Hate

If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.
1 John 5:20

I did not do a good job yesterday. And it wasn’t until the end of the day that I realized that I had not prayed. How easily we get distracted. Especially when we are on the cusp of vacation!

But I am moving onward. Perhaps I should write words on my hands to remind me. Write God’s Word on my forehead. Of course, then I couldn’t see it.

Today I am admitting that it is quite possible to disagree with someone, to disagree with their plans, to disagree with their methods, to disagree with their choices without hating them. It is also quite possible to disagree when everyone else agrees.

I can disagree and still do my job. It just isn’t easy. In fact, it takes the joy out of something that might normally bring joy. One might not put forth the effort anymore. And if I am then made ineffective, then I should stop and go elsewhere.

And if my disagreement leads to hate, I definitely need to vacate.

I’ve been trying to operate as though I am “normal” even while I have been consumed by contempt. I can hardly keep from crying.

This is the case where my feet were dangling gleefully over the edge. I had been made aware that I could cause a person ill health by my evil thoughts and I chose to foster that idea for an evening. I screamed and threw tantrums. I felt the demon possessing me and I relished it. I wanted to hurt. I wanted to lash out. Never attack a wounded animal.

And that’s when God finally put his foot down and told me to grow up. That no one would take an insane person seriously and I didn’t have His support. If I wanted His support, then I needed to give up the path I had taken and begin anew. He would not give His blessings to me with a hate-filled heart.

He told me that He was in control and could make all things good. That I needed to trust Him and His Purposes. It is not my job to make judgment. That He could shine His light on all things.

And that’s the scary part for someone hiding in the darkness. I must change my ways.

So today, I pray that I can be open. I pray that I can be still. I pray that I will give up my need for control. I pray that my heart is willing to give others second chances, for God has given me a second chance. A do over. And I ask for forgiveness for all the hate and ill intentions.

“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
Psalm 46:10 (ESV)

Withholding

…We constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.
2 Thessalonians 1:11-12

Did I pray constantly? No. Did I pray? Yes. Did I pray well? The Lord doesn’t require fancy prayers. He’s just glad I’m trying.

I was able to verbally relay the change I’ve gone through in the last week alone. It is positive. A month or so ago, I was in the clutches of despair. I had no peace. And while I still have reservations about these two people I’ve begun with. I’ve been able to state my case sanely without malice, only concern.

So I will continue to pray for them, but I’ve chosen my next person.

This next person is a gateway to things that I would like to do. I asked to do something and she said no. And I’m offended. And I’m punishing her by withholding.

We talked about that yesterday too. There are two kinds of people: those that confront and those that withhold. I’m withholding. From many people. In theory, I am punishing them for hurting me. In reality, they have no idea that I’m doing it. And I’m actually punishing myself.

It reeks being so smart. Lol. Just a lack of common sense.

What I need to do is a better job of explaining what I wish to do and why without criticizing the efforts of what is already being done. I need to create a plan. And perhaps I need to share it with different people. And perhaps I just need to ask for it, and let them find someone they’d prefer to see it through.

And here’s the clincher. It’s no longer on my heart. I need to ask God for guidance. Should I let it go, or should I ask to be reconvicted? Either way, I will ask forgiveness for withholding my talents from many people in many ways. I will ask to be reignited and reengaged.

In the meantime, I wonder, if I were shorter, could I go farther? I know I wouldn’t have to stoop so much in caves. And I wouldn’t have to greet kids on my poor aching knees. I love my job because so many of us are of equal height. No one has to look up very much and no one has to look down. I can wear high heels without feeling like I’m being “snobbish”.

Do we choose our friends by the planes we occupy? Ooooo! I’m feeling a story there. Kind of like Flatlands. An excellent novel that does a fabulous job of explaining the various dimensions. Which, by the way, I love the “no” dimension of “me” WAY too much. Just joking.

‘So I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.’ But the master answered him, ‘You wicked and slothful servant!’
Matthew 25:25-26a (ESV)

Correction

Proverbs 5:12
You will say, “How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction!”

