"One Thing"

1.     In no more than one or two sentences, what is the “One Thing” you want to pursue with all your strength and life?

Stuttering uuuuuuhhhhhhhmmmm… I definitely do not do well with only “One Thing.” And I will call it as I see it – cheating – when I claim that the “One Thing” I want to pursue is KNOWLEDGE.

What are you doing to pursue this one thing? 

I have stuck my fingers into a little bit of everything. I read; I write; I practice piano; I chase the idea of playing the organ; I learn new art forms as I get the opportunity. But in the end I am scattered and I do not know what the “One Thing” is. I know that if I concentrated and practiced “One Thing,” I could accomplish much, but I do not know which to choose. And I let other people’s ideas influence me. One person thinks I should write. One person thinks I should play. One person thinks I already do too much and shouldn’t add more. And I think that I like to do a lot of things. So I think this is a trick question. And I can form a trick answer. And an appropriate one. Something along the lines of, “The ‘One Thing’ I choose to pursue with all of my strength and life is to use and amplify by God given gifts and talents to praise Him and lead others to know His Son, Jesus Christ.” Hah! Okay, ready for a scolding.

2.    Tell about a time God encountered you and confronted you as you studied his Word. 

This happened recently … I was reading a book of Christian non-fiction. At the end of a chapter, there was this Bible verse:

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or
terrified because the Lord your God goes with
you; he will never leave you or forsake you- 
DEUTERONOMY 31:6

What was unusual was simultaneously I “heard”:

“but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.”
MATTHEW 18:6

And I can say with conviction that I felt it to be a God encounter. I just wasn’t sure exactly what to do with it. I attempted to hold myself accountable by sharing it with a few trusted Christian friends and I do not think any of us knew exactly what to do with it.

How did this experience impact your life?

I cannot say that anything really changed. Perhaps I stopped fighting against what was being asked of me and threw myself into doing my best with what I had to work with. And maybe I realized that I had more support than I thought I did. And I might have felt more needed or wanted in what I was doing. And even now, reading the second verse, I am more comfortable with it.

To explain, I lead children weekly and sometimes more. And I was feeling, being a sinner, that I wasn’t a good role-model. Of course, then none of us should be doing it. I’m oversimplifying. Anyway, the first verse gave me courage to present my predicament and I was reassured. I was scared to “step down.” But I didn’t want to be a problem or disappoint anyone. In the end, I realized that I didn’t want to stop doing what I was doing. In fact, I’d like to do more of it … One of my friends had pointed to another book that talked about when one is denied the chance to do something, and the person discovers how much they love and enjoy it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. For me, merely considering stopping, made my heart ache.

I’m done rambling … but it’s nice to have my computer back.

Train up a child in the way he should go;
even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6 (ESV)

Deadly Feelings

Take time in the coming week and memorize one of the following passages: 

·       Hebrews 4:12-13

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

·       2 Timothy 3:16-17 

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.

·       Psalm 119:105

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

Hmmmm, I wonder which one I’ll memorize … Fine. I already know the 3rd one. I can rattle off the 2nd in a different version with little difficulty. And I love a challenge. Number 1 it is. I will fall over dead if anyone asks me to recite for them …

Take time to read John's examples of “deadly feelings” on pages 179 and 180. What are some similar feelings you deal with and what does God's Word have to say about these kinds of attitudes and hidden thoughts?

In my last blog, I talked about letting the Devil have free-reign with my thoughts concerning self-worth. These are my most prominent “deadly feelings”. Someone says that they will do something for me; someone says that they will get back to me; someone says they will include me; someone says that will meet me for lunch even; and I almost immediately start betting in my head over the chances that the person will actually follow through.

I tell myself that I am forgettable, invisible, ignorable, a pest, a bother, a desperate and needy person. I tell myself that I have nothing to offer the situation or event. I tell myself that someone else can do it better. I tell myself that people just don’t want me around. I tell myself that people think I’m nuts, or wrong, or old-fashioned – old-school. I tell myself that I’m replaceable. I am not good enough. I can’t do anything right.

But God tells me that He loved me so much that He sent His Son to die for me and bring me back to His warm embrace. God tells me that I am more important than the sparrows and not one falls that He is not aware of. God tells me that He knows me intimately – every hair on my head is numbered. He knew me before I was in the womb. He has my blueprint. My blueprint sculpted by God and planned with purpose, in His image. God tells me that I am worthy and unique.

What passages in the Bible might you meditate on to counteract these feelings?

