Chapter 6 – Forget About His Will for Your Life

I had an interview at the University of Illinois and it was one of those all day jobs. I had to meet with everyone. At one point I was in an office one on one with a woman who wanted to know where I saw myself in five years and then in ten years. I think I probably laughed. And I know I didn’t give her the kind of answer she wanted. I could have told her what she wanted to hear, but instead I told her the truth.

How could anyone possibly know where they were going to be in ten, even five years? I might be dead tomorrow. I certainly had never intended on being out of a job either. That certainly wasn’t in my plan. For that matter, it was never my plan to be an academic, medical, corporate librarian either. I definitely didn’t strive to be a part time paraprofessional children’s librarian.

I am in the job I am because it was God’s plan for me. It was the best option for my family even though there was no way I could have known that myself. I was forced to take the job. But it was the best possible thing that could have happened. I never would have known how much I adore children’s librarianship if I had been left to my own devices and plans.

We are so blessed that God doesn’t sit us down and ask us for a 5-year or 10-year plan. We should be grateful that God doesn’t sit us down and tell us our 5-year or 10-year plan. Even though that is what some of us would like. Some of us would prefer for God to tell us what we are here for. We want to know so that we can do it right. OR we like the fact that we don’t know, just in case we’ve gotten it horribly wrong.

I have come to terms with the fact that God isn’t going to tell me specifically what to do. He has given me plenty of choices and options. He has blessed me with various and lovely gifts. He has given me an intelligent, functioning brain. There is so very much that I can do. And God has left it up to me, as a free-thinking, unique individual to decide what I want to do with His blessings myself.

What I am struggling with is doing them. To the best of my ability. In every possible moment. In every possibly way. To His Glory. I need to learn to live moment by moment, trusting in Him and letting Him lead me. Then there is no worry or anxiety for the future. And there is His joy that gives me my strength. And someday I will know His peace.

About 40,000 ready for war passed over before the Lord for battle, to the plains of Jericho.
 Joshua 4:13 (ESV)

Chapter 5 – A Real Relationship

Chan talks about aspects of our lives that make it very difficult to have a close relationship with the Spirit.

Comfort – Maybe your life is too safe. I am self-sustainable. I have a plan and it’s running smoothly. I even have plans for kinks in the road. I have backup plans. And backup plans for the backup plans.

But I remember a time in the not so distant past when a huge obstacle was thrown in my path and it looked like I would lose EVERYTHING except my family and my life. And yes, I started in on some plans, plans that I thought were good, made sense, and were doable – and yet they didn’t work.

But God came through for me in big and amazing ways. Ways I never could have seen. Miracles. I started listening and trusting and praising.

Now I’m back to comfortable. Too comfortable.

Volume – Maybe your life is too loud. I am an excellent multitasker. Just like the author, I can text a friend while writing an email and having a conversation with both my husband and my daughter. Who am I focusing on when I do this? Not one thing.

Even when it is quiet and there is no one around, I still hear white noise. The fish tank’s motor groans and moans. The dehumidifiers whoosh. The computer droans. No peace. No quiet. Ever.

But I do start to get nervous, when I have eliminated just about every particle of sound in the air. It’s too quiet. What will the Spirit say to me. What will He require? Like Chan, like the Prodigal Son, I am scared to approach the Father. I am not worthy. I eat and sleep with the pigs.

Quenching the Holy Spirit’s conviction. So even in the solitude, my mind tries to force the Spirit out. Remember that book? The Battlefield of the Mind? That wasn’t all so long ago … I’m supposed to have a rested mind, but alert and … must go back and reread …

And he declared to you his covenant, which he commanded you to perform, that is, the Ten Commandments, and he wrote them on two tablets of stone.

Deuteronomy 4:13 (ESV)

Chapter 4 – Why Do You Want Him?

Why do I want Him? Do I want Him? What will I look like with Him?

The author poses the question, “Do you love the church?” He’s nice and gives a scale of 1 to 10. But my answer is “No, I don’t.”

In reading these last few books, I’m thinking something that I have never thought before. Before, I always worried in a childish way about whether I would lose my faith in Jesus. That panicked, what if the one time I decide that I don’t believe in Him, I happen to die. Then what?

