Chapter 9 – Who Really Lives that Way?

And maybe today there is none.

I don’t understand. There is much that can be done and there are many who could do it. But we don’t join together and go for it. Rather we work grudgingly towards that which we cannot agree upon and grow steadily farther apart.

We market our advances to the world, but it is more like a dirty little secret at home.

Thousands, millions? wasted upon comfort. Holing ourselves up and setting ourselves apart. Pretending to love each other, but doing a horrible job of it.

Spinning our wheels on events and numbers and food. Making tons of food that will go to waste for people who pay for it, but don’t eat it. But everyone will comment on how delightful or gorgeous it is and send compliments to the cook who will be ready with the recipe.

Requiring ministries of each other. Ministries which require volunteers and time and effort and love. Wanting to make little packages of lovely to share with others in safe places.

And who am I? I don’t have a ministry of my own. I don’t know what my passion is for. I know what my passion is not. And when I refuse … blank stares. Expectant stares.

I am already worn thin. I am not being filled and am led to believe it is my own fault. And perhaps it is. Perhaps I should be doing a better job of teaching myself, leading myself, guiding myself.

I know that is wrong.

I’m not seeking the right person. I’m seeking someone who will speak in words that I can understand. I am seeking someone who can tell me yes or no. I am seeking someone with their own agenda so that I know where I stand.

I am not seeking the right person.

I need to seek the One. The One who needs no appointment book. The One who is always there. The One who would never stand me up. The One who would always take a moment for me. The One who would never forget me and would always recognize me. The One who knows what I was made for and what I can do and what I was made to do.

Alas, I see now. I know how he feels. He feels ignored. By me. And it’s not a lovely place to be. It’s miserable.

Save me.