·       John 3:16

·       Matthew 10:29-31

·       Jeremiah 1:5

·       Genesis 1:27

·       Jeremiah 29:11

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.”
Isaiah 43:1 (ESV)

And my eyes jumped forward to see:

Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and I love you …
Isaiah 43:4a (ESV)

Living the Word and not just reading it.

2 Timothy 3:16-17 

1.     What are some of the specific kinds of work God can do in our lives through study of his Word, and how have you experienced one of these in the past month? 

God’s Word can be used for every situation, specifically teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness. I’m sorry. My heart is not into this. If you read the Bible, but you ignore it. You don’t put it into practice, why bother. I said before during confession. It would be much easier if everyone did it. When you’re surrounded by Christians who do not put what they read into practice, it makes it that much more difficult to do it yourself. People proclaiming God’s Word, talking about it, studying it, but not living it. And it’s politically correct to say you’re doing the best you can. We are all sinful.

What I want to experience is training. I just don’t know where to get it. Who to do it with. Where to go. I’m so alone.

2.    Why are a repentant spirit and a soft heart essential when we read the Scriptures? 

You have to be open to the fact that the Bible is talking to YOU. We so easily see where it is talking to this person or that person or any other sinner, but not us. We have to acknowledge that what we are reading is meant for us in that time and in that moment and every verse will have something new for YOU to find and absorb and practice. And we don’t need to hoard what we’ve learned for sharing with others that we feel can learn from it as well. This can be one of those secret things. It is a love story from God to you. You cannot be hard-hearted for that!

What are some of the dangers when a person reads the Bible simply to accumulate knowledge? 

They hoard the knowledge to be useful elsewhere. They keep it on little note cards in their back pocket to be used at a later time. An appropriate time. And what’s the point of reading it if you don’t intend to use it. You don’t read a manual on how to fix a car and then not attempt to fix it. You don’t read a book on how to change your diet and then continue to eat as always. You should read the Bible and put it into practice. The knowledge is useless to you otherwise.

3.    What is one passage in the Bible that has sunk deep into your heart and how has this portion of Scripture brought transformation to your life?

I’m empty. I don’t have this. I’ve been doing it all wrong if at all. I choose to be offended by some of what I read. I wish I had a lovely story about the verse that changed my life. I don’t have one right now.

I guess there is a part of me that embraces an idea that I can no longer find. Or maybe it’s not even in the Bible. Or maybe it’s an idea that takes several stories into account. God made use out of Moses. Jesus made use out of 12 ordinary men. I guess I find hope in the idea that God can make use out of me. He has gifted me in a way that I can serve in various places. And I’m aware that He can use me in areas that I’m not even gifted in if I trust Him and follow Him. It is in your weaknesses, not in your strengths that God shines.

But he said to me, 
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, 
so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV)

It’s that second part that needs to be drummed into my head.

Be Still

Romans 7:14-20

1.      Describe the condition of the apostle Paul’s heart in this passage.

I would say that it is as confused as mine. I know what I ought to do and yet I do not do it. I know that what I do is wrong and yet I do it. I understand that if I do what is right, I will be rewarded in Heaven and yet I still do not do it. I choose to do wrong. Mostly I do wrong without even thinking about it. The majority of the time I am doing wrong and not even realizing it. And to think that I cannot even hope to do right without God's spirit within me aiding me. I cannot even love without His support.

Describe a time you felt the way Paul feels in this passage.

In the last few weeks. Okay, the last few months. Fine, the last couple of years, I have let the Devil have free reign with my thoughts regarding my worth. Some would call it Depression. Others would call it Life. I am not completely ignorant of what is going on. I've been taught better. But the battle has been hard fought and I'm exhausted and finding it simpler to just give in. Give me two seconds and I can be in tears. I've come to expect rejection. And I'm simply not fighting very hard anymore. I'm just taking it. I barely have the energy to do what I want even if it is good. And to read that I cannot have Faith, Hope or Love without the Spirit being within me, at least consoles me that the Spirit is present for I have moments. I am unspiritual. I am a slave to sin.

2.     When defining multiplicity, John gives three examples: “We desire both intimacy with God and we flee from it. We long to be generous, but we also hoard and covet. We sometimes attempt to be servants and sometimes are driven by arrogance and self-serving.” What are some other areas of multiplicity followers of Christ can face?

We strive to be Christ-like and we hate those who are different from us. We want to be helpful and we want others watching. We wish to give abundantly, but at the expense of our families. We wish to be generous and recognized for it. We serve others but only if we can do it on our own terms. We are connected to people in a variety of ways, but don't actually interact in a positive way with any of them. We go to church but live in the world. We want to help, but pay to have others do the heavy work.