Now, I am thinking, I am not a Christian. And I’m scared to death. Yes, I believe in Jesus Christ. Yes, He died for all that we might live. Yes, He loves me. But do I follow Him? Do I obey Him? Do I love Him? Do I love His church? Is His Spirit within me?

It occurs to me, as it always does, that I need to pray. I need to pray strong prayers for a change of heart. I can make a list of all the things that are evil about me and pray that the Holy Spirit can pray on my behalf for a new creation.

Jesus did speak to my heart yesterday. I was driving and I almost burst into tears. He told me that He is big enough. He died for it all. He died for everything. He died for everyone. There is nothing I could possibly do to change the way He feels about me. I am His. I was purchased and won. I need to trust Him.

Why do I want the Holy Spirit? I don’t think it is for the right reasons. I know it is not for the right reasons. But for now, I want Him so that I can be what I was taught to be and not what I am. I want to live the life that I was promised and not the life I have settled for. I want to be reborn.

And they shall take away the ashes from the altar and spread a purple cloth over it.

Numbers 4:13 (ESV)

Chapter 3 – Theology of the Holy Spirit 101

And sometimes you get nothing.

I read a book yesterday called A Long Walk to Water. There are two stories. In the present day, a fictional Sudanese girl walks to a pond twice a day to retrieve water for her family. The two trips take up her entire day.

In the not so distant past, a Sudanese boy is forced to flee his village due to war. He spends most of his childhood years as a refugee walking thousands of miles in between refugee camps. He ends up placed with an American family.

The two stories converge when the boy, now a man, returns to his homeland to bring water and education to his people. Not only does he build a well in the girl’s village, but because the children no longer need to spend their entire day walking to retrieve water, he builds a school for them.

The well doesn’t only bring life and hope to the village where it is located, but it also brings them to the surrounding villages. A gift that keeps on giving, exponentially. And it comes out of the pain and suffering of one man’s, child’s life.

And there is more! The man and the girl are from two separate tribes that don’t even like each other! The two tribes have been fighting since before either of our characters was born. The tribes have fought and killed over land – rich land – water rich land.

Why am I book reviewing in the wrong blog? The power of a book is why. This book did more for my heart and mind and soul because it tells a story that demonstrates how our lives should be lived when filled with the Spirit.

This book shows me how one person found their passion, and through persistence, changed the way of life for the future of the children of his homeland.

Perhaps the Bible verse isn’t so off the wall anyway. I think we need to save the next generation from our stupor.

If the whole congregation of Israel sins unintentionally and the thing is hidden from the eyes of the assembly, and they do any one of the things that by the Lord’s commandments ought not to be done, and they realize their guilt …

Leviticus 4:13 (ESV)

Chapter 2 – What Are You Afraid Of?

I’m sitting here laughing. God has such a sense of humor. I just found my verse for today. Perfect. Here’s my personal response. “Oh, my Lord, surely you mean someone else. You cannot possibly mean me.”

It’s most unfortunate. I read my chapter the day before yesterday. My head is fuzzy and I barely remember what it was about. But I love the title. What am I afraid of.

I am afraid that someone will say no. I am afraid that someone will say yes. And so I say nothing. You would think that if I just got over myself, and asked, I would have the answer and would be set free. Yeah, right. I will either have my feelings hurt OR I will have a major challenge. I would prefer the challenge.

I KNOW that God will provide me with everything I need to accomplish His goal. And it doesn’t matter where I choose to assert myself. He will do good works through me.

So what am I afraid of.

I want to know my passion. I want to know what spurs me into action. I wish I could say that it was Jesus. But I am not there yet.

This morning’s sermon was the perfect sermon for me. It was the best in a long time. I got an inkling that someone else feels as I do. We all have shadow missions. Missions that are selfish and self-serving.

May I admit here, that one of my shadow missions is to read every book ever printed before everyone else? Ok. So that won’t happen. I just want to be well versed in the literature available today. Do you realize how consumed I am by that?

God told me. Yes, told me. That he wanted me to know his children every bit as well as I know my books. That is a much higher calling. But what have I done about it? Not much at all.

Another shadow mission of mine … I want attention. I want people to love me. I’m being candid and vulnerable. I am being honest.

