hand in hand.

Could I use “art” to do this? What is my art? What is my heart? Where is God in relation to my heart?

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.
1 Corinthians 2:9

Forgive and Forget.

So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.
Romans 8:12-13 (ESV)

Translations. How many have we gone through and how many will there be? When I was in elementary school, we had the Good News Bible. I enjoyed the featureless faces of the illustrations. I remember the RSV and then I really learned to like the NIV and then I requested a special Bible as a gift and didn’t consider that it would be an ESV. Was there a choice? And I don’t care for it. I don’t like the language. I read a children’s version during Sunday School. The one that the lector read from in church on Sunday wasn’t the same as the one in the pew Bible. And sometimes in Bible Study, you just hope a certain someone doesn’t read because their translation is always different from everyone else’s. UGH!

Anyway, it was suggested I read Romans 8. I’ll just give in and complain. It’s so circular that it drives me nuts. Absolutely batty. If a person was speaking like this to me, I would turn the sound off. It’s like, “would you just get to the point already?”

I’ve got nothing.

I’m empty.

I’m going to tackle the last three together. And I suppose I could throw in a couple of others as well.

What it comes down to is abandonment. I felt abandoned. It pretty typical that children of divorce feel this way whether they can articulate it or not. How are you supposed to feel when the very people who are there to protect you, leave.

At some point you have to forgive them and accept that they are only human also. That they are hurting and simply trying to survive.

God has tried to show me time and time again that He is the One, the One and Only. I can depend upon Him and He will never leave me. He wants me to place my trust in Him. When everyone else fails, He is still there. Always.

And everyone else has failed. Failed. Sometimes the very people who should lead you to a closer relationship with God manage to drive a deep wedge in between instead.

There have been times when I have cried out and there have been times that I have lashed out. There have been times that I prayed and there have been times that I have been silent.

And I’m stuck. I’m not growing and it’s an uncomfortable place. Unfortunately, I keep turning elsewhere. To myself and my own intelligence. To my books. To my family or “friends”. To those that I’ve been raised to believe can lead me. But I need to go to God instead.

What I want to know is how does someone give themselves fully to Christ? How do you surrender? How does He become your one and only Love? How? I don’t get it? I don’t know what it looks like? I’m dying for someone to show me. And perhaps it simply looks different for different people.

I swear there is one person that looks and feels like the real thing. But it won’t look the same for me.

Yes, I’m angry and righteously so for the things that were done to me or happened to me that traumatized me. There are people who have suffered worse. It is sin. The sins of the father carried unto the future generations. The sins of centuries.

But they have been covered. Once for all. Time to move on.

“…go, and from now on sin no more.”
John 8:11b (ESV)

If I can be wrong, I can also be right.

You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.
Romans 8:9-11 (ESV)

I have been having some simply lovely days. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I have been less serious and more fun-loving. I haven’t concerned myself so much with stuff that doesn’t really pertain to me. Things that used to send me into a tail-spin – well, I’ve been released. And I’m praying more. Still not well, but definitely keeping my mind on track better.

So that now I am finally moving towards the top, think huge, part of my list, I don’t have as much to complain about anymore. It’s amazing how a person can not-get-on-your-nerves when you don’t see them for a while.

And again, I don’t think I necessarily have a grievance against this next person. I think this person has made their own bed and now must lie in it. They make multiple decisions and some are bound to be bad even when others are good. They are not always right, even if they think they are.

I also realize that people don’t stick around forever. Only a very few of us do. And when you step back and view the Big Picture, the roller coaster that we may seem to be in now won’t even appear as a blip in the grand scheme. I can wait it out. Things take care of themselves. And tomorrow is a brand new day. We have no idea what tomorrow holds.

Someone remarked on how I seem to know everyone. That isn’t true. I know a lot of people. Maybe I don’t know the important ones. Maybe I don’t have connections. And I probably don’t know the ones that you think are important. And heck, we might have common friends, but I know their casual nickname and you know their proper name. The world is huge. I can enjoy my piece of the pie without you interrupting me or vice versa.