3.     Tell about a time when you experienced a spiritual washing as you studied God’s Word. How did God bring cleansing and refreshment to your life through his Word?

Not remembering a time where I felt cleansed or renewed. I was at a prayer vigil once and heard the song "Be Still" and that spoke to me. Of course it took a while to figure it out and find it. Wordless music. And I don't think I immediately identified it as a verse from Scripture. And I tried to Be Still. But I'm just not that good at it. I'm a failure.

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin.  I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. Romans 7:14-20 (NIV)

FDA Standards

1.      Read the FDA regulations for food purity at the beginning of this chapter. How do you feel when you realize that these are the real standards for the food you buy at the local grocery store? 

I've read these standards before and so they're not surprising. I guess I just choose not to think about them. What concerns me is who is counting how many flies' heads are in each package of what not. OR does the FDA have agents who randomly appear to take a sample. If the sample fails, is everything pulled? If that sample passes, do they take another? And another? Best two out of three? And how many maggots have you actually found in your food? Really. How old are these standards? How often do they get revisited? How much of the taxpayers money is being used to guarantee the safety of our food? How much are we paying for a system and are people really doing their jobs? Oh. I suppose I do care.

If there was an organization like the FDA that established national standards for moral and spiritual purity, what might these standards look like?

Forget what the standards look like. Who founded the organization? Who pays for the organization? And how do you get a job there? I'm imagining a system like the Supreme Court where the President tries to fill the seats with like-minded people during his term of office. And seriously. Some of the laws that are still in the books particularly in the South that are largely ignored by everyone. And of course, the people setting the standards and enforcing the standards are probably the very people who are ignoring them!

Sorry. How about a lovely 3 strikes you're out. Get caught once – warning. Get caught twice – slap on the hand. Get caught thrice – you're in the slammer. If you're a celebrity, you're expected to do it …

I imagine the Ten Commandments is a good starting point. Or perhaps the Golden Rule, being more prolific across cultures and religions, would have greater support. Of course there would be the legal arguments. "Well, I wouldn't mind if he hit me. I deserved it. You probably deserved it too."

2.     John writes about the movie City Slickers and the message that life should be centered on “One Thing.” When you look around you, what are some examples of the “One Thing” people seem to be seeking? 

When I look around me, people seem to be seeking the following: money, success, beauty, attention, love, security, a good book, a purpose, youth, a seat in the lifeboat, a fix, a miracle, happiness, a reason to live. But mostly a good book.

Why is it deeply important that we pick the right “One Thing”?

In the last chapter, I talked about focus. If you are a people pleaser, on a given day, you might choose to focus on over a dozen different "One Things." Truth is, since most people haven't found their "One Thing," they have multiple focuses as well which just splinters yours. Any of these Things might make the person you wish to please happy, but they might not have anything to do with you.

To find your purpose, you have to pick a "One Thing" that will make you happy, that will bring you joy, that will fulfill you. And it just might be easier for you to find than for others to see. Others have pre-impressions of you, but chances are that you are hiding your true self from those around you. Even those who are closest to you.

It is important to find your "One Thing" so that everything you do is a step in the right direction. Is a step towards your purpose. A step closer to being the individual God made you to be. It would be far better if your "One Thing" also happened to be in line with God's Greater Purpose.

Yesterday, I was blessed to see the Children's Christmas Service unfold like magic before me. I could not stop smiling. I couldn't see how anyone could not smile. They were marvelous. Brilliant. Lovely. Angelic. Ours. I smiled for nearly 24 hours straight. That's the kind of "One Thing" I want to be a part of. The kind where you work your tail off. You make sacrifices. You worry. You cannot sleep. You pray strong prayers. And in the end, it is all worth it. You can feel the mutual joy, passion, desire and you crave more.

I've been calling it Return on Investment. If you give it your all and all you feel for it is sadness, anxiety, loss, disappointment, frustration. When you aren't left smiling after putting yourself into it 125%, then it's not worth it.

But can you walk away … Can you walk away from that to something that could be infinitely better …

Everyone who has left houses or families or fields because of me will receive 100 times as much. They will also receive eternal life. But many who are first will be last. And many who are last will be first.
Matthew 19:28-30 (NIV)

The Practice of Reflection on Scripture

Wow! I read this chapter earlier this week. I don’t even remember when. I was experiencing FREEDOM.

