A Life of Freedom

At last, another chapter written for me. A chapter I can understand. A chapter I should read daily.  This chapter should be a book. I think it is. I am pretty sure I have read it. Yes, Approval Addiction: Overcoming the Need to Please Everyone by Joyce Meyer. But it still doesn’t help.

How did I go from “A Life of Freedom” and “The Practice of Secrecy” to “Approval Addiction”? Ask the author. It is the route he took. I am to train towards a freedom from caring what others think. God is the only one who matters. How do I work towards this? I serve in secret.

I’ve come to the point in this book where I am stuck in a conundrum. If I think much more, I will lose my sanity. Everything is connected and rightly so. This particular discipline could easily be placed next to the discipline of humility. In fact, I wish they would have been closer together.

I live on an extreme continuum. At any given moment I might feel, “Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. I think I’ll go eat worms.” And in the next instant I want to be, “The Biggest Thing in the Ocean.” How can we live like this? The truth is I am not the only one who feels this way. We are living in a fallen state.

Here I am, reading a book that calls it what it is and leaves no room for excuses. It gives guidance for living a better life. And I am overwhelmed. I read a chapter in the morning; I set off with good intentions and am a failure by 10am. I am not dealing with the hard stuff either.

I get it in my mind that I should just pick a few disciplines to focus upon. I am gonna pick favorites too, of course. I want to train for JOY. I want to focus on SLOWING DOWN. I want to keep my ears open for the SPIRIT’S NUDGING. I am willing to keep HUMILITY in the fore front of my mind. And I really think that needs to go hand in hand with practicing SECRECY.

Boy, that list is long. I think I picked all but two of the disciplines I’ve studied so far. I am really just choosing to ignore the toughies for me as an individual. Three is a good number. God loves the number three. I need HUMILITY and SECRECY to balance each other out. I pick JOY because I want to be joyful always. I don’t want to be moody and tearful and helpless and hopeless.

Hell. How about one – just one? Can I pick just one? My mental health is important. How can I choose? Hey! I know! Can you choose for me? Downward spiral … writing my own Bell Jar in my head. And I’m currently in a normal state of mind …

I think my problem here is that I am not meant to take on these tasks alone. I am supposed to be working with a group of like-minded people. This is a journey better taken together with support and accountability. I need a group of people who hold each other up and lift each other up. I need a group of people I can count on to pull me out of the bad places and restore my focus on the Holy One.

‘Cause in the end, this is only a book. It may be a good book. It may be a necessary book. But it is not THE book. And it may not be a book that can lead me to a closer relationship with Jesus. In fact, it might be obstructing me. It is very good at pointing out my flaws. And I am pretty much already well aware of those. I am “an intelligent woman”.

This book is turning me inward entirely too much. And I can do that on my own. I need to focus outward which may be the book’s intent, but it is not working for me … it’s not a book I need. It’s Jesus I need … OUCH said the librarian.

You know … the only reason I read so many books is because it helps me for my job … I finally realized about a year and a half ago, that if I didn’t work in the children’s department, I wouldn’t “have” to read them all. And wouldn’t that be refreshing? To do something else? Yes, I said that out loud. Kept it to myself for a LONG time.

And am now drinking my coffee black. YIKES!

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)