So what am I afraid of? What if I want what I want for the attention and not because God is calling me. What if I’m not hearing the right call? What if? What if I fail. What if I’m not all that. Hahaha.

I’m all over the place. Again. Intervention.

But he said, “Oh, my Lord, please send someone else.”

Exodus 4:13 (ESV)

Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit by Francis Chan

Chapter 1 – I’ve Got Jesus. Why Do I Need the Spirit?

The author asks, “When was the last time [you] undeniably saw the Spirit at work in or around [you]?”

I would say that I feel Him on a daily basis. The last time I was monumentally moved by Him was a couple of months ago perhaps. I have felt Him in such a way multiple times within the last year. Define multiple. Okay, my first inclination is to pat myself on the back. NOT. The author quickly redirects the reader to praise and thank God instead.

I am thankful that I am aware of the Spirit moving within me. I am grateful for God’s mercy for I don’t always react or act according to the Spirit’s direction.

I am not afraid of the charismatic. In fact, I would rather become familiar with the charismatic. I don’t want that to come off in a “sideshow” or “carnival” tone. My church believes in the supernatural gifts of the Spirit. We just aren’t very welcoming to them.

I have seen them undeniably at work once. I have heard about them. I have read about them. I long for them. I desire a close relationship with the Holy Spirit. And I wish to ask for these gifts for myself. I just don’t think I do a very good job with the gifts that I already have.

What, do I think I must earn them? Like the parable of the talents? If I do well with the gifts I have been given, the Spirit will multiply them? Is that where/how it works?

I took a Bible Study class called Spiritual Warfare. It was a couple of years ago I think now. It’s getting further and further away in my memory. It was the last great Bible Study I took. I wish to take it again.

I always felt that there was something more involved that I was missing. I think it could have been taken further. Actually, I KNOW it could have been taken further. I think I need to contact someone … I don’t have to do it alone.

I’m trying something different with my Bible verses. It’s something Chan wrote about the difference between exegesis and eisegesis. HA. I spelled them without looking ;) Instead of looking for a Bible verse that supports what I am thinking, I am picking a Bible verse and looking for what it says to me. But there is a rhyme and reason to my supposed randomness. I love a good inside joke!

Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is greater than I can bear.”

Genesis 4:13 (ESV)

Chapter 10 – The Crux of the Matter

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in men. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good.

1 Corinthians 12:4-7

I was looking through my books yesterday evening to decide which book to read next – like a kid in a candy store. They fall into 4 categories: another Chan book, the Christian artist, discipleship, and the church in transition. I really wanted a break from Chan. I think discipleship needs to wait. I know the transition book needs to wait. And that left creative calling books.

I have two kinds of Artist books – those by Rory Noland and a different author. I need a break from Noland. Which left the other creative book.

But here I am, between two verses concerning the gift of the Holy Spirit AND the gifts of the Holy Spirit. And I am convicted to read Forgotten God by Chan. And I am squidgy about Chan. Don’t ask me what that means because I still haven’t placed a finger upon it.

I had a sermon last night that I didn’t “get.” In fact, there have been a lot of those lately. They are not translating in my brain. They are incoherent. I cannot follow the train of thought. I think I have a brain tumor.

I definitely heard, “Stop complaining. It’s not about you.” And I suppose there are a bunch of us complaining because we want to have it “our way.” But there are those of us who always get to have it our way. I determine my story time. And if you don’t want books about eggs, I am sorry, but you are stuck here. Well, the 4-year-old is ‘cause he cannot drive. But I am not. I am an adult and I can go find a different story time.

Great! I’m snarky this morning and totally off track.

I LOVE the idea that Chan’s church gives away 50% of its budget.

I think it would be extremely, cooly, radical for members of our parochial school to pay full tuition to attend our school and give the tuition reimbursement that our churches provide to non-members.

If one of us did it, no one would even notice, but if a lot of us did. Impact. And not advertised in papers. Kind of like Oprah paying for the person next in line and they don’t know they’re getting a free meal. Without the media blitz.

And what about free daycare?

And what about foregoing pay?

Seriously. Something is wrong with the picture when you can offer your services free of charge and you’re NOT taken up on it.

Time to shut up!

