Honestly? Glad to be done.

1.      Why is it so critical for us to seek the filling and leading of the Holy Spirit as we grow in our understanding of confession?

We cannot do anything without the Spirit's leading let alone confess appropriately. It is only through the Spirit that we have faith. We must depend upon the Spirit in all things. He knows what is good and right for us. He can place on our hearts those things that we could not recognize otherwise. And we are so far from confessional professionals these days, that we depend upon the Spirit to point out where would not even guess we have sinned.

2.     What possible extremes might we face if we confess on our own without the leading of the Holy Spirit?

As I mentioned before, there are a lot of things that we do everyday that we might not recognize as sin without the Spirit's guidance. Things that we have done for so long and so regularly that we do not understand why they could be sins. Only the Spirit can show them to us. That is one extreme. The extreme of ignorance.

The other extreme, in my opinion, would be the mental flagging we would give ourselves for those sins for which we cannot seem to get over or escape. Rather than beating ourselves up over these recurring sins, with the Spirit's leading, direction, He can help us overcome them in a way that would could not know ourselves. He can give us the tools that we might not recognize in order to help us. We would feel helpless otherwise. Helplessness leads to overwhelming hopelessness which is where we give in.

Psalm 51

3.     What do you learn about the heart of true confession from David's prayer?

It is all about God and what God can do. It has nothing to do with us. We cannot even wish to be righteous or try to be holy. We can only beg God to help us to want to be. David asks God to give him a contrite heart. We can train to make this our prayer as well.

4.     Restitution is the process of making things right with the person you have sinned against. If someone has stolen, they give back what they took. If someone has lied, they tell the truth … even if it hurts. Why is restitution essential for the confession and healing process to be complete?

It is an essential part of the confession process because it is the conclusion. What would be the point of reading a book if you always skipped the final chapter. There would be no resolution.

It is also the hardest part and I bet the part that most of us skip. It is painful. It makes us humble. It is our pride that prevents us from admitting our mistakes in the first place. And by not meeting this requirement of confession, we are missing out on the forgiveness of the one we hurt.

When we require ourselves to take this final step, it makes it all the harder to commit the same sin again. It makes us more accountable. We also must earn the trust of the one we wronged. We might also lose that trust forever and the trust of those around us. It forces us to trust the person we wronged to not only forgive us, but to love us anyway. I'm not that good.

Of course, if someone asked for my forgiveness, I'd probably say "no problem". I'm a door mat that way …

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
   a broken and contrite heart
   you, God, will not despise.
Psalm 51:17 (NIV)

Gentle Rain or Burning Fire

James 5:16

We need to confess our sins to God and we need to confess our sins to others. There are two options here and both are beneficial. We can confess our sins to a trusted friend who can help to hold us accountable. If you, if I am unwillingly to confess my sins to a friend, it is probably so that I don’t have to be held accountable. Here’s my nudge. I have multiple times felt the urge to tell a close friend, confess my sins to her. And I continue to withhold because I know she will hold me accountable. It will become her mission. Oh, and then of course, she will think less of me. Pride!

The other option, of course, is to confess your sin to the one you have wronged, hurt. Perhaps I’ll just make a goal of the former option. My heart is still too hard. I would “confess” for the wrong reasons. I can approve of myself at least in that respect. I’m not vengeful. Well, I think it, which is the same as doing it. Hate is no less than murder, you see. But I can pretend that I’m a little bit better because I have withheld my anger. Kept it in check. Pride!

Identify where you might need to confess sin in each of the following areas using the seven deadly sins as a guideline or tool to help you.

Here’s the rub … I’m not going to do this here. This is for personal reflection. I almost didn’t even include it. But I was trying to hold myself accountable by including it. But who am I kidding? I won’t do it on paper any more than I will do it online. Suffice it to say that I am guilty of all, some more than others. I even tried to find a way to get out of confessing Gluttony … but I just stuffed myself full to exploding with Mexican, twice in one week. Trying to fill a void that only God can fill.

