Chapter 4 – Forgiving – Part 5

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3:13

Exercise 5: Act of Contrition

Write a prayer asking for forgiveness for not trusting your dreams and visions to “the Father of the heavenly lights.”  End your prayer with a firm resolve to begin to seek God’s vision for you and to trust in his ability to help you achieve that vision.

I could sit here and write a magnificent prayer, but it would be a hollow activity. Even if I were to write it in a safe place away from visiting eyes, it would be an “act”. This is no more than a 12 step plan that won’t actually fix things. It is all so much deeper than this. The brokenness that I feel. The brokenness that I see. It is heartbreaking.

I was astonished by a question. “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy this?” I was speechless. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t have a good answer. “It’s better than the alternative. I’d rather be doing this than something else. I’d rather be here than elsewhere.”

As long as I was at church for Easter preparation and Easter services, I was all right and happy and cheerful. As soon as I left, well, it wasn’t Easter.

Not to say that all of Easter preparation and Easter services was perfect and pure either.

Another person described to me the lack of support. There is no one that has your back. There is no one to uplift you. There is no one to pray for you individually. There was a moment when I thought that I was being cared for … and then things got strange and uncomfortable.

There are a lot of people quick to tear you down in their effort to build themselves up or deflect the light away from themselves. And there are a lot of people who can be drawn to your light who choose to suck it away.

Lifeboat mentality.

I keep searching for the moment when I get this right. I’ve mentioned trying to walk up the down the escalator. Well, it’s more like I’ve fallen off. And people keep walking by without even seeing the fact that there is something wrong. And the few that I’ve try to talk to … well, I think people jump to conclusions. I was worried that I just wasn’t communicating well. I no longer think that is the problem. More likely, people jump to conclusions and don’t listen to the story in its entirety.

People are looking for my broken arm or leg or the bump on my head. Forget it. I’m physically healthy. I’m even mentally close to okay. But spiritually? The part that cannot be seen?

Ah, here I am. It’s all about me. Stop thinking about my own problems. Pay attention to the problems of those around me. And seek God and His plans for me at every moment.

Most Heavenly Father, forgive me for avoiding you. Forgive me for trying to maintain some semblance of control. Forgive me for daydreaming and not dreaming. Forgive me for not trusting you. Forgive me for making you into being just like everyone else. Forgive me for wanting support and love from the broken when you are there, always, with open arms and completion.

Please be with me today. In my every moment. Show me how I can keep my ear open to you and in my every action, thought, word. Lead me into a new dream. A new vision. A dream of you and eternal, holy life. Bring me away from the shadows. Protect me. Let your light shine through me. Prevent my shadows from consuming me and those around me. Let my happiness be You. I want You to be my hope.

Amen.

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
Luke 6:37

Behold, he comes up like clouds; his chariots like the whirlwind; his horses are swifter than eagles – woe to us, for we are ruined!

Jeremiah 4:13 (ESV)