I tell you the truth: It is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Counselor will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. When he comes, he will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment…. When he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth.

John 16:7-8, 13

Chapter 9 – Who Really Lives that Way?

And maybe today there is none.

I don’t understand. There is much that can be done and there are many who could do it. But we don’t join together and go for it. Rather we work grudgingly towards that which we cannot agree upon and grow steadily farther apart.

We market our advances to the world, but it is more like a dirty little secret at home.

Thousands, millions? wasted upon comfort. Holing ourselves up and setting ourselves apart. Pretending to love each other, but doing a horrible job of it.

Spinning our wheels on events and numbers and food. Making tons of food that will go to waste for people who pay for it, but don’t eat it. But everyone will comment on how delightful or gorgeous it is and send compliments to the cook who will be ready with the recipe.

Requiring ministries of each other. Ministries which require volunteers and time and effort and love. Wanting to make little packages of lovely to share with others in safe places.

And who am I? I don’t have a ministry of my own. I don’t know what my passion is for. I know what my passion is not. And when I refuse … blank stares. Expectant stares.

I am already worn thin. I am not being filled and am led to believe it is my own fault. And perhaps it is. Perhaps I should be doing a better job of teaching myself, leading myself, guiding myself.

I know that is wrong.

I’m not seeking the right person. I’m seeking someone who will speak in words that I can understand. I am seeking someone who can tell me yes or no. I am seeking someone with their own agenda so that I know where I stand.

I am not seeking the right person.

I need to seek the One. The One who needs no appointment book. The One who is always there. The One who would never stand me up. The One who would always take a moment for me. The One who would never forget me and would always recognize me. The One who knows what I was made for and what I can do and what I was made to do.

Alas, I see now. I know how he feels. He feels ignored. By me. And it’s not a lovely place to be. It’s miserable.

Save me.

Chapter 8 – Profile of the Obsessed

“If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lent to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and you reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High…”

Let’s see. A year to two years ago, I was approached for money by an old acquaintance. It wasn’t a large sum. I wouldn’t miss it. I recall that it was a Jesus thing that I even did it. I just trusted someone and what they said. I believed in them when others wouldn’t. I was told I would be reimbursed. I didn’t care.

I shared (my mistake) what I did with two friends. One who knew the person better than I did and one who is generous in helping others on a regular basis. I was shocked at the response I received.  The former informed me that the money would most likely go to drugs. The latter was not enthusiastic and hoped against hope that I would get my money back.

I didn’t care. I was glad that I did it. Well, I surely did not want to invest in drugs. I didn’t mind so much if it was a lie or I wasn’t repaid. But I didn’t want the person to cause harm to anyone.

I received a thank you – flattering thank you. I am ashamed. And then never heard from them again. I was worried for them. But I was okay with it. I had expected it.

They have resurfaced! And I am so happy. I hope things are going well. And I hope I can be as trusting as before if necessary. To be naïve.

I think this is about as obsessed as I have gotten …

The helpful part of this chapter concerned Grandma Clara. They were in a theater and the author asked his grandmother-in-law if she was enjoying herself. And she said no. If Jesus were to come right at that moment, she really didn’t want to be found in a theater. LOVE IT!

I thought like Grandma Clara intermittently throughout the day. I wasn’t too proud of any of the places Jesus would have found me. I was pleased that my children were in a school that professes Jesus. I was pleased that my husband was working hard to support his family. And I was not doing anything exceptionally God-pleasing. That cannot continue.

“…for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.”

Luke 6:32-36 (ESV)

Chapter 7 – Your Best Life … Later

For I do not mean that others should be eased and you burdened, but that as a matter of fairness your abundance at the present time should supply their need, so that their abundance may supply your need, that there may be fairness. As it is written, “Whoever gathered much had nothing left over, and whoever gathered little had no lack.”

2 Corinthians 8:13-15

I am the “large group leader” of about 30-40 children, aged 3 years to 6^th grade on Sunday mornings between services. I have 30 minutes with them give or take depending upon the pastor’s sermon. The first 10 minutes is devoted to singing. The second 10 minutes is devoted to the Bible story. The last 10 minutes I use as I see fit.

