Finally! I got to read chapter 2. And I've had to look at it again and again. Perhaps because these are the very things that I'm struggling with. Let's see if I can explain.
I was born and raised a Christian. A Lutheran to be specific. A Missouri Synod Lutheran to be more specific. And I even came with a most excellent Germanic last name which, of course, is required. All others need not apply. Sub-Culture. Gotta love liturgy. Must dress