When the roads decided to be ice and snow-covered, and the winds decided to blow faster, I decided to skip the running at least for a while. I have it on good authority that I will be getting some very nice cold weather running gear for Christmas. GOODY. only slightly sarcastic. very slightly.

But I still set my alarm to get up early so that I could read and write. And I have snoozed every single day. That does not mean that I am anymore well-rested. How easily we fall back into bad habits.

What I HAVE learned is that I can be flexible in my schedule. All week, I have been flexible. And I have let go of the things that are not required in order to do some things that might be mentally healthy.

I read my chapter in the LSA parking lot at 2:30 p.m. rather than at 5:30 a.m. and I didn’t keel over dead! Remarkable. And I haven’t written about it until today and I’m still standing. Wowee wow wow. In fact, most of my days have been topsy turvy. I’ve gotten things done that were required and let other things that were not so important fall by the wayside. And I’m only a bit flustered and or snarky about it.

What have I gained? This book … well, I was hoping for a bit of transformation. It’s not really happening. I’m no better or worse for reading it, but I don’t think I’ve found anything close to the “Life [I’ve} Always Wanted”. If anything, I’m probably thinking about myself a little more than I should. I’m focusing upon myself a lot more.

Right there in the title is the word YOU. The second word in fact. This is a self-help book. DUH. Of course it is. It’s kind of like a horoscope, in that you read it and so identify with it that it’s kind of magical. The author knows you sooooo well. He just knows himself soooo well. And we all happen to be a lot alike. We LOVE ourselves. We LOVE to talk about ourselves. We LOVE to listen to ourselves. We LOVE to hear about ourselves. We LOVE to see ourselves. We just don’t want anyone else to know about it. Don’t worry. Anyone and everyone else are so concerned with themselves that they’re not paying any attention to you!

So what am I going to do about it? I’m going to finish the book. I’m going to finish the Study Guide blog. I’m not going to punish myself over it. And the holidays will soon be over and maybe I can find an alternative for transformation. And I have a feeling, it’s all about JESUS! If I cannot get anything else right, Jesus is still waiting for me at the end of the day, with open arms. That’s how He conquers us. He loves us even when we hate ourselves …

For everyone who asks receives,
and the one who seeks finds,
and to the one who knocks it will be opened.
Matthew 7:8 (ESV)

Showing Off

1.     John gives some wonderful ideas for secret service such as immersing a person in prayer but telling no one, making a lavish donation in complete secret, and cleaning a neighbor’s yard when they are away and leaving no trace it was you. What are some other secret service project ideas?

Right now, I need to try a different tactic. This may be an opportunity where thinking about me would be useful. You know, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” Golden Rule thinking.

I’m exhausted. I’ve overworked and rarely paid. What would I relish? If I go down to the washer, and there is a load of wash, I could move it to the dryer so I can start another load. Aha! There’s a load in the dryer. Perhaps I could fold it – and unbelievable – put it away! Wow! I should do that!

The countertop is dirty. I could wash it. Drawers and doors are open. I could close them.

Oh, pardon me. That’s not what this exercise is about?

Let me try again. How about pay for the person behind you in line in a drive through. You’re already gone before they realize what you have done. Pick up the trash in someone else’s yard on your daily walk before everyone else is awake. Pass on a good word about someone. Leave a gift for them. Clean the snow off of someone else’s car in the parking lot. Leave $10 in a book for the next person to find. I have a friend who found a $100 in a Gideon’s Bible at a hotel.

Ok, starting to thaw out. Starting to loosen up.

When you close your eyes and imagine a jury box filled with the people who you want to please and impress, who is in the jury box and why do you want to please them?

Family and friends. Immediate co-workers. Members of the church. Children. Everyone? People I come into contact with on a regular basis?

I want to please them so that they will be happy. If they are happy, they won’t be mad. If they’re not mad, there will be no anger directed at me. Everyone will get along. I just want everyone to have a good day. I want everyone to smile. I want everyone to be alive. Warm and breathing … And I certainly do not want to be the one to displease anyone. They might say something bad about me. True or untrue. Does it even matter? I need all the good I can get …

What will your life look like if you live for these people rather than for Jesus?

If I live for these people, my life will look/be unfocussed. They each of different directions and goals (not ideally). If I’m pleasing person A, it is because I am doing something to advance his agenda. If I’m also pleasing person B, then I am advancing her agenda as well. They might not have compatible agendas. I cannot function that way! And what if they’re just doing things to please me? Then we are working at cross-purposes. I might be working towards 100s of purposes, none of which are in line with God’s.