Now that I know I have been in the wrong for a while, it gets easier to accept the fact that I need discipline and correction. Oh, I know I need to change my ways, BUT I’m not ready to. If life is a journey, and I have been down the wrong path, isn’t it necessary to travel back on that path? You cannot just “beam me up Scotty!”

I’ve taken a long trip with an oubliette at the end. I’ve peered over the edge. Maybe even dangled my feet. Probably swung them in glee. Then I decided not to take that particular leap. I turned away from it, but there are occasional glances back. I’d like to say that the further I get from it, the less pull it has on me.

Since my friend has been praying for me, it IS getting easier. Have you ever noticed? It’s almost like you can tell someone is praying for you. Places where your mind used to dwell… well, your mind just kind of slides over them now? Once you notice, try as you might, you have a hard time focusing on a topic that is not healthy.

If only I prayed as well for me.

I don’t know how to deal with these grievances. The top of the list is too big and close. The bottom of the list is really less of a problem already. The middle of the list is too “present”. The people I struggle with right now!

Okay, I’m going to take a pair. They really belong to the same problem. My grievance towards them? I don’t like them. Which should translate to hate. Which translates to murder. Ouch.

And here is where I really want to list every offense of theirs against me. And here is where I want to tell you why you should be wary of them. And here is where I want to tell you what should be done with them.

But I won’t. Instead, I pray that…

Devil wants me to belittle them. They really are of no consequence. They don’t really have a place in my life. I shouldn’t give them the time of day anyway.

I’m just being honest. That’s really where my mind is going. And here is where I make one last valiant effort…

I need to pray for their broken hearts. I need to pray for their aching souls. I need to pray for their fearful mind. I need to ask the Lord to give them strength. I don’t have to interact with them to pray for them. I already have witnessed the power of prayer from afar.

My mission today is to pray for them.

My prayer for myself is to always pray when I think of them. And not rant.

Do not rejoice when your enemy falls,
and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles,
lest the Lord see it and be displeased,
and turn away his anger from him.
Proverbs 24:17-18 (ESV)

And the Lord spoke. Directly. Awesome in the Divine sense.

Malice

Romans 1:17
… “The righteous will live by faith.”

Romans 1:29-30
They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant, and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents.

My end of the deal is to pray, communicate and come to terms with the people on my list and my grievances. There are 14 people on my list. The 14^th person is actually a triumvirate. My friend wants me to work on this between me and God. It does not necessarily mean I have to go to these people. In some cases, most cases, they are probably entirely unaware of how they’ve hurt me.

And there’s the first rub. When I was asked to make a list of people I had grievances against, well, I immediately wrote down the names of the people that I had malice for BECAUSE of what THEY had done to ME. That’s a cinch, isn’t it? You lied to me. You got what I wanted. You abandoned me. You’re a gossip. You neglected me. You ignored me. You didn’t listen to me. You didn’t choose me. You get all the attention.

And I missed the charge, the mission. I was to make a list of people I had grievances against. I hate you. I envy you. I say bad things about you. I gossip about you. I wish you ill. I wish you were dead. I twist the truth about you. I operate against you. I am two-faced.

Over the last several months, I have had to listen to various people, friends of friends, friends of friends of friends AND friends of friends of friends of friends talk about families separated by divorce. The number of divorces in the 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon is staggering. And you will be amazed! My “friends” are ALWAYS in the right and their ex-spouses are always evil, unfit parents on a binge with no respect for the other party and a horrible influence on the children. I am surrounded by the GOOD.

After a period of time, it gets very hard to listen to. What have YOU done wrong? What’s the other side of the story? I’m sure there must be a reason why your ex won’t let you see your children anymore and it cannot be the same in every instance. I mean, I like you, but I’ve seen the way you treat your children before…

Well, I started noticing how “good” some people seemed to be and I also started noticing how “dark” my own heart had become. And it doesn’t matter how beautiful you are on the outside, if your insides are rotten. I started looking for genuineness. Someone who didn’t present “goodness” only when they were in the presence of someone with authority but spoke ill or even evil when with the crowd. It’s frightening. I then I started wondering if I did the same thing.

