Chapter 4 – Little by Little

“Discouragement destroys hope, so naturally the devil always tries to discourage us. Without hope we give up, which is what the devil wants us to do.”

When I read that I realized I had lost hope. Not hope in my eternal future, but hope in my earthly life. I’ve been living in discouragement for far too long, but I hadn’t identified it that way.

I have trained. I have prepared. I have studied. I have worked. I have put in the time. I have gone above and beyond. I have paid my way. I have asked. I have offered. I have suggested. I have shared. I have been generous. I have waited. I have waited. I have waited. I have waited.

I have trained some more. I have prepared some more. I have studied some more. I have worked harder. I have put in more time. I have gone higher and farther. I have paid more. I have asked again. I have offered again. I have suggested again. I have shared to the point of vulnerability. I have been obscenely generous. I have waited. I have waited. I have waited. I have waited.

It would be different if I could have an answer. Any answer would do. Something! An inkling. It’s the silence that puts me on the edge of madness. And I’m getting silence from all directions. Please, a hint of direction? I cannot continue like this. Stuck. Waiting. What if I’m waiting for something that will never come?

What does this have to do with my mind and the battlefield and little by little? Well this is a picture of the battlefield that is my mind. That’s me in the trench waiting for my orders. I’ve been hunkered there for a few years.

God tells us that we need to take our enemies little by little. If we go to fast, we might succumb to the beast. Joyce Meyer suggests that the beast is our pride. I think that is what happened a few years ago. I was taking my mind back to fast and pride got in the way. I wasn’t ready.

So now I’m back further than when I started. You know, two steps forward, three steps back. I have to start over again. And forget everything I said above. Start fresh. But start in my mind. Once I get that back under control, the rest should follow.

First step? Peeking over the edge of the trench? Maybe just standing up? Maybe opening my eyes? Maybe unclenching? I’ve been waiting for the bomb to hit far too long.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10 (ESV)