Read the section by Mark Twain on page 165. What are some of the ways we are prone to show off and try to impress others?

How do I like to show off … How much I do? How much I sacrifice myself? How much attention I can get? How much I can get my way? How much I don’t care what others think. How much I’m different? How much I can read? How much I can remember? How much I can learn? I quickly I can move? How efficient I can be? How creative I can be? How humble I can be? How much my family comes first? How close my family is? How selfless I am? How modest I am?

How can this showing off become a hazard to our spiritual health?

It’s pretty obvious. It’s all about me. Me. Me. Me. I just finished reading a book this evening and the last three words were, “Me, Me, Me.”

Spiritual health is not about me. It’s about a relationship with God. It’s about a relationship with Jesus. It’s about becoming more like Him. And He is SELFLESS.

Showing off focuses everything upon ourselves. Pride. Which equals Satan.

We are created to reflect God. We were made in His Image! Those who look upon us should be directed to He who would save us.

Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time,
before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden
in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart.
Then each one will receive his commendation from God.
1 Corinthians 4:5 (ESV)

Disappearing

Matthew 6:1-6, 16-18

1.     What is Jesus trying to teach us about secrecy in our faith?

Jesus repeats each time, whether we give to the needy, pray to our Father or fast, the only one who needs to know is our Father. And he sees, hears, and knows everything. What we do is not meant for show. And it is not even entirely for the one(s) we do it for. It can be primarily for our own hearts, souls, and minds. Secrecy does not mean that no one knows. Secrecy is kind of like a private conversation between us and God. It is not to be shared with anyone else.

What are some other areas of our spiritual lives (besides praying, giving, and fasting) that this same lesson should impact?

Serving. Although it is very hard to get away with it. Someone has to know to ask for your service. And somehow they have to know that the task is being completed. Ideally trust would come into play and it would be like magic. We just don’t live like that in today’s world. Micromanagement. You have to cover yourself. It’s more like an unpaid job than voluntary service. But beyond that, if you can just keep your big mouth shut! HAH!

Personal devotions might be the same way. When we tell someone we’re doing it, what is our reasoning? Is it necessary to let everyone know we’re reading our Bible?

Anything we do … is it necessary for everyone to know we’re doing it? What is the purpose behind tweeting our status? To get attention? Can we have a day without everyone knowing our every single step?

2.  What do we lose as soon as we begin to announce or flaunt our acts of service and our spiritual accomplishments?

We lose our focus. Our focus should be on God and once we flaunt our acts … focus is upon us.

What are some of the rewards and blessings when we are able to maintain secrecy in our acts of service?

We become a part of God’s bigger purpose rather than being the Sun of our own little cosmos. When more people are able to act in secrecy, we become a part of God’s Big Picture Plan. This at last gives us the connections so many of us want, need and crave. Otherwise we are mini galaxies colliding with each other, but never working together. We float right through each other, but never create anything new or better or different. We all leave the same as we arrived. Working as a part of God’s creation, we transform into what we were actually created to be.

If we can be a bunch of mothers or teachers or stagehands making everything happen behind the scenes, but leaving the praise for the children or rather JESUS. All of us working behind the scenes feel a sense of camaraderie. We get to appreciate the result of all of the hard work. But we know that we’re not the ones being watched. The audience is there to see something infinitely more precious. And we get to stand back and watch too.

And I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and
under the earth and in the sea, and all that is in them, saying,
“To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb
be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!”
And the four living creatures said, “Amen!”
 and the elders fell down and worshiped.
Revelation 5:13-14 (ESV)

Measuring My Worth

1.   John writes about our human tendency to “confuse our performance in some aspect of life with our worth as a person.” What are some of the most common areas of life that people tend to use as a measure of their personal worth?

Ouch. On the nose. If I do a good job, I am worthy. If I fail, I am a failure. If I fail small, I am a big failure. If I miss one thing, I might as well have missed them all. I might have heard 24 glorious things, but if someone looks at me sternly, the 24 glorious things fly out the window. And guess what. The stern look wasn't even directed at me, I just got in between the look and its intended target.

We measure our personal worth by our families both immediate and extended. We measure our worth by the behavior of our children, the success of our spouse, the love of a mother. We measure our worth by the job that we have and the appreciation we receive for doing it. We measure our worth by the size of our paycheck too. We measure our worth by the amount of attention we get as well as by the reception we receive when we enter a room. I measure my worth by weather or not someone is willing to carry on a conversation with me or even make eye contact.

What areas of performance are you most tempted to use as a measure of your worth and what are you doing to fight this tendency?

