Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Chapter 4 – Why Do You Want Him?

Why do I want Him? Do I want Him? What will I look like with Him?

The author poses the question, “Do you love the church?” He’s nice and gives a scale of 1 to 10. But my answer is “No, I don’t.”

In reading these last few books, I’m thinking something that I have never thought before. Before, I always worried in a childish way about whether I would lose my faith in Jesus. That panicked, what if the one time I decide that I don’t believe in Him, I happen to die. Then what?

Now, I am thinking, I am not a Christian. And I’m scared to death. Yes, I believe in Jesus Christ. Yes, He died for all that we might live. Yes, He loves me. But do I follow Him? Do I obey Him? Do I love Him? Do I love His church? Is His Spirit within me?

It occurs to me, as it always does, that I need to pray. I need to pray strong prayers for a change of heart. I can make a list of all the things that are evil about me and pray that the Holy Spirit can pray on my behalf for a new creation.

Jesus did speak to my heart yesterday. I was driving and I almost burst into tears. He told me that He is big enough. He died for it all. He died for everything. He died for everyone. There is nothing I could possibly do to change the way He feels about me. I am His. I was purchased and won. I need to trust Him.

Why do I want the Holy Spirit? I don’t think it is for the right reasons. I know it is not for the right reasons. But for now, I want Him so that I can be what I was taught to be and not what I am. I want to live the life that I was promised and not the life I have settled for. I want to be reborn.

And they shall take away the ashes from the altar and spread a purple cloth over it.
Numbers 4:13 (ESV)

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