Truth

Okay, so now I’m a day late and the story is four days old. So very much happened today. I’ve been inundated with odd, strange, perplexing and am overwhelmed. I threw myself into “work” on Friday and made a delicious Indian spiced chickpea and fire roasted tomato soup. Seriously. Watered all of the plants. Finished the laundry including putting it away. Washed the dishes – twice – and put them away. I accomplished sooooo much. Just not much reading OR writing. Which leaves me feeling unfinished.  

But at the end of the day, I thanked the Lord for keeping me on task and completing more than I would normally require for myself. Including driving to the grocery store – thrice! I thanked Him because while I kept myself busy, my mind did not stray. As the current Sunday School song states, “Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.” Am I turning a new leaf? 

The story: I’m a librarian. A children’s librarian. In library school you learn about the proper way to direct the “reference question.” Sometimes the patron knows exactly what they want, but are unable or unwilling to explain themselves. Sometimes the patron isn’t sure of what they want, and it’s the librarian’s job to help them discover it. Regardless, we have to dig for information so that we are able to supply the patron with the material they require. We certainly don’t want them to leave disappointed or empty-handed. 

So I overheard a reference assist. I couldn’t stop myself from listening… The adult male was asking for a series of books for which he didn’t have any of the pertinent information – exact title, author - that kind of stuff. The librarian, amazingly, found them with the aid of our online catalog. Unfortunately, the library didn’t own them, but we could request them from another library for him. 

The patron was very excited to request them and handed over his library card. Unfortunately, it was expired. To which he replied, he no longer lived in the city limits perhaps we should try his new card from a local library. Bingo! 

Except that he had already requested the books… according to the system – not the man. The librarian explained that we couldn’t make them come any quicker. He would just have to wait. 

Well, that was fine, he had just requested them that morning at his local library. He had just hoped that we had them and he could get them sooner. The librarian explained that he could get them sooner if he went to the library that owned them. He was more than willing. 

But only one library was public, the rest were school libraries. He could only get one that very day, but he better call ahead in case it was already pulled for him. It might go into transit in the meantime. He wouldn’t want to waste a trip. 

It occurred to me, listening, that if he just would have come out and spoke the truth from the get go, the whole conversation could have been reduced to a few simple clicks. Later the librarian pointed out to me that had he asked at his local library, they could have told him everything he needed to know without ever driving into town. 

Why do they make it so difficult? Patrons. Men. (lol). It’s like pulling teeth. What do they have to lose by withholding the truth? Lying really. And it all came out in the open in the end anyway. 

And then I recalled that I sometimes, often, operate in the same way. I avoid the truth. Why? I’m not precisely sure. Maybe because the truth doesn’t seem good enough. Why do I have to provide an excuse and often a made up one? Why does that seem better? 

How many hours do we waste because we refuse to be open, honest, vulnerable? Why do we speak the untruths? I think the guy was playing dumb. I don’t think that’s what I do. Either I try to be nice and polite and considerate. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Or I want to lend more weight, credence to my side of the story. 

Anyway. It was a funny story. To a librarian. But I ended up pointing four fingers back at myself even as I pointed one at him. 

It’s much too late to write. I’m tired and flushed. Right now I want to be romanced by God. I’m intrigued. I’m looking back at the times He sent me Love Messages and I didn’t recognize them for what they were. Now I want to ask for more and hope to see them… 

Hear, O daughter, and consider, and incline your ear:
forget your people and your father’s house,
and the king will desire your beauty.

Since he is your lord, bow to him.
Psalm 45:10-11 (ESV) 

And there was my first! Thank you Lord Jesus.

Shaking off the old

Hey, I know. I’ve been missing in action. I could say I have been busy – which I am. I could say I have been sick – which I am. I could say I have been tired – again, which I am. These might all be factors, but they’re still not quite the truth.  

I completed my mission and while I am not finished – I won’t be finished until Jesus’ Second Coming – I’m not angry. It’s so very easy to vent. Page upon page of madness flows so very freely. And I’m not angry anymore. Frustrated and disappointed periodically, but not demonically raging. 

And I don’t want this to be about me and my “rightness”. I want to be authentic in such a way that others can join me. We can be vulnerable and wounded and supportive and nurturing. And encouraging. I am hopelessly flawed. We all are, but in different ways. I don’t want to have to hide it behind a façade. 

I read the blogs of others… and some are so “perfect” that I don’t believe them. I find them to feel fake. And others are so real that I always come away so very uplifted. And then there are the angry and lost ones. It scares me how very many people are angry and lost. I am not unique. But it makes me want to do better. To be encouraging and not enabling. 

You know, there is another reason why I haven’t been writing. I haven’t had a book. Not entirely true. I’ve had one, but I’ve been trying to make myself fit into a mold that really isn’t meant for me. I hate to quit. But I did. Pat on the back. A Co-worker mentioned Captivating by the Eldridges. The library had it, I grabbed it. And I haven’t been insanely anal about reading it. I read a chapter when I have a spare moment. But I find that I would like to continue. I keep gravitating to it. 

And what have I discovered? I’m not alone. I’m not the only one who always gets anxious when I go to meet someone. Even someone whom I consider a friend. I get nervous. I will drive around the block several times to avoid arriving early. I am so timid. I fear rejection or not being good enough. I feel so much better when I just say, I don’t know what I should do, so please direct me. As I get comfortable, I no longer need the direction. But I’m so afraid of doing something wrong. 

I feel no such compulsion when I’m writing. For some reason, I have no qualms about speaking my mind when I’m writing. I can open up mouth and insert foot with relish. But put me in front of people as “Alissa” and you can hear a pin drop. Laughing. 

I’d like to share a story with you. Tomorrow … Until then, 

God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)

Holy Discontent

The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.
Romans 8:16-17

Step 2: Holy discontent with the status quo

“As long as we are content with the status quo, we will not discover God’s vision.”

“Vision often comes in times of desperation.”

Sometimes you read a book and certain words just ring true. You recognize yourself in them. Discontent. Dissatisfaction… Security in Sameness.

I just finished reading a book called Divergent by Veronica Roth. That’s the kind of book I enjoy. The kind of book when there is an enormous societal problem and the children become the revolutionaries – unwilling rebels in some cases. The underdog saves the world… The Son saves the world.

Have I said this before? I need something. Something BIG to knock us from our complacency. It’s frightening to ask for such a thing. In some cases, it’s really not appreciated. I get so excited to hear that another earthquake happened. There’s another hurricane on its way. Creation is groaning! I want the End Days. And that is a ridiculous thing to ask for because I’m not prepared. Ill-prepared.

I don’t know. I want to find vision. The book says I must prepare for it. I know what I think I need to jumpstart myself. And I’ve got all of these little bitty pieces that must fit together somehow.

What goes into my make-up. What thrills me. What sets my blood on fire. People talk about leaving their comfort zone. People suggest I try something different. What they don’t realize is that I want something drastically MORE so.

So do I write about it? Create my own little world. Or do I live it? Can I write what I want as a place to start?

I’ve always felt suffering was a part of being a Christ-Follower. But we hardly suffer. I suffer emotionally more from other believers than from n0n-believers. I see a lot of candy-coated suffering. I’d almost prefer a bullet.

When I heard these things, I sat down and wept.
Nehemiah 1:4a