Not just tempted, but do use on a regular basis. If I offer and I'm not taken up on it, I count myself as unworthy. If I'm not asked, I count myself as unworthy. If I say "good morning" and receive no response, I am unworthy. If I ask a question and it is not answered, I am unworthy, invisible, forgettable. I withdraw. Why bother trying. I'm just proven correct of course, 'cause if I don't initiate, nothing will happen. What's wrong with me?

Whoa! Sorry. Got carried away. What do I do to fight this? I attempt to be sincere, "real", truthful. If I want to talk to someone, I do. If I feel a nudge, I try to follow it. If nothing else, I feel better about it. And sometimes I just ponder the idea longer. Sometimes the need/necessity diminishes and I haven't put myself out on a limb. Don't rush into action. Or react rashly. Just continue to be me. Don't change me to please others. It's not about me. And usually it has nothing to do with me anyway.

2.  Read the quote by John Quincy Adams on pages 163-64 (and the list of his personal accomplishments that follows the quote). Tell about a time you have dealt with similar feelings about you own value and accomplishments in life.

It was over a year ago, I believe. And I saved them to prove it. I was feeling very worthless and invisible and depressed and "not needed". I started writing a little "column" shall we say to lift myself up. It went a little something like this. I'd start with a quote from someone that I admired or looked up to. A quote about me. For instance someone said, "she is so sweet, we should go help her." And then I'd write about why I was feeling so horribly about myself and then prove that I shouldn't because obviously I mean something to someone. I wrote them everyday until I felt sane again. Maybe I should go and reread them.

What does God have to say to us about these kinds of feelings?

Well, God tells me/us that these things are untrue. They are the Devil's words. He loves to attack us where it hurts most. At the heart. And there is only one place where we need to find our worth and that is in Him. He knows us better than anyone else. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He finds us worthy because He made us and we are His. And He would do anything to get us back including sacrificing His very own and perfect Son. So when others belittle us, and more importantly, when we belittle ourselves, we are not appreciating God's heavenly work. His very creation. That which He loves more than we can comprehend. How sad that must make Him when we cannot understand our own worth.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Psalm 139:13-14 (NIV)

Learning to Forget Oneself

1.      Read the quote by Henri Nouwen on page 158. What are some of the signs that one of the following people might be struggling with “approval addiction”?

a.     A child

A child who always looks to a parent before making a choice; who lets the parent make the choices; who asks before doing anything; who shows a grownup every little thing that she does; who will read a book even if it does not interest her; who will make choices based upon what will make her parents happy.

b.     A teen

A teen who goes out of his way to fit in with the crowd; who chooses to tag along even as a mascot to the group; who joins in activities that don’t actually appeal to him; who tries to follow in a parent’s footsteps; who tries to excel in what his father excelled in; who becomes the teacher’s pet if his peers won’t accept him.

c.      An adult

An adult who takes a vote among her peers before making any decision; who seeks confirmation before doing anything;  who is more concerned with keeping everyone happy around her even if she is miserable; who will say “yes” to anything just for the chance to do something for another; who makes herself available for anything at anytime.

1 Corinthians 4:3-5 & Galatians 1:10

2.     How might your life change if you had the same attitude as the apostle Paul when it comes to being judged and criticized by other people?

I would not be at the mercy of the winds and the waves. I kid you not. I try to explain this and people don’t believe me. I thought this would be more prevalent … I would have thought I wouldn’t be alone in this.

I could be a having a perfectly productive, brilliant day. I am chugging along, thinking I’m doing a beneficial thing. Then someone frowns at me. All of a sudden, life is not worth living. What did I do? What did they discover? Why don’t they like me?

I used to combat this with a smile. I just tricked everyone else into smiling. I smile first, they have to smile back. It is contagious - few can resist. I made it my research project.

If you follow this blog at all, you might remember that I mentioned that someone took my smile away. They discredited it. They said it couldn’t always be real. That it was okay not to smile. It was okay to be sad.

If I suffered from an ounce of paranoia before, now I have it in gallons.

Of course, all this means is that I live like it is all about me. That I am the sun and you are the planets. Okay, honesty – I am the super, mega galaxy and you are my stars. And if you don’t agree, well black hole. But if you support me – supernova! (hmmm, I like this. Astronomy was always one of my things …)

Anyway, if I could live like other people’s opinions didn’t matter to me? WOW! It might be like receiving a keel. And having my rudder returned. And really that is freedom right there. Then I just have to add Jesus into the equation. Do it for Him. There’s always a catch ;)

Why is it so hard to maintain this kind of attitude day in and day out?