I then I discovered that even those I admired, the ones in authority, who displayed goodness much of the time, also had dark inclinations when they were in safe within a small group. And I was frightened. I no longer felt safe with these people. Then I asked myself, “Are they safe with me?” Probably not.

So I need to be honest with myself. And forget about what has been done to me. Most of it was entirely unintentional. I can say that now. And deal with my own sins against these people. And let them go, so I can move on. I cannot be so critical. I cannot have such high expectations. We’re all only human.

So do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion,
 on the day of testing in the wilderness.
Hebrews 3:8 (ESV)

My heart has been hardened by the testing. I have quenched the Spirit. I failed. It’s time to prepare for a better showing next time.

Bitterness

1 Samuel 1:10

In bitterness of soul Hannah wept and prayed to the Lord.

I was and maybe still am in a bad place. I knew it, saw it and felt it. I was always full of anger, frustration and disappointment. And the only thing I change, the only thing I have control over is myself.

I wanted help. I needed help. I had sought help before. And perhaps I wasn’t honest when I spoke. Perhaps they weren’t really listening. Maybe we weren’t communicating properly. But it usually left me further down the well than before.

But I found someone finally whom I trusted. Someone who wasn’t also mired in the feelings I was experiencing. Someone who was actually doing what they said they would and wouldn’t leave me hanging or drop me entirely without a word.

I found that I could express my thoughts and feelings with her and be accountable for my own wrongs. I could confess. I was able to talk about me and what I did and not about what THEY did to me. Although there was a little bit of that as well.

I’ve been crazy and unstable and I agree. She calls it high-strung and passionate. Volatile. And I can argue that I wouldn’t have been so “off-the-rocker” if people would just talk to me. If they ignore it, will it go away? Is there a problem they cannot seem to address? Do they fear confrontation?

I don’t know. But it looks like people pleasing. It looks like lying. It looks like a lack of authority… and there I go again. Complaining, judgmental, critical. It’s so easy to fall into old habits.

My “accountant,” for that’s what she is, she holds me accountable, was given, by God, a list of Bible verses. And they are hard to read. It is hard to receive discipline from your Maker. I began with the first. I cannot express how appropriate it is. When I soften my heart to the Lord, I cry. And I never know when it will happen. You might say I should let it happen. But not just anywhere. I’m not ready to cry continually.

She also gave me homework. I had to write a list of people for whom I held grievances. Actually, I had to write it twice so that we both had a copy. Her end of the bargain: she prays over this list and me three times a day. I’ll talk about my end of the deal tomorrow.

And David said, “The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.” And Saul said to David, “Go, and the Lord be with you!”

1 Samuel 17:37 (ESV)

My lion – anger – Lord help me defeat it.

“Called to Fellowship with Jesus”

God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

1 Corinthians 1:9 (ESV)

“He will have a daily quiet time consisting of reading the Word and praying.”

Alissa has a daily quiet time consisting of writing and venting. Hey! And that quiet time ain’t quiet. There’s the dog and then the cat and of course the chance that the girls will decide that today they won’t sleep. And what I really want is the opportunity to do what I want to do uninterrupted because the rest of my day belongs to someone else.

And what I really want to be doing is reading a book. All I want is to read a book. Uninterrupted until I get to a point where I can set it aside and not wish that I could continue. Why did I choose a job where its main function is leisure? Unless you’re a child in which case it is considered education.

Do you know, that when you are reading a book in public, the majority of the people assume that you’d much rather be talking to someone? I’m sorry. I prefer a book.

Have you noticed that since I don’t have a person to mentor me… and I don’t have a book to guide me… I’m a bit out of control?

Wouldn’t it be amazing, if for once, I didn’t see my “task” through. If I noticed that what I was doing wasn’t working and I stopped. That I didn’t attempt to finish something.

Pigs are flying. Hell is frozen. I’m done with this. I’m finding something else.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

1 Corinthians 13:1 (ESV)

“Example of Daniel”

When Daniel knew that the document had been signed, he went to his house where he had windows in his upper chamber open toward Jerusalem. He got down on his knees three times a day and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as he had done previously.