The children’s offerings for this quarter will be going to Feed My Starving Children. Our church will be hosting a MobilePak where we need 500 volunteers and $24,000 in order to prepare 100,000 meals for starving children most likely in a third world country. This is where my extra 10 minutes has been going.

The first week, I ate a Big Kids Happy Meal in front of the children. Double cheeseburger, French fries with globs of ketchup and a Coke – all for $3.55 not including tax, time and gas. We could have fed 16 children instead. I challenged them to skip their Happy Meal for a week and bring in their 16 quarters instead.

Yesterday, I brought in my leftover cup from my Starbucks, venti, cinnamon dolce latte. Didn’t want to be hard on the children. They learn their habits from their parents. They were astounded that my coffee cost more than my Happy Meal. I still cannot believe it myself! I could have fed 20 starving children instead.

I really want to address that God has richly blessed us. And it’s not that we should never enjoy a Happy Meal again. But we need to share. And it doesn’t take much to save a life. I told them that I had at least enjoyed my coffee in fellowship with a dear friend, but perhaps next time we should have a McDonald’s $1.53 cup of coffee. Or better yet – stay home and make some coffee.

The hardest thing for me is that it is difficult to be radically generous when we are surrounded by the American Dream especially if it is in the guise of Christianity. There are generations of us who have been raised to have both Jesus and the Dream in parallel fashion. I really don’t want my children growing up confused. That is where I have ended up.

“Do you love me? Feed my lambs … Do you love me? Tend my sheep … Do you love me? Feed my sheep”

From John 21:15-17 (ESV)

Chapter 6 – When You’re in Love

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.

Revelation 4:20

Here I am sandwiched between Bible verses. ;) Variety. The spice of life.

I understand what being in love is like. I remember loving my mother. There was no one else more important in my world. It broke my heart when we were separated. I didn’t want to be anywhere else.

I remember falling in love, (whether you could call it that or not. It might have been falling in like,) with various boyfriends. Heart palpitations whenever we were around each other. The anticipation of the next meeting was always my favorite sensation. Going out of our way to be with each other must have been traumatic for our parents.

And then there was the time I finally, actually, fell in love like love at first sight. And everyone knew it before I did. My mom said she knew from the moment I said his name the first time. I was teased mercilessly when I suggested we were just friends. After all, it was all too good to be true. And love is dangerous. There is always the opportunity for feelings not to be returned – or for feelings not to be returned in the same intensity.

I hear about being in such a madly, deeply, intimately, loving relationship with Jesus. And I have to confess – I don’t get it. I am not so much concerned, but I want to get it!

I fully believe that the problem is my own distance. I’m scared to get too close. He is so demanding. And I am a people pleaser. I want to please Him. But I have a hard enough time pleasing those around me.

I am relatively certain I’m not going to discover this intimacy in a book. I will continue to be teased by others who have discovered it for themselves, or at least say they do! I have a problem trusting in the sincerity of others especially when it is sugar-coated.

So I am planning my next adventure after I finish these books. I’ve accumulated a few and I don’t want to be wasteful. But I am going to stop looking for Jesus in other people’s words and devote that time to my quiet time in seeking my bridegroom… Wow. I said it!

You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:13

Chapter 5 – Serving Leftovers to a Holy God

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

At the author's suggestion:

Alissa is patient, Alissa is kind. Alissa does not envy, Alissa does not boast, Alissa is not proud. Alissa does no dishonor others, Alissa is not self-seeking, Alissa is not easily angered, Alissa keeps no record of wrongs. Alissa does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Alissa always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Not even close, unfortunately.

I think the author could have spared me chapters 2-3. 4 and 5 are the meat that I have been longing for, but am terrified of. He is not tiptoeing. He came right out and said it. And not that 5 was the hardest chapter for him to write, which it was and I believe him. It was the hardest chapter to read. He has trouble sleeping at night and now I will have trouble sleeping at night.

No, he said this, "To put it plainly, churchgoers who are "lukewarm" are not Christians. We will not see them in heaven."

Did I not say yesterday that I am lukewarm?

This is the kind of chapter that has me in a panic to seek my pastor for assurances. If I were less logical, I would have demanded an immediate appointment. This is a CRISIS. I might die in the next 5 minutes. As it is, there are not availabilities to meet with either one until next week and that might be too late.

