Same feelings, different people, different reasons

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.
Romans 8:1-2 (ESV)

Oh dear, my accountant is well aware that I have a difficult time of accepting undeserved grace.  I am very hard on myself for being a sinner. Not that is a preventative mindset. More of a “can’t help it so why bother” mindset. Ugh.

I was reading a friend’s blog and I noticed that she suffers from the same conundrum. We want to be in control. We want to earn. We want to choose. We want to accept the praise. (my words) When in reality, God loved us first. Jesus chose us. We cannot have faith except that the Spirit dwells within us. It’s not about us at all.

And hence, this comparison: Remember the time before last that I brought up my grievance of envy and jealousy against the newness of a person. There is more to this person. This person is living in the lifeboat and draws upon words and connections to prove she deserves to be in the boat. You probably know someone like this. And maybe it is me…

This person always has to be a step ahead of you. This person always has to have the next thing better than you. This person says your name in such a way that it belittles you. They might include you in a conversation, and everything that comes out of their mouth claims that they aren’t like you. Open mouth and insert foot. They would say, “I am not the kind of person who wears shoes,” and they would say it in such a way as to include you in the lifeboat even though you are clearly before them wearing shoes!

Here comes the comparison: Today’s person, well, my grievance against them is also envy and jealousy. BUT for an entirely different reason. Whereas the person before gets everything for their newness – and obviously, I wholeheartedly disagree for they are out to uplift themselves. (not saying I am acting or thinking or believing rightly. I’m a sinner. Never forget that.) My eighth person totally deserves every good blessing they receive from the Father.

And I am envious.

This person comes so very close to being in the water with Jesus so that others can be uplifted in the lifeboat. They are an excellent role-model in so many ways. And I wish I could be more like that. Actually, that’s what I wish I could be striving for. I just don’t think I’m ready for it. This person would embrace another’s newness rather than continue to rant about it. And they do it sincerely. I see no ulterior motives.

The former person is all about “me” and the latter is all about “you”. You can see it in the way they both live, act, speak. I don’t want to be like the first, although I probably am. I want to be like the second, and it will be a long road to get there.

I struggle every day to be glad that the latter person is on my side. To rejoice in their person and to be grateful to know them.

I pray that I can learn from their example and not be so grumbling.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8 (ESV)