Area of sin:                                      Confession:

Pride                                                             

Anger                                                                       

Lust                                                              

Envy                                                             

Greed                                                                       

Sloth                                                             

Gluttony                                                      

Take a moment and ask the Holy Spirit to examine your life. Where does the Holy Spirit want to put an X on your life today to show where there needs to be confession and repentant action?

More personal reflection in an effort to hold myself accountable. I am overwhelmed. And I will confess right here that I don’t want to invite the Holy Spirit to examine my life. I am scared of where he will put the X. But perhaps He will take baby steps with me. He surely knows there is only so much I can handle. I cannot handle the big stuff properly, if I cannot even handle the little stuff properly. Then again, it could be trial by fire  …

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant,
but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness
to those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:11 (ESV)

Heart of Stone

1.     John says, "At the heart of it, confession involves taking appropriate responsibility for what we have done." What are the consequences of confessing but refusing to take responsibility for the impact of our sinful choices?

We can confess our sins every Sunday morning, but if we do not take responsibility for them, we never change. Without responsibility, confession is more of a sweeping the dust under the bed so you cannot see the dust bunnies. Taking responsibility involves holding the dust bunnies, taking them apart, acknowledging what they are made up of, and ridding our hearts of the dirt.

How can taking responsibility help us turn away from sin and walk in deeper places of holiness?

When we are aware of what makes us tick, we can actually move towards change. We can ask Christ to fill those voids that we’ve found. We can humble ourselves and ask Christ to take over. Until we take responsibility, we are not even acknowledging that we have done wrong. We have to accept our part of the problem and move to change it in favor of holiness.

2.    When we see sin through our own eyes, it is easy to excuse ourselves and justify our sin. When we see sin through the eyes of those we have sinned against and hurt, our perspective begins to change. When we see through the lens of God's vision and heart, we get a whole new perspective. Why is it essential for us to learn to see our sin through the eyes of those we have sinned against and through the eyes of God?

In most cases, I think it is impossible to continue to sin when you view the sin through the eyes of those you’re sinning against. It takes a really hardened heart of stone to not be moved by the emotions that others would feel. Especially if you try to put yourself in their footsteps.

And if we cannot be moved by those we have sinned against because we have a tendency to see them as our enemy (arms raised). Yes, we view them as hurting us rather than the other way around whether it is true or not. Then it is vital that we view our sin through God’s eyes because He has done no wrong against us real or perceived. And He is so much harder to hate, because He is so good to us even though we cannot ever claim to deserve it.

3.    How can God use tears, mourning, and brokenness over our sins as a tool for his will to be done in our lives?

It’s the great crying out again.  He hears our voice and He longs to answer us. He wants our attention and He wants to heal our hurts. Back when we discussed prayer, we admitted that we do everything in our power before we go to God in prayer. And these tears, mourning and brokenness are our final hour. It’s when we can continue in the same manner no longer, but we do not know how to change. We’ve tried everything to no avail. And God steps in.

John talks about the "gift of tears." Have you ever experienced this and how did this gift make you more the person God wants you to be?

This really doesn’t apply here to confession so much … but I did ask for the “gift of tears” and it was given to me. I used to cry at the drop of a hat over any little thing. Never the big ticket items. I think I refused to cry over the big stuff because I didn’t want anyone to know how much I hurt, however, I was bullied for crying over the little things. I hated tears.

When I was older, I needed to be medicated in order to free myself from unnecessary anxiety and the medication took the tears away. At first I was joyful. I was finally living the way I thought normal people did. But I no longer had any emotions for anything. I couldn’t cry when it was appropriate.

Then I met someone who cried at the drop of a hat, sincerely, over things that should break one’s heart sufficiently to produce tears. I was amazed. Then I met another person who could sincerely cry along with you and even for you.

And I asked God to restore my tears. Now I cry all the time again. And perhaps inappropriately. But I don’t mind so much. Maybe I should pay better attention to what makes me cry so that I can get a better idea on what needs fixing …

4.    Describe a time when you hurt someone through a sinful choice, humbly confessed, and saw God bring healing and restoration. How did this experience act as a catalyst for future obedience and willingness to confess when you recognized you sins?