I am grateful for the author's next words, "I do not want true believers to doubt their salvation as they read this book. In the midst of our failed attempts at loving Jesus, His grace covers us."

Now I must decide if I am a true believer, running uphill on the downward escalator against traffic longing to get closer to Christ. I'd like to think that I am. I am just tired at the moment and riding dejectedly backwards, catching my breath to begin again …

Chapter 4 – Profile of the Lukewarm

Here’s an example of my confusion. I was surfing in chapter 4 for my Bible verse for today and found the following:

Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.
James 4:17

I recognize this – this wording. In a cursory glance, I cannot find which version of the Bible it is taken from. It doesn’t say. Towards the back, I see the ESV being used. I think I prefer NIV and I wonder if that would be the one I think it is.

I chose this verse today because I am struggling with something. I know something good that I could do, but I haven’t come forward to do it. And here’s why … I’m scared that I will be rejected. And isn’t that one of the primary ingredients of a Lukewarm Christian? We are frightened to come forward and share our Love of Christ?

But I opened MY Lutheran Study Bible, which happens to be ESV and I don’t know why and it bothers me because some of the verses I love are no longer in the form that I love. They are all cockamamied. And I find the following:

So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

James 4:17 (ESV)

Which doesn’t so much seem to mean sins of omission anymore – the good you could do but don’t. No, it’s very obviously the sins against the Law. If you know your Ten Commandments and fail to do them, you are sinning. Duh!

So what does it mean that I am choosing the first version, the version Chan used, to contemplate today rather than the version in my Bible? I won’t argue. They are both right. I cannot deny the truth in either of them.

So if anybody has any doubt as to whether they are a Lukewarm Christian or not, this chapter is excellent proof that you probably are. Chan makes a very convincing argument with Biblical support that American Christians are Lukewarm. If you are one of the few who are NOT, you are most likely not reading this book anyway. You are already on fire for Christ and are doing better things in this life.

I am taking a break from legalism. I didn’t run all week and I am not feeling guilty in the least. Now if I could only do that in my spiritual life. Not feel guilty for not doing something. i.e. not having quiet time and doing something else instead. That’s purely an example. I still haven’t found a quiet time. Oh, I read and I write, but that’s not what I need to be doing. Epic procrastinator. Position opening – mentor.

Chapter 3 – Crazy Love

No one is good except God alone.

And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone.”

Luke 18:19 (ESV)

Jesus is speaking to the rich man.

Note: “Jesus points to a perfect goodness – His own – which the ruler does not yet understand.”

Is this a hint, hint, nod, nod, wink, wink, you know what I mean? Is this Jesus saying, “You call me good therefore you recognize that I am I AM.”?

Is this Jesus merely pointing to the Father? Diminishing Himself?

Why would he say this and why would it be recorded?

A regular, human rabbi could say this as well. It would just mean precisely what it says. A rabbi saying it wouldn’t create a conundrum in my head.

And the author just uses the second half of the verse.

The hardest part for me in writing this blog has been finding an appropriate Bible verse nearly daily. I thought it appropriate to end with one. I like closure – good closure. In the beginning, I searched. Recently, I’ve been cheating – to save time ;). I pick one from the chapter I’ve been reading.

I’ve run into a problem with these last two books, particularly the previous. I am amazed at the number of times I pick a verse I want to use based upon its presentation in the chapter. But then I am stumped by what it actually is in the Bible. I cannot use it "without" or the way the author did. I feel like it has been taken out of context?...

I’m not professing to be the know all, be all. I do not have a divinity degree. I’m the information girl. I am educated in books. If the first line of a book has a simple error in it, there are some who would be done with it. The book is not worthy. I am more the type to watch the train derail. I go looking for more errors and inconsistencies.

Sorry, tangent of the moment.

I am dissatisfied.

My current favorite Christian author is even changing in his blog. He HAD been blogging ideas from his new book. I think it will be about being a Creator. It’s been okay, but where I used to look forward, daily, to his blogs, I have been going back and reading half months at a time …

But I noticed that recently, he has been reading the book of John. And savoring it. I think he is dissatisfied too.

