The Guided Life

It was sometime within the last year that I came to the realization that every good thought or deed I had was driven by God. Every bad thought or deed was driven by Satan. But I never put it into words as one coherent thought.

Some people will or can say, “God told me to tell you this.” And I am not the only one who takes this statement with more than an ounce of suspicion. I don’t know what form God tells them. A dream. A vision. It is not for me to know.

Other people can impart words of wisdom and upon hearing them, you get a sense that you have been blessed. More and more I can recognize these as God’s words to me through someone. It happened last night at work in fact.

I directed someone to the section of books where they would find their answer, but was unable to point to the book, chapter, and page that they needed. I left them to sift through the books while I returned to my computer to dig deeper.

I still had not found the answer … the patron returned with the right book in hand proclaiming that I was slow, he’d already found it! He was teasing of course, but I took it to heart – I felt that I had failed in my job. Immediately, he corrected my thinking. I had gotten them closer to their end point than they could have on their own. Sometimes you just have to put people in the proper position.

I replied that I wish he could in turn put me in the proper position. He, off the cuff, stated that sometimes it is the little things that are important. Blew my head right off I tell you. Sometimes it IS the little things. Everything cannot be grand. Jesus was found in a manger.

I do not like to be the person who says, “God told me this.” Yet sometimes I say or think things that I know are not from me. And I desire to inform the listener that it’s not me … is this to distance myself from something foreign? Is this to add weight to what I am saying because I am worried that it won’t get the attention otherwise? What are my motivations? If I cannot trust myself, how can I trust someone else who thinks they need to share a God thought?

OUCH! If it is from God and I am the one He uses to put it out there. I must trust that He will continue to move the information to the right people. IT’S NOT ABOUT ME. It’s not up to me to push it through.

I came to pondering this subject so much. I felt like I was being nudged, then pushed, then prodded, then hit with baseball bats. I would play with an idea for days, weeks, years. I would keep it close to my heart. I would not trust to share it. I would let it stagnate.

Until the idea was shoved to the forefront of my mind in uncomfortable places. I would shake, tremble, be covered with goosebumps. I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t sit still. I felt trapped until I could finally get it out. And the relief was momentous, like why didn’t I do that sooner? That’s what I mean about baseball bats. When I was finally rid of being the sole carrier of the thought, I could practically pass out from the adrenaline rush culminating in the shakes.

I would sit back later and say, “that was a God thing.”

Of course, after many instances of my ideas running into brick walls or being thrown back into my face, I would lean forward and say, “was that a God thing?” And I would go back to tearing myself up. And protecting these thoughts in my own realm of the mind.

I’ve come to the conclusion that my goals and God’s goals are not the same. Big, fat DUH! Yeah, I know.

I’ve also decided that yes, it was a God thing.

And I haven’t gotten it right yet and until I do, I can expect more of the same.

When you ask for patience, God puts you in places where you have to practice patience.

My greatest fear is rejection which equals a sense of unworthiness. And I seriously take it to the Nth level. I am worthy. God puts me in places where I can learn to deal with rejection, and react to it NOT with a sense of unworth.

That’s my story. I’m sticking to it.

I believe that Jesus Christ, true God, begotten of the Father from eternity, and also true man, born of the Virgin Mary, is my Lord,

Who has redeemed me, a lost and condemned person, purchased and won me from all sins, from death, and from the power of the devil; not with gold or silver, but with His holy, precious blood and with His innocent suffering and death,

that I may be His own and live under Him in His kingdom and serve Him in everlasting righteousness, innocence, and blessedness,

just as He is risen from the dead, lives and reigns to all eternity.

This is most certainly true.

Luther’s Small Catechism, The Creed, The Second Article – Redemption