I completely lost my temper in front of the girls once. (many times!) And I saw how it affected them. Scared them. Made them cry. And I recognized myself as a child in them. Their sad faces cast down. And it broke my heart. They only want me to be happy and they think it is their job to accomplish this mission. And I quickly as God for strength and peace and forgiveness, and then I asked them to forgive me and apologized profusely and loved on them and reassured them that it wasn’t their fault. That it was my fault that I lacked self-control. They perked right up and returned the love on me. They might even have empathized a bit with me.

Now, I do this much more often. Apologize to my kids. Over and over, but I think I experience that kind of rage less and less in front of them. Now to get rid of it completely!

Immediately the father of the child cried out and said,
“I believe; help my unbelief!”
Mark 9:24 (ESV)

Do I want a contrite heart?

1.      We all have our own mauve sofa story of when we had a chance to confess, but chickened out. Tell about a time you stood on the edge of confession, but just couldn't do it.

You know, I can sit here and sit here and sit here. I can think and think and think. I've come up with times when I was on the edge and finally did it. I can remember times where I did something and never felt the nudge to confess. I am having a really difficult time coming up with a time when I was on the edge of confessing and just couldn't do it … Not to say that I haven't. I've just shoved it so far down perhaps? Excuses.

I must be in denial. Even when I get an urge to confess, I'll admit that it is more in order to hurt someone who has hurt me than to receive forgiveness. I do not have a contrite heart. I have a brazen one. How have I come so far. I should know better.

What is it that makes confession so hard and painful for us?

It's hard to admit that we are not right. In today's society we want to be right. We always have to be right. We're struggling to maintain our status on the lifeboat. We are so stubborn that we are unwilling to admit that we cannot always be right. We hate to even receive criticism.

Isn't this better said: It's hard to admit that I am not right. In today's society, I want to be right. I always have to be right. I am struggling to maintain my status on the lifeboat. I am too stubborn to be willing to admit that I cannot always be right. I hate to even receive criticism.

2.     What are some of the euphemisms for sin that we use in an effort to keep from calling sin exactly what it is?

We say "everybody does it." When the majority do it, it is open acceptance that it is okay to do. We call it procrastination. We call it Type A personality. We claim we have ADHD. We side with forgetfulness and old-age. We say we are busy. We say we cannot help ourselves. We call it addiction. We claim lack of self-control. We blame the media instead of ourselves.

Why is it so important that we learn to identify sin in ourselves and call it sin?

You can't stop doing it if you're not aware that you are doing it. And if you do not call it for what it is it can become acceptable to be doing it. If you dislike someone to the point of wishing that person ill, you are committing murder. We must call it what it is or else it doesn't seem like such a bad thing. It doesn't matter that you are not best friends, you are still called to love that person. It is sin otherwise.

3.     "When we practice confession well, two things happen. The first is that we are liberated from guilt. The second is that we will be at least a little less likely to sin in the same way in the future than if we had not confessed. Sin will look and feel less attractive." How have you experienced the liberating power of confession?

This will be a really bizarre example at least to me. I grew up reading fortune cookies and horoscopes and predictions. They are everywhere. In the newspaper and after your dessert at your favorite Chinese buffet. We don't even think about it. You can have your daily horoscope delivered daily through email or even Facebook. People love to announce their good fortune as well.

I mentioned the other day that I had gone through Spiritual Healing and I had to confess that I had participated in these activities. I'd never considered them as sin until I was confronted with the need to confess them. Now that I have confessed them, I find that I don't feel a need to look for them or find them or read them when they are before me. Not that I haven't read them since when they are presented before me, but I do not go in search of them. I do not wait on them. They are no longer a part of my day.

How have you seen confession reduce your desire to continue in a sinful practice in your life?

