Chapter 2 – What Are You Afraid Of?

I’m sitting here laughing. God has such a sense of humor. I just found my verse for today. Perfect. Here’s my personal response. “Oh, my Lord, surely you mean someone else. You cannot possibly mean me.”

It’s most unfortunate. I read my chapter the day before yesterday. My head is fuzzy and I barely remember what it was about. But I love the title. What am I afraid of.

I am afraid that someone will say no. I am afraid that someone will say yes. And so I say nothing. You would think that if I just got over myself, and asked, I would have the answer and would be set free. Yeah, right. I will either have my feelings hurt OR I will have a major challenge. I would prefer the challenge.

I KNOW that God will provide me with everything I need to accomplish His goal. And it doesn’t matter where I choose to assert myself. He will do good works through me.

So what am I afraid of.

I want to know my passion. I want to know what spurs me into action. I wish I could say that it was Jesus. But I am not there yet.

This morning’s sermon was the perfect sermon for me. It was the best in a long time. I got an inkling that someone else feels as I do. We all have shadow missions. Missions that are selfish and self-serving.

May I admit here, that one of my shadow missions is to read every book ever printed before everyone else? Ok. So that won’t happen. I just want to be well versed in the literature available today. Do you realize how consumed I am by that?

God told me. Yes, told me. That he wanted me to know his children every bit as well as I know my books. That is a much higher calling. But what have I done about it? Not much at all.

Another shadow mission of mine … I want attention. I want people to love me. I’m being candid and vulnerable. I am being honest.

So what am I afraid of? What if I want what I want for the attention and not because God is calling me. What if I’m not hearing the right call? What if? What if I fail. What if I’m not all that. Hahaha.

I’m all over the place. Again. Intervention.

But he said, “Oh, my Lord, please send someone else.”

Exodus 4:13 (ESV)