I think it is time to get off the train … but I never DON’T finish a book. Teach me to buy several books at a time! When did I start purchasing books anyway?

Walk away Alissa. Walk away.

(I'm looking for meat. I've found cherry fluff.)

Chapter 2 – You Might Not Finish This Chapter

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:4-8 (ESV)

Yes, I did just start my blog with the Bible verse – Bible verses rather. Do not think ill of me. I love Philippians 4:4. I love Philippians 4:6. I have grown up listening to Philippians 4:7 weekly at church. Philippians 4:8 is not a stranger to me. I don’t recall ever having to memorize Philippians 4:5. Why not? It would not be difficult for me to memorize these verses in their entirety. I’m pretty close already. But how have I never realized that they were all there – right there – together. Why do I remember each as separate?

Rejoice in the Lord.

(Be reasonable.)

Do not be anxious.

Ask God.

God’s peace guard you.

Think about excellent things.

NO.

Rejoice in the Lord. Be reasonable. Do not be anxious. Ask God. God’s peace guard you. Think about excellent things.

All this to say. I might not finish this blog. I might not get my girls to school. I might not last the day. I don’t know when my time will be up. And I don’t live as such. I live as though I will live to be 100 and I am already bored.

I am not paying attention. I am accumulating knowledge. Hoarding it. Do I really need to read one more book?

STOP.

I’ve decided I’m depressed. You see, chapter 1 was about our awesome God and it inspired me to try to put to words how He makes me feel through His creation. His attributes displayed through His creation. Chapter 2 is about our insignificance. This is God’s movie – not ours. But that is dwelling on ourselves for a chapter, all be it a short one. And at the end of the day, I couldn’t remember if I had actually read it or not.

And the most inspiring thing I found when I scanned the chapter to see what I had missed was the Bible verse(s). Which is as it should be, yes?

Do I want to glorify my God through my writing? Why yes. Wouldn’t that be amazing – rather isn’t God amazing.

Wouldn’t I love to be inspired everyday like I was yesterday? Why yes.

Will it happen?

It seems I tend to complain on a daily basis. I am not rejoicing.

I need to rethink this.

Hopefully, Chapter 3 will be more memorable. Hahaha. Do we buy our books for personalities? I remember a book by a Christian about God where I thought, boy, she’s talking a lot about herself and her uniqueness. It was even worse to watch the video that went along with it. I haven’t watched a video of an author since until this book where there were videos to go with. Hmmm.

They say television changed the way we vote for presidents. And now it seems to be more a popularity contest … perhaps the same has been done with our religious leaders. Would we have savored C.S. Lewis’ writing more or less if we had the videos of him to go along with his books?

Rejoice in the Lord always. I say it again – REJOICE!

Chapter 1 – Stop Praying

Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God by Francis Chan

Most humorous Father, Maker of massive Elephant with its serpentine nose.
Elephant traverses with mighty stumps that shake the ground we stand upon.
Elephant makes us look fragile.

You are infinitely more than Elephant. You made him.

Most joyful Father, Maker of tremendous Whale with its graceful leaps against gravity.
Whale cavorts with epic dives where we fear to follow.
Whale makes us look dull.
You are infinitely more than Whale. You made him.

Most comprehensive Father, Maker of mega-system Earth with its interdependent micro-systems.
Earth runs as a perpetual motion machine hanging from an invisible wire that we try to define rather than contemplate.
Earth makes us look simple.
You are infinitely more than Earth. You made her.

Most wrathful Father, Maker of fireball Sun with its ravenous fiery flares.
Sun gives us life-sustaining warmth while remaining at a safe distance.
Sun makes us look weak.
You are infinitely more than Sun. You made him.

Most musical Father, Maker of pirouetting Galaxy with its nimble dance through the heavens.
Galaxy, well-choreographed, spins and trips through space, not limited to a plane as we are.
Galaxy makes us look clumsy.
You are infinitely more than Galaxy. You made it.

Most artistic Father, Maker of far-reaching Universe with its arms ever-spreading and never ending.
Universe is dizzying and delightful and dazzling and surrounds us even as we find its reach incomprehensible.
Universe makes us look insignificant.
You are infinitely more than Universe. You made it.

For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse.