I just don't think I have a really good grip on confession in my life. Which means I don't have a really good grip on sin in m y life. I realized that I was focusing my anger on my children and I hated myself for it. After the fact, I would get the nudge. The wake up call. That I would push my children away from me if I continued in my hostility. So I started asking for forgiveness from my children afterwards. I need to move towards not doing it at all …

Welcome to my toughest chapter yet.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
   and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Psalm 51:10 (NIV)

Life Beyond Regret

Boy! That last chapter just flew by. What was it even about? Pride? Vanity? Oh, yeah! Being Humble. The Discipline of Humbling Yourself. I remember when I wrote last week; the day I read the chapter, but had yet to read the Study Guide Questions. I lamented that I thought I didn't get as much out of the Discipline of Prayer as I had Joy or Slowness. And I cannot say much for the Humility one either.

I am thinking that I should probably go back and work some more upon my Prayer life. But I could argue that I should pick a couple to work on and move beyond when I've mastered the first. Not that one can ever master them. Only Jesus mastered them and mastered them all.

I have yet to set aside 5 minutes for prayer. It's just not high on my list of priorities. I know, I'm horrible.

And now, I move onto Confession. I'm just not ready. I'm reading the book to get to the end, but I'm not really training for righteousness.

I took a Bible class at church over a year ago called Spiritual Warfare and realized that there was something more there to be offered – Spiritual Healing. And there were books to go along with it. And I discovered how far I have fallen from what is to be expected.

Now that isn't really being fair to myself. I do not think I'm the only one. And I didn't really fall, so much as I was never really trained in the art. Our Christian culture is just as watered down as our secular education.

So I plug on. This is going to be a hard one. I'm not quite sure how I will handle it yet.

And I'm starting to question the benefits of the route I've taken. There must be a better way. And accountability is better served by real people. The question is …  Am I ready to be held accountable by real people? Or am I a fake. I think I'm a fake. There. It's said.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.
We do not know what we ought to pray for,
but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.
Romans 8:26 (NIV)

Humble Ourselves

Luke 18:9-14

1.     What is Jesus teaching us about the condition of our heart in relation to our actions?

We cannot do good works to earn our place in heaven nor to rise above others on earth. If we are doing good works to earn our place in the lifeboat, we have it all wrong. We must humble ourselves and accept that nothing we could ever do could possibly earn us our way to heaven. And it doesn’t matter how many good things we do, if our heart is in the wrong place, we are not sufficiently good enough to earn the lifeboat either. No one likes a brilliant know-it-all. People love a brilliant servant like Joseph in Egypt. Do what is right and keep it in secret. God will know. God is the only one who matters.

2.    What does genuine and authentic humility look like?

Genuine humility is accepting both our strengths and our weaknesses as God-given (God-withheld?). We did not earn our good looks. We may do a good job of taking care of and advancing the looks and talents God has given us, but God also put in us the desire to so. The best example of true humility would be to accept a compliment simply and direct the person to where it truly came from – Our Father in Heaven. “Wow! That’s amazing!” “Thank you. It is my gift from God to you.”

What does false humility look like and how can you tell the difference?

When you give someone a compliment and they take it as an opportunity to go on and on and on about themselves. You usually end up with a whole new story apart from where you originally started and you know way more about the person’s talents and gifts than you would have liked. You probably feel uncomfortable and probably will refrain from complimenting this person in the future, let alone engaging them in conversation.

OR, what if I had put it this way …

When you give me a compliment and I spend the next few minutes making you uncomfortable by telling you all the reasons why I don’t deserve the compliment. And then you feel like you have to reinforce the compliment. Which makes me get more and better compliments. Which I want. But certainly wouldn’t ask for. And will continue to deflect. All the time secreting them away in my pocket for future use to build myself up at later date OR use by telling someone else how much you admire me. LOL!

3.    Read the Bonhoeffer quote. Tell about a time you should have held your tongue, but failed to. What were some of the repercussions?

You know, we all think we have unique thoughts. We have inspirations that we believe no one else is privy to. Very rarely, this might actually be true of someone. Even so, that someone’s thoughts or ideas are built upon those of another and ages of countless others.

