Dwelling on Boundary Markers

I started writing this yesterday and was appalled at myself. I started erasing what I wrote, but am not feeling much better today. Not feeling like even going through the motions. Finishing these questions is all that is stopping me from reading chapter 3. Then I thought, maybe I’ll just read it anyway and go back later. While I sit here, I realize that at least I was being authentic even if I was broken. Maybe I need to get it all out of my system. Call myself out on it. Bring the judgment on myself. Because I hate dwelling on it. I’m ready to move forward, I think. No, I’m not. I cannot move forward until I deal with this.

So I apologize in advance at how ugly I can be on the inside.

Boundary markers that reflect my church or community:

·        Vocabulary – It was a strange conversation. A friend/co-worker and I were talking to a third co-worker from another department. My friend used the word “countenance” to describe an expression he had made. He didn’t know what she had meant by that word. My friend and I both automatically rattled off the church Blessing in way of explanation and he was even more confused. Wow. Naïve me assumed it was a given as if everyone has attended a church service and received the blessing.

·        Dress – Personally, I find it offensive that church members dress to the nines for their business, job, career, and come to worship in sloppy t-shirts and jeans. (Going right along with that, I find it offensive that church members cannot get up and motivated to attend church on a regular basis, but can make it to the office at all hours rain or shine.) And I’m mortified that this is one of the boundary markers that will separate the people from the multiple worship services within my own congregation.

·        Major dos – I must be feeling cynical this morning.

·        Major don’ts – Because I watch the major don’ts happen.

·        Worship style – The other boundary marker that separates the people of my congregation. You would think that worship was all about the music. Why can’t I have a place where I can have both extremes and everything in between? And so that it doesn’t seem that I buy into the notion of the worship style being defined by the music … regardless of how contemporary our service is, we do NOT talk out of turn. We do not Amen or Hallelujah. And it is rare that someone is willing to raise their arms to the Lord.

I’m avoiding the pitfalls of boundary-marker spirituality and seeking to grow in authentic faith by …

I guess I’m not. I think I’m embracing the boundary markers and then am offended when someone else opens mouth and inserts foot. How do I let go? Wear holey jeans and sloppy oversize t-shirts? I play with that idea, but it wouldn’t be sincere. And it wouldn’t be me. I try to step out of my comfort zone to embrace some growth and keep getting pigeon-holed. Maybe my prison wasn’t made by me, but I’m choosing to live within it and not break free. And I only want a little freedom. Perhaps I need to make a greater leap than I had anticipated … That would CERTAINLY take care of boundary markers.

Where do I fall on the scale of approachability?

·        People tend to avoid you

·        People are comfortable with you

·        People seek you out

Not a fair question when I’m focusing on approaching people myself. And I think that has a lot to do with who the “people” are. Oh, let’s have a pity party! I feel like I’m avoided like the plague.

How can I grow in my approachability and be more like Jesus?

Again, I think I need to focus on the approaching others. I’m the hesitant one. But I know what usually works. When I wear my smile. When I wear my confidence (which I have lost by the way). When I’m firm and make eye contact. When I acknowledge others even with a nod or a look. When I keep the earplugs out. When I remain aware of those around me. When I don’t wear my mood on my sleeve. Because when I’m too authentic with my current level of confusion, it really turns people off and away. No one wants to deal with a basket case. No one has the time for truth. Only pleasantries.

Must remember to turn internal, negative dialog off.

I’ll think I’ll stop for now. I expect too much out of myself.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)