A Life of Endurance

I am beyond excited to announce that yesterday I read the last chapter of this book. It will thrill me to no end to return it to the mailbox of its owner. I quite possibly almost jumped the gun by thinking to attempt to return it today. I’ve still got the questions to copy and answer and I might need the book to refer to … But it is too tempting to have it out of my possession.

I’m giddy with the notion that I have a library book waiting on my dresser. A friend suggested I read chapter twelve. The book is about the Battlefield of the Mind and it is by Joyce Meyers. Of course I will read the whole thing and will probably AMEN every word.

I purchased 4 books a few months ago. One is Crazy Love, one is about Discipleship suggested by another friend, and one is Radical something or other taking back… American Dream… that several of my friends have been reading. And there’s another Francis Chan one in there. I have NO idea which one to begin with. Maybe I’ll read all four simultaneously.

Then there is the other borrowed book, from the same person that I got this one. I should probably tackle it first so it can go back.

And there are 32 books laying beside my bed that I came into possession of and thought I was going to get the opportunity to put into practice, but now I’m thinking I should just donate them back to the library and get on with my life. Of course, one of them happened to be another book another friend had suggested … Maybe I’ll keep that one … or a few.

This for me is suffering. Too many books; not enough time. And that’s just my Christian non-fiction. I’m sorely behind in my juvenile list and the Newbery announcement is just around the corner AND the Coretta Scott King AND the Caldecott. I’ll barely have finished those and their honor cohorts when the 2012 Caudill list will be announced. That’s 20 books! Kill me now. Why do I do this to myself?

I’m being silly. It’s all true. But it’s silly. I don’t have to do any of this. Maybe I want to, but I certainly don’t have to. The world will not end if I haven’t read all of the Caudills before anyone else in the tri-state area. And my time could be put to better use elsewhere. But it won’t.

Suffering. I KNOW how glorious and alive one can feel in the midst of true suffering. When you’re scrambling to make sense of your world and you’re stuck in the present. You desperately want to go back to the way things were. But you cannot. You long to be in the future – immediately – and through with the ordeal. But you cannot. You’re stuck.

And I’m hopelessly stuck now. Not in any physical suffering. Simply mental. No one can see it on the outside unless they know what they’re looking for. And I’ve been here, whether I knew it or not, for 3 to 4 years.

In the book, there is a tiny section called Enduring Confusion followed by Enduring Doubt. It talks about when you get the Call and it is so clear and you cannot help but answer and you do what you thought you were so clearly called to do. And then you don’t hear anything else. And you start questioning the Call. And you start wondering if you really heard it or not. Or did you misinterpret it. 

And I need help. I need guidance. I’m stuck. And I’m failing. And I’m starting to slide backward. And there seems to be no relief. And what if I missed it or got it all wrong? How do I bail myself out? And I’m so very very very miserable.

And I knew it was insane at the time.

And I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I want it to go away.

I need a clear answer.

And I’m certain there won’t be one to be had.

God tests the godly. I’m not godly. I don’t have a godly bone in my body.

God SAVE ME!

You whom I took from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, “You are my servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off”
Isaiah 41:9 (ESV)