I was given the opportunity to express my thoughts on a certain subject and once I got started, well, I rolled with it. Whether it was good or bad or irrelevant, I said it. At first I was well received, but soon I was met with silence. So I stopped talking. I still don’t know if anything ever came of that. I poured my heart out. I ended up hurt and vulnerable and full of rage. I’m not sure where it left the other parties.

Tell about a time you did hold your tongue and had the wisdom and self-control to be silent. What did God accomplish through your silence?

I held my tongue from then on. What I discovered was that there were some people who saw things entirely different from me. I still don’t understand how we could be so far apart while sitting at the same table and hearing the same words and seeing the same actions.

But I also found out that were plenty of people just like me. They thought the same thoughts. They had the same worries. They shared the same misgivings and heartaches. They just chose not to say anything.

The most refreshing part I found was that the second set of people were glad that I had spoken my mind. I had been speaking on their behalf. And I hadn’t realized it. I felt I had spoken Truth, but Truth shouldn’t be met with such obstacles. I had stopped speaking because I had stopped believing in myself …

End result? I don’t talk as much, but when I feel it is necessary for the well-being of another (others) I take a chance and say something.

In the end, we are not all unique in our thoughts. There is always someone else that thinks like we do. We are all just gifted in different ways. Perhaps I am to speak … Morning conundrum.

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life.
No one comes to the Father except through me.”
John 14:6 (ESV)

Ministry of the Mundane

What is an example of the ministry of the mundane that you can offer in one of the following areas this week?

1.     In a friendship – I can make myself available for transportation, pick up and drop off of kids as needed.

2.    In the work place – I can pick up and straighten up the room. I can display books. I can get books for special displays.

3.    In your home – I can clean the floors and bathrooms.

4.    In your neighborhood – I can pick up the dog droppings and other trash left behind when I go on my dog walks.

5.    In your church – I can inquire after the health and well-being of our staff and pray for them as individuals. I would call this the Ministry of the Mundane because it is typically their job to do this, but I could take a piece of the burden.

Take a moment and identify one or two simple chores, tasks, or jobs that you know (and others may know) you really don’t enjoy. What might you learn if you commit to one of these tasks on a regular basis for the coming months, seeking the Spirit’s leading in your life as you enter into these simple tasks?

I mentioned above, cleaning floors and bathrooms. I do NOT enjoy cleaning house in any way shape or form. I could go forever without touching a vacuum. But I DO know that my husband appreciates these things. Rather, he expects them to be done and is willing to do them. He just doesn’t have the time and he probably sees me as having the time. If I did them, he would have time to do other things. I could commit to these things and I would hope that he would have a burden lifted from his mind and would be happier. And perhaps spend some more time doing fun things without complaint. I will certainly need the Spirit to lead me here. I have a hardened heart in this area.

What can you do to keep the latch off your door and make yourself more available to others in how you do the following:

1.     Schedule your day – I can choose not to schedule so much. I can attempt to be more flexible and fluid in my day. I can embrace the times when my day doesn’t go as I had planned and use extra time found in useful ways rather than lamenting the change.

2.    Project approachability and availability – I can always present an open face. An anticipatory face. I can choose to see others first and approach them first. Rather than being closed off and “you interrupted?” When a human comes to me, I can set aside my non-human task showing that the human is more important than the work. I can always make the human the priority. Human sounds kind of sterile doesn’t it? But it gets the point across.

3.    Set up your home, office, and other places people connect with you – I can continue to do my “work” in the thick of things rather than build a “my room” where I can hide from daily life. At the office, I don’t have an office, or at least not a desk that I can use. BUT I have a tendency to work at the computer with blinders on when I have a mission or goal to achieve. I need to take the blinders off more often. Force myself to sit at the opposite desk which faces the entry rather than opt for the desk that puts my back towards the people. Other places, I have the tendency to hide my nose in a book. And I’m not necessarily ready to give that up. BUT when I am approached, I can choose to set it aside and not be hostile for the interruption … Note to self. Choose human over book …

1.     Not only can vanity strike in the secular parts of life, it can hit at the core of our spiritual life. What are some signs or indicators that spiritual pride is creeping in?