Daniel 6:19 (ESV)

I have writer’s block. That’s all there is to it. And sometimes, when you have writer’s block, you should just write about nothing until there is something. My imagination is still in overdrive, but it is stuck in a loop. I do not have the answer to what comes next or how it should transition. So I keep replaying the same thing over and over. I alter it a little bit each time, but now I’m bored with it and want to start over, but the initial impulse is gone.

I’m just blocked period. Desire and motivation have flown the coop. Procrastination rules the day.

Maybe summer does this to me. Perhaps it is the heat. Perhaps it is the surroundings. Perhaps it is the people.

It might be the idiocy and ridiculousness.

It might just be me.

I’m burned out. Burnt out?

So what do you do when you’re burnt to a crisp? Take a break? Stop? Try something else? Back out of everything?

Scream and yell and throw a tantrum?

Cry constantly.

Act out your frustrations?

Put it to paper?

Jump off of a cliff and pull some people with you? Tempting!

The house that I am to build will be great, for our God is greater than all gods. But who is able to build him a house, since heaven, even highest heaven, cannot contain him? Who am I to build a house for him, except as a place to make offerings before him?
2 Chronicles 1:13 (ESV)

“Example of David”

O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch.

Psalm 5:3 (ESV)

There is another verse I prefer, but I cannot find it at this moment. But as I search for the other, I find so many that feel fitting to myself. No, I am not David, but sometimes I can see the troubles he faced and I can see parallels to today’s everyday problems.

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness? You have given me relief when I was in distress. Be gracious and hear my prayer! O men, how long shall my honor be turned into shame? How long will you love vain words and seek after lies? Selah

Psalm 4:1-2 (ESV)

I have this feeling that people back then were just as cruel as people now. I can include myself in the pack. I’m not perfect. And David wasn’t either. Why didn’t God answer his call? David begs God to release him from his anguish.

O people! How long will you love your safety in the lifeboat? How long will you seek to love yourself and trample all others to maintain your position at the prow? How long will you preach and not practice your own words. O you Hypocrites! You gossips! You spreaders of rumors! You give up your petty sins and display them for all to see in humble confession and yet hide the ones that would destroy you! The ones that would see you tossed from the lifeboat and left for dead.

Sorry. Kind of got away from me. I start to recognize myself in other people. We are all the same. Sinners. And yet there are the few that we still might wish to hold up as role models. People to become more like because they seem to be more Christ-like. Problem is – they can let you down. And that scares me. Who can one be safe with? Who can you be vulnerable to? Who can you be authentic with? Who can you share your inner most being with and not be blasted for it later?

Oh yes, Jesus. The One who showed us God. The One who loves us no matter what. He made us and we are His. We are His design. We need to glorify our worth as God’s people. Else, what’s the point?

We are His Plan A. Why do we bother ourselves with blueprints and licensing agreements before we begin?

“Example of Moses”

Be ready by the morning, and come up in the morning to Mount Sinai, and present yourself there to me on the top of the mountain. No one shall come up with you, and let no one be seen throughout all the mountain. Let no flocks or herds graze opposite that mountain.

Exodus 34:2-3 (ESV)

I’ve woken up with a coffee headache all week. Maybe longer. I’m not getting enough coffee in the morning. I get a full cup and then maybe a half. Or I just drink half of my second because it’s the bottom of the carafe. The dregs. And I have done absolutely nothing to fix the problem. I forget about it until 5:30 a.m. when I have the headache again.

There are a lot of things wrong, but I’m not attempting to fix them. When did I get so apathetic? Existential? Lazy?

This is the way it’s always been? Nothing is going to change? I can’t make a difference? Just want to throw in the towel and walk away?

I like this verse. It is God speaking. He is telling Moses exactly what to do. And you KNOW Moses doesn’t always obey. And you KNOW he can be kind of whiney. No one ever listens to him. And he isn’t a good speaker and please choose someone else.

I can really identify.