For me … I get side-tracked so easily. I have knee-jerk responses. I’m not prepared. I’m missing my armor … And little things can throw me for a loop. I handle big things well though.

You know, what's best … when you get the wind knocked out of you and you can no longer think about yourself, and can only dwell on damage control. Auto-pilot is on. And auto-pilot cannot worry about what everyone else is thinking.

“In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33b (NIV)

A Life of Freedom

At last, another chapter written for me. A chapter I can understand. A chapter I should read daily.  This chapter should be a book. I think it is. I am pretty sure I have read it. Yes, Approval Addiction: Overcoming the Need to Please Everyone by Joyce Meyer. But it still doesn’t help.

How did I go from “A Life of Freedom” and “The Practice of Secrecy” to “Approval Addiction”? Ask the author. It is the route he took. I am to train towards a freedom from caring what others think. God is the only one who matters. How do I work towards this? I serve in secret.

I’ve come to the point in this book where I am stuck in a conundrum. If I think much more, I will lose my sanity. Everything is connected and rightly so. This particular discipline could easily be placed next to the discipline of humility. In fact, I wish they would have been closer together.

I live on an extreme continuum. At any given moment I might feel, “Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. I think I’ll go eat worms.” And in the next instant I want to be, “The Biggest Thing in the Ocean.” How can we live like this? The truth is I am not the only one who feels this way. We are living in a fallen state.

Here I am, reading a book that calls it what it is and leaves no room for excuses. It gives guidance for living a better life. And I am overwhelmed. I read a chapter in the morning; I set off with good intentions and am a failure by 10am. I am not dealing with the hard stuff either.

I get it in my mind that I should just pick a few disciplines to focus upon. I am gonna pick favorites too, of course. I want to train for JOY. I want to focus on SLOWING DOWN. I want to keep my ears open for the SPIRIT’S NUDGING. I am willing to keep HUMILITY in the fore front of my mind. And I really think that needs to go hand in hand with practicing SECRECY.

Boy, that list is long. I think I picked all but two of the disciplines I’ve studied so far. I am really just choosing to ignore the toughies for me as an individual. Three is a good number. God loves the number three. I need HUMILITY and SECRECY to balance each other out. I pick JOY because I want to be joyful always. I don’t want to be moody and tearful and helpless and hopeless.

Hell. How about one – just one? Can I pick just one? My mental health is important. How can I choose? Hey! I know! Can you choose for me? Downward spiral … writing my own Bell Jar in my head. And I’m currently in a normal state of mind …

I think my problem here is that I am not meant to take on these tasks alone. I am supposed to be working with a group of like-minded people. This is a journey better taken together with support and accountability. I need a group of people who hold each other up and lift each other up. I need a group of people I can count on to pull me out of the bad places and restore my focus on the Holy One.

‘Cause in the end, this is only a book. It may be a good book. It may be a necessary book. But it is not THE book. And it may not be a book that can lead me to a closer relationship with Jesus. In fact, it might be obstructing me. It is very good at pointing out my flaws. And I am pretty much already well aware of those. I am “an intelligent woman”.

This book is turning me inward entirely too much. And I can do that on my own. I need to focus outward which may be the book’s intent, but it is not working for me … it’s not a book I need. It’s Jesus I need … OUCH said the librarian.

You know … the only reason I read so many books is because it helps me for my job … I finally realized about a year and a half ago, that if I didn’t work in the children’s department, I wouldn’t “have” to read them all. And wouldn’t that be refreshing? To do something else? Yes, I said that out loud. Kept it to myself for a LONG time.

And am now drinking my coffee black. YIKES!

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

Inattentive

What are some of the things that get in the way of you being attentive to God?

My wondering mind. My distracted mind. My temper tantrum nature. My “I’m the most impressive thing in the room” nature. My desire to be noticed. My desire to be seen. My desire to be appreciated. My insecurities. My fear. My distrustful nature. My unwillingness to take risks. My uncertainties. My perfectionism followed by my inability to be perfect. My relationship with this world. My discontent. My dissatisfaction. My hedonism. My busyness.

What can you do to remove some of these roadblocks in the coming week?

Seriously? (Note to self: read all questions first and then answer.) Prayer, Prayer, Prayer. Praise, Praise, Praise. Serve, Serve, Serve. Rinse and Repeat as necessary.

1.     Why are so many followers of Christ cautious about speaking of God actually leading them or giving them promotions in life?