Choosing to do only things that you are good at so people only ever get to see your “best” side. Turning down opportunities where you will need a little added guidance or help. Choosing to do things alone without help even when the task at hand is too big. Not admitting when you’re out of your comfort zone and that someone else might be better at the job. Hogging all of the servant jobs thinking that you can do them better. Not accepting criticism with an open heart. Having an all or none mentality. Withholding help when your agenda is not supported. In all of these things, it’s all about “me”.

Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with  modesty and self-control,
not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire,
but with what is proper for women who profess godliness – with good works.
1 Timothy 2:9-10 (ESV)

Am I distracted?

Mark 10:45 and Philippians 2:6-11

1.     What are some of the acts of service Jesus offered when he walked on this earth?

He gave His life for all. He humbled Himself to all. He was obedient even when it meant His death. He healed the sick and the lame. He raised loved ones from the dead. He fed the hungry. He cast out demons. He spoke on behalf of the helpless and hopeless. He acted out of love. He forgave sinners. He taught His disciples the Way of Love. He recognized the untouchables and unlovables.

What was his heart and attitude when it came to serving?

He served out of love in humbleness. He didn’t have to do it, for He was Divine. He did it because He wanted to do it. And He did it joyfully despite the consequences.

2.    We can be swept into busyness and get our motors running too fast. Where do you see yourself running your RPMs right now?

How can I put it? When I am busy, I am running high and fast and in the danger zone. When I am not busy, which is rarely really, I am barely moving. I don’t know if that is out of exhaustion. I might claim that. OR if it is because of the overwhelming busyness that I seize up …

Respond to one of the following questions that apply to you:

a.     If you RPMs are too slow, what needs to happen to help you pick up the pace? I need to cut down on the busyness so that I am not so overwhelmed. I need to plan these times of slow so that they are of my choosing and NOT because I simply cannot go any further.

b.    If you feel your RPMs are at a good place, what can you do to be sure you maintain health and balance and not get revved up too fast? Hahaha.

c.     If you RPMs are hitting the red line and danger zone, what can you do to slow down and find restored health and balance in your life? I need to pick fewer things to do and do them well. My complaint will be that most of what I do tends to be cyclical. I get a lot around the holidays. And I get some more around Easter. And then again in the summer. I am not sure if that can be avoided. I tried to plan some things ahead, but they all end up piling up at one time. I hurry to get one done to move on to the next and then collapse after everything! Can I choose to do nothing?

3.    If you could form a personal schedule team made up of people who care about you, know you, and would speak honestly to you, what kind of evaluation do you think they would make if they reviewed your schedule from the past month?

Funny. I have asked someone to take my schedule and make what I want to do happen around the things that I have to do. More and more people have advised me to do less. To pick the things that bring me joy and stop the things that don’t. Truthfully … there are still things that I would LOVE to do that would bring me joy that I would add to my list of things to do … And there are things that I would like to take off, but haven’t managed this time around. But have certainly said things to put the possibility in motion.

I think that my team would see that I have a lot of down time that I fill up with a lot of little things that take me away from what I want to do. I think they would also see a lot of things that I don’t have to do, but choose to do. And I would probably have a hard time arguing why I need to continue …

What might they tell you to stop?

I should stop blogging. If I want to write, I should write my book. I don’t have to train in writing here. I should just write and write and write and write there. That would be training enough.

I should stop Christmas decorating at church. I’m miserable.

Stop offering to do so much or more of the same. I’m doing it for the right reasons, but I’m not necessarily the one to fix things.

What might they encourage you to begin?

Begin writing more. Find a place to sing that is fulfilling and joyful, but not stressing.