Another person once said that the brash and noisy people are always heard over the meek eloquent ones. A confident well-spoken person can have you wrapped around their finger in no time. But they cannot have it every way. Sometimes they have to choose and hopefully they make their choice for the majority or for the core rather than for the bright and shiny impulses or for themselves.

I’m tired of being preached to. I’m tired of fluff. I’m tired of bright and shiny newness without any substance or conviction or staying power! And I love that I have choices.

I really cannot stand conundrums or people who say one thing to one person and an entirely different thing to another person regarding the same subject within one week.

I cannot trust a person who recognizes a need for change. Promises it and two years later there is still no change!

I think I have righteous anger on this count and this I am allowed.

For whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.
1 John 3:20 (ESV)

Why has it taken so long to discover this verse? I will work towards:

Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God.
1 John 3:21 (ESV)

Perfectionism - butting heads

For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
Romans 8:5-8 (ESV)

I just love those black and white conundrums. Either or, but not both. You either are or you aren’t. Don’t we all have some sin that we struggle with daily? It might be a big one or it might be a small one in our opinion, but aren’t they all the same in God’s sight. NO sin can He tolerate in His presence. And it is all a sin of the flesh. And aren’t we all more concerned with ourselves than with one another?  Even those that we think should be better than that? And then aren’t we just supposed to worry about our own sin and not be critical of others. And here we are worrying about ourselves again instead of others? “If you’re not for us, then you’re against us.” If God is for us, who can be against us?

Are any of you like me and can argue any side? So you come off as undecided or wishy-washy? Or apologetic? Or weak?

“I know what you’re about. I know why you do what you do. I can even agree with what you are doing and even support it. On the other hand, in the position you are in, I think it is a bad idea. It provides a miscommunication. It can produce a lack of trust. It’s not good leadership. I like you and all, but find that we are stuck with you. If things were different… I cannot believe you could take this position knowing that you weren’t able to support one of its key components. Kind of like a janitor who refuses to clean the bathrooms. He/she shouldn’t have taken the job.”

Welcome to my mind…

My person of grievance today. I don’t even think I have a grievance against this person. They are not my favorite person. I do not dislike them. They are more than an acquaintance, but I wouldn’t call them a friend. I don’t work for them or with them. I suppose they work for me. Sometimes I like the job they do and sometimes I’m utterly disappointed. If I complain about something, they go into defensive mode. When I praise something it’s fine. They are in a position of authority and I probably allow them to be always right. That’s simply not possible. It is hard to be in a place where you are always wrong. And that’s not possible either. So perhaps I’m withholding out of self-preservation.

I used to go to this person when there was a problem and the situation always got turned back to me. As if the problem was in my court or was only from my own point of view. Even when there were others with my point of view. Often I was the only person willing to be vocal. I always felt like I was being psychologized and I abhor that. After all, I like to be right as well and the next person.

So I stopped talking.

I don’t think that is the answer.

I stopped initiating contact.

I don’t think that is the answer.

I don’t actually have to be in any kind of relationship with this person. I’ve disengaged. We all want to be pursued when we extract ourselves from the situation. We all want someone to care. Sometimes there are other more important things to deal with. How many other people are being hurt like myself simply because we don’t have a voice?

I cannot change how someone else thinks or goes about their business. But I can change the way I interact with people. Perhaps I’m upset with them because they remind me of myself… They always have to be right.

So I am going to focus on my own shortcomings. I am going to pray that “being right” isn’t what is most important to me. I am going to pray that I have the wisdom to keep silent and the discernment to know when I need to talk. And I will pray that I don’t disengage as a way to maintain control. I pray that I pray more.

For God so loved that world that He gave His one and only Son, so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.
John 3:16

It’s as simple as that. No need to make it more difficult.