I’m not the person I was. And it probably happens to lots of us. We’re in college or fresh out of college and we’re loaded with an expensive (yet worthless) education and we’re ready to conquer the world! And then nothing happens.

I’ve been reading about the educational nature of church. Teach and teach and teach and teach. Do we ever advance to the next level. Are we ever promoted. Do we ever get a send off to go out and work. Or are we all sitting around acquiring knowledge? The same knowledge.

I cannot believe it’s another day. At least it’s Friday. And I get to eat, drink and be merry Saturday and Sunday!

“Looking for a color in a shade of gray. Looking for love in a drop of rain. Trying to find change from the old mundane. But everything I do just feels the same.”

Closer – Shawn McDonald

This has been my song for far too long.

“Example of Abraham”

And Abraham went early in the morning to the place where he had stood before the Lord.

Genesis 19:27 (ESV)

So, quiet time yet? No.

A special place to go? Almost.

It’s amazing how quickly we forget our own decisions. My room. The room I wanted to tackle to make my own. To reclaim from the toys. Well, it happened. No thanks to me. It’s clean and it’s huge. And I might have set foot in it once.

Summer is not a time for “me” time. I get up early in order to have “me” time and sometimes that doesn’t even work. The dog pesters me. A child gets up. Perhaps I’m not getting up early enough.

And more than anything, I just want to read. My books. Until I don’t wish to read anymore. Until I finish one. I don’t want quiet time. I want to fill up my head with someone else’s imaginings.

These must simply be the stresses of a mom during the summer. The time will end.

And there will even be a time when the children are grown. And I will have all the time in the world. Why am I rushing? What is the “end” that I am pushing for? When I finish one book, there will always be another.

And perhaps this blog has run its course. Maybe I don’t have anything unless I have a book to read.

Seriously. Do I even want The Quiet Time. I think I am avoiding it. I heard a new Kerry Roberts [sp?] song yesterday on my way to work. Wow! And I haven’t had much radio listening time with kids in the car. And the song was about being afraid to let (God) in? He might require something of me that I am not prepared to do or give up. He might change me. And I might not want to be that person.

I’m not prepared to listen. I don’t want a relationship. Those are too hard.

For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed.

John 3:20 (ESV)

Topic 2 – The Quiet Time

Training Objective: He will have a daily quiet time, consisting of reading the Word and praying.

“The Example of Jesus”

And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed.

Mark1:35 (ESV)

Well, that’s kind of embarrassing. I haven’t had any quiet time for 2 ½ weeks. During Vacation Bible School, I gave myself permission to sleep in an extra half hour and then I was up and running. I figured I would be immersed enough in Godly things. Yes, you may argue that indeed I should have continued even more diligently to be in the Word and pray and I would agree. But it was a fabulous week in most ways.

Then it did get bad. I was so far behind in my reading and reviewing that I chose to take another week off and catch up. Psychologically, it did a world of good for my brain. I got caught up. I even gave myself a break and made a deal with myself for the future.  I push myself too hard. I am too strict. Which makes everything – not… much… fun.

But then I noticed I was a bit depressed and out of control. The Devil took over and made sure I felt worthless. My positive outlook was gone. Tears came easily. And yesterday, I lost my temper with my girls. I realized that I hadn’t done that in a long while and I was scared.

And then I realized that I had let my Quiet Time, such that it is, go.

God and I haven’t been close lately. I have been angry, frustrated, agitated, disappointed and so many other things. But I was still trying. No, unfortunately, not training.

What I really need to do, is create an actual Quiet Time. Perhaps I’m too hard on myself. Making this not count. This is something. It’s more than nothing. But I think I need a next step. Because I’m not actually studying the Word. I’m not actually praying. I’m thinking and venting.

My dog walks used to be more prayer-like. And even those have suffered.

I’m tired. In so many ways.

(God loves me – how quickly I forget what I should know.)

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.

Ephesians 6:10-11 (ESV)

Belt of Truth

Breastplate of Righteousness

Shoes of the Gospel of Peace

Shield of Faith

Helmet of Salvation

Sword of the Spirit