But Martha was distracted with much serving…
Luke 10:40a (ESV)

Working in Secret

Genesis 3:1-7

1.     How did Satan use the human tendency for vanity as leverage in his temptation of Adam and Eve?

First the serpent asked Eve if God told them they couldn’t eat of any tree in Eden. So Satan was inquiring of Eve’s knowledge. Anyone loves to be approached with inquiries of which they have the answer. Then he told Eve that they would be like God if they ate of the forbidden tree and nothing is greater than God. Satan showed Eve that she could become like her master through her own actions.

How does the enemy still use this same tactic for temptation in the world today?

Donald Miller writes of the Lifeboat Theory in his book The Search for God Knows What. The idea is that we humans are all sitting in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean and our only desire is to prove that we are the most worthy to stay within the lifeboat. If someone must be thrown overboard in order to save the many, it should not be us because we are smart or beautiful or wealthy or useful.

Satan continually asks us to compares ourselves to others. Unlike Eve, Satan does not need for us to compare ourselves to God Himself. Any old Joe will do. Satan does not want us to love each other for the unique gifts that make us who we are. He wants us to be jealous of those traits that others have that we wish we had. Satan either show us how we’re better than someone else so that we can remain in the lifeboat OR he shows us how the other person is superior to ourselves to ourselves so that we can belittle the other person or act against them to gain an upper hand.

2.    John says, “Pride is essentially comparative in nature.” How does comparing ourselves to others do one of the following:

a.     Breed pride – Don’t we love to look at others and say, “I’m so glad I am not like so-and-so. That I have a good head on my shoulders,” if we find ourselves superior to another. Or if we find ourselves inferior, we might very well belittle the other’s gifts. “They are very good in the realm of hospitality, but they certainly cannot form a convincible statement.” We are always out to step on another to put our heads above the crowd.

b.    Destroy community – It certainly doesn’t do a bit of good in the lifeboat to keep such thoughts to ourselves. We must win the other lifeboaters to our own side. We also like to find someone to attach ourselves to in order to boost our pride. So we gossip and strategically move people that could affect our standing in the lifeboat, lower on the totem pole in the minds of the other passengers.

c.     Function as a kind of anti-love – We cannot love others when we are so busy loving ourselves. When you truly love someone you put them above you in rank. You are willing to have them stand on your shoulders so that they can be seen. We reserve this kind of love for our own. Our children.

3.    How does our society affirm and even encourage a prideful spirit?

Every commercial, every sound bite, every item on the market to buy is out to make you a better person. If there are competing items, say a Mac and a PC, the marketing is geared to fill you with a sense of pride in the very applications you have versus what the other doesn’t. Where this and be loved. Smell like this and be loved. Be the envy of everyone else by driving this car. You are not good enough unless you have one of these. You are not a part of the in-crowd unless you have membership at this place.

What consequences does this pride-affirming ethos have on the fabric of our culture?

We spend all of our time and money and energy on chasing things to make us feel like we are better than everyone else. And it is very lonely at the top. No one likes the people who sit at the top of the mountain and lord it over everyone else. Having all these things does not fill us up. Rather, it leaves us feeling very empty and wanting more. We can never get enough in this manner. Besides, there is always a new gadget to own. So it rips our culture apart, much like pride rips apart community. It separates us into the haves and the have-nots. And never forget that there are the have-nothings who cannot even attempt to compete in the race. Certainly, it sends the wrong message … you may not be able to clothe or feed or shelter your children or provide them medical attention, but as long as you have a tattoo, or a new piercing, or a gold tooth, or the latest iPhone, you’re still in the running.

4.    Read the quote by Richard Foster. How can service – and specifically hidden service – act as a remedy for pride?

For one thing, for myself, when I throw myself into service, I don’t have time for anything else. My mind is consumed with the act and my hands are busy as well. The worst thing might be that I turn my pride in wanting to please others. I would bend myself over backwards to make someone or some people happy. It is no longer my happiness, but their satisfaction that is important. Of course, if they are happy and content then I will be also. Double-edged sword. I refer to the Friends episode. The one I always refer to where Phoebe tries to perform a good deed without recognition – a good deed that goes unnoticed and unthanked. Most importantly – a good deed for which she is not made happy by doing it.