Romans 1:20 (ESV)

Chapter 10 – The Spiritual Disciplines of the Artist

1.     What kinds of activities are vital for any relationship between two people to grow? They must spend time together; listen to one another; get to know one another; be equal in their dealings with one another; support one another in their endeavors; and be there for the good and the bad – the triumphs and the failures – the celebrations and the hiding-in-dark-caves.

2.    What kinds of activities are vital for our relationship with the Lord to grow? We must spend time with Him and listen to His spirit. We need to know His Word – dwell on it, memorize it, savor it, study it. We must seek Him out. We must pray to Him for all things. We need to worship Him and praise Him in ways that fill us, but also in ways that challenge us.

3.    What are some of the challenges people face in establishing a regular quiet time with the Lord? We are TOO busy and life is not quiet. It is like our tithes. When things get stressful, it is the first thing to go or suffer. The first thing to get rid of.

4.    Do you think journaling is a good idea? Why or why not? For some people it might be a good job. The word journaling automatically turns me off. But I’ll admit that journaling, aka blogging, has held me accountable. It would probably be in my best interest to go back and read what I have written. See if I have accomplished what I set out to accomplish. What I have forgotten. What has changed in my direction. What I enjoyed and what I didn’t.

5.    Do you think using a prayer list is a good idea? Why or why not? Probably. I don’t do lists. But I also forget things a lot. I keep telling myself I need to pray about certain things, but I never get around to them. A list might hold me more accountable. Maybe instead of crossing things off, I can check mark them.

6.    Do you have any other suggestions for those just starting out in establishing the routine of a regular quiet time? Just do it. Do what I say and not what I do. I still haven’t established a quiet time. I’m failing miserably on that count. Not denying that I need it, but I’m not yet comfortable with being alone and quiet with the Lord.

7.     Do you have any other suggestions for those whose quiet times have become dry and dull? I love the author’s suggestions of trying to do things differently when quiet times become boring. Taking a walk. Listening to music. Perhaps my blogging has been my quiet times. I’ve suggested to myself that I act as if I am writing to God. Didn’t last more than a day. But I love when I get to paint and it’s quiet. That could be my quiet time when that is on my plate. Doing something else instead. And not feeling guilty for it. I have lots of quiet times that I fill with books. Am I willing to give up a portion of that time?

8.    Right now, where are you spiritually? Do you feel connected to God or far away? What can you do to get connected again? I’m going to say that I feel more religious than ever before, but not feeling very spiritual. Although I am trying desperately. Failing to train. I feel that God is far more than He is near. I am being called to pray more. I am being called to pay better attention. I am being called to be still. I am being called to seek and to serve. But I am confused. If I would talk more to God, I know that I could get these things settled. I just know I don’t want to hear what He is going to tell me. Like a wayward child being disciplined by the parent.

9.    What sorts of things cause you to feel close to God? (For example, reading the Bible, walking at sunset, listening to tapes or worship music, going to church, and so on.) How often are these things part of your regular routine? Music makes me feel closer to God. Nature, animals, the stars make me feel in awe of Him and His creativity and creation. When He does provide me with answers and I hear Him, I feel close. Church does not make me feel close. It feels routine and ritualistic. That’s why I have felt that I need to go beyond. But I’m not sure how.

10. How can we keep from becoming legalistic about spiritual disciplines? I am legalistic. I feel guilt when I don’t do what I am supposed to do. If I miss a day, I feel like a failure. I didn’t run last Thursday because the winds were in excess of 13 miles per hour and the weather was cold and miserable. I didn’t run this morning for the same reason PLUS I am still recovering from lack of sleep, aka time change. I am trying not to feel guilty. And that is just running. I know I will continue. I missed whole weeks when it snowed and I returned. There is something that I have stopped doing because I have been asked to stop and I am stopping out of respect to authority. Mind you, what I was doing was a good thing, but it was stressful to someone else. I’m having trouble with guilt for having to stop. I feel compelled to be sneaky – which is no better. I have to give it to the Lord and trust that He knows my heart in that regard. We cannot be perfect. We must remember the Gospel. Law is important, but we are saved by Grace. Eternity cannot be earned.

But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect.

1 Peter 3:15 (ESV)