I am so suspicious of others who claim such things. I guess I am jealous of the relationship with God that others have. My suspicion discounts their truth?

I am afraid of my manipulative character. Am I using this tactic for my personal gain? Or am I using it because it is true. Is it true? Do I try to make it true by adding that God is leading me?

What if someone else disagrees with you? Who is right? Isn’t it easier to keep silent.

If I am not cautious, but others are, does it even make a difference.

2.    What  practices, habits, or disciplines have you learned that have helped you grow in attentiveness to God?

I have made a habit in the last two years of reading Christian non-fiction. I have not dug as deep as I am currently digging with this particular book. I would read a chapter every day and it stayed with me so much more than anything else. I looked forward to that chapter. Sometimes I had to check myself from moving forward. But it has kept God much more to the forefront of my mind that He would have been otherwise.

I have been serving the church in the last seven, seven? years. And I have increased my responsibilities as it were a little more every year. I have dropped a few as they have not brought me joy. And there are still other things I would like to try. But this certainly keeps me closer to God.

As a youth, I was always at church. I loved to be there. I miss that school and church are no longer as connected. But I love that now I have good reasons to be there and am not questioned when I am. There’s nothing like a quiet, dark sanctuary to provide the mystery of God’s Presence.

And it just came to me. The running. I’ve been running in the early hours of the morning since last April and I have seen God in the Heavens and the Wildlife and the brisk, take-your-breath-away wind. It’s the most alone and separate from the world that I can feel today and yet as safe as can be with God. That’s when I feel Him watching me.

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that you care for him?
Psalm 8:3 (ESV)

Send me PLEASE?

1 Samuel 3:1-10

1.      Tell about a time when God was speaking to you and trying to get your attention, but it took a long time for you to tune in and realize God was seeking to move you.

It's very hard to talk about this because I still don't have the answer. And to even put it out there … I'm a librarian. I have my Masters in Library and Information Science. So I tend to think of myself as a librarian and nothing else. But that is not true. Librarianship is just a career that makes use of my many gifts and talents and so it is a good fit. It is just not the only possible fit and I need to see outside of that.

I had been lamenting the fact that the church didn't have a library and didn't need a librarian because I would LOVE that. LOVE that! I just assumed that because I didn't have lovely DCE degree, or wasn't a man so I couldn't preach, that I was simply out of luck. NO, I don't want to go back to school. Or maybe I do, but don't see it as a possibility.

Through various ways, God was trying to show me that there were plenty of opportunities for me to work for the His church. He was calling me. He was asking me what I was willing to give up to serve Him. I answered Him, but I still do not have a handle on the big picture. When there are so many things you're willing to do and want to do and perhaps need to do. I just have to find the place where I can do them …

What finally got your attention and helped you recognize that God was speaking to you?

The baseball bat. He had been putting things in front of me all along. I was just laughing at them as ridiculous and impossible. When I finally decided it might make perfect sense … well, I think it was too late.

2.     John tells the story of how God spoke to him on a number of occasions through a dear woman named Lorraine. Tell about a time you heard God speak to you through the words of another person.

I wish people wouldn't say things unless they meant it. That's not fair. People say a lot of things, but since they aren't things you can actually act on, they're better off left unsaid?

For instance, somebody told me, "Don't be offended, please, but I think you missed your calling. You should have been an actress." What is one supposed to do with that? I just took it as a compliment that I was doing a good job at what I had been doing when it was said. I also told myself that it was a good thing I hadn't followed a dream to Hollywood. Who knows who I would most resemble now … Lindsay Lohan? No, that was never a dream of mine. And not that there aren't a lot of opportunities for acting locally. Just not something I ever considered.

I have people telling me that I should write. As if it is that easy … And what all would I give up in order to do that. And will I be okay if nothing ever gets published? Will I not regret my time spent writing something that never gets beyond me?

Is God speaking through these people? Everyone seems to have a theory about what I should be doing. Except for me. I'm unfulfilled and lost.

How did you respond to this leading or prompting?

I don't. Or it is half-@$$ed. I don't put my whole self into it. Which must not please God very much. He doesn't care what I choose to do as long as I do it. So I choose to let other people choose for me whether it brings me joy or not.

I previously posted as my status that I do not like to be micromanaged. That must be a lie. Tell me what you think I should do and I'll try it out. I don't dare ask to do what I really want to do. You might say no and break my heart again. And there are so many things that I would like to do … I'm just too scared to admit it … 'cause you might say "no" again.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying,
“Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”
And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”
Isaiah 6:8 (NIV)