What keeps us from offering more acts of secret service?

It is very hard to perform acts of secret service. And when you succeed, there is the desire to announce that you succeeded. Even now, I sit and wonder what I could do that would be a secret. I am privy to certain information and by fulfilling a wish, it would be very obvious that I would be the only one to pull it off … It is hard to give money in anonymity. Somebody must know what you’re doing. I guess, perhaps, to do something that you recognize needs to be done, but no one else recognizes is a problem is an act of secret service. Seeing a piece of gum on the floor and picking it up rather than passing it by. It’s not like you’re going to go around and show it off …

But when you give to the needy,
do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,
so that your giving may be in secret.
And you Father who sees in secret will reward you.
Matthew 6:3-4 (ESV)

Appropriate Smallness

Let me start off by admitting that I don’t feel I deserve to continue into this chapter. When I was reading about the Discipline of Joy, I really got into it and really tried (not trained) to keep it in mind. I trained hard to turn my depression around to joy when necessary.

When I was reading about the Discipline of Slowing down, I really paid attention to it and worked on slowing down throughout my day. I was thriving on the joy-filled slowing down.

But I’ve missed the boat with the Discipline of Prayer. I have yet to set aside a time and a place to pray for 5 minutes. In the morning, I always still have one more thing I could get done in those 5 minutes. And in the evening, I am always too tired to concentrate. I fill up my day with a multitude of things to do, but prayer is not one of them.

So I feel that I didn’t deserve to move on to the Discipline of Humility. I would beg anyone out there, to pray for me in my attempt, or lack of attempt, to find a time to pray. There is still a bit of me that doesn’t feel I deserve to go to God in prayer. That He won’t listen to me because I do not deserve His grace or mercy – which is of course all about me and my worth and not about Jesus and His sacrifice.

Perhaps it is appropriate that I dive into Humility … Perhaps I’m still expecting too much of myself.

The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance,
that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners,
of whom I am the foremost.
But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost,
Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those
who were to believe in him for eternal life.
1 Timothy 1:15-16 (ESV)

I hadn't realized

1.     How have you seen prayer used as a last resort and a desperate "Hail Mary" pass at the end of the game?

I mentioned before that often, when I’ve been hurt and my response has been anger, I often fall to my knees and cry out. That is exactly what it is. I throw up my arms in defeat. I give up. And then I begin my senseless, wordless, sobbing prayers. Usually, by this point, it is too far gone to begin honest, straightforward, working, common sensical prayers. There is no organization, logic, reason, facts. Only desperation. If I had been praying all along, when I was coherent and reasoning, I might have found a much different path.

2.    Tell about a time you were forced to your knees in prayer because you realized you had nowhere else to go.

At the time, in my mind, everything was lost. Everything I had worked so hard for. Everything I had built up. Everything I had planned for. The safety net was gone. All of the suffering I had been through, all the time spent alone, and all the time I had held the fort down in anticipation of better days had all been for nothing.

I was trying to wrap my mind around the idea that I would not have a home, let alone a house. I was not going to have transportation. I was not going to be able to afford the basics let alone anything in addition. Not only that, but everything I did have, might very well be taken away.

And I never saw it coming. It wasn’t like I had time to understand it. It wasn’t like it had been a possibility on the horizon to plan for. Just one day, the future, as I had known it to be, was gone.

What happened once you hit your knees and began praying?

I couldn’t sleep. And I talked to God. I was curled up in a ball in a recliner with my book. But I couldn’t read either. My mind had room for nothing else, but sorrow and loss and insecurity and fright. And I said, “what can I do?”

Well, I didn’t say it was a good prayer.

I believe God answered me with something that I could do. And I did it immediately and within the week, I knew that I wasn’t going to be allowed to do it. It wasn’t God’s will. I wasn’t supposed to do anything. God took care of it all – in the most amazing, unbelievable ways. And I never even had to lift a finger. All that was required of me was to continue to maintain the fort in anticipation of better days …

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:17-18 (ESV)