Bitterness

1 Samuel 1:10

In bitterness of soul Hannah wept and prayed to the Lord.

I was and maybe still am in a bad place. I knew it, saw it and felt it. I was always full of anger, frustration and disappointment. And the only thing I change, the only thing I have control over is myself.

I wanted help. I needed help. I had sought help before. And perhaps I wasn’t honest when I spoke. Perhaps they weren’t really listening. Maybe we weren’t communicating properly. But it usually left me further down the well than before.

But I found someone finally whom I trusted. Someone who wasn’t also mired in the feelings I was experiencing. Someone who was actually doing what they said they would and wouldn’t leave me hanging or drop me entirely without a word.

I found that I could express my thoughts and feelings with her and be accountable for my own wrongs. I could confess. I was able to talk about me and what I did and not about what THEY did to me. Although there was a little bit of that as well.

I’ve been crazy and unstable and I agree. She calls it high-strung and passionate. Volatile. And I can argue that I wouldn’t have been so “off-the-rocker” if people would just talk to me. If they ignore it, will it go away? Is there a problem they cannot seem to address? Do they fear confrontation?

I don’t know. But it looks like people pleasing. It looks like lying. It looks like a lack of authority… and there I go again. Complaining, judgmental, critical. It’s so easy to fall into old habits.

My “accountant,” for that’s what she is, she holds me accountable, was given, by God, a list of Bible verses. And they are hard to read. It is hard to receive discipline from your Maker. I began with the first. I cannot express how appropriate it is. When I soften my heart to the Lord, I cry. And I never know when it will happen. You might say I should let it happen. But not just anywhere. I’m not ready to cry continually.

She also gave me homework. I had to write a list of people for whom I held grievances. Actually, I had to write it twice so that we both had a copy. Her end of the bargain: she prays over this list and me three times a day. I’ll talk about my end of the deal tomorrow.

And David said, “The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.” And Saul said to David, “Go, and the Lord be with you!”

1 Samuel 17:37 (ESV)

My lion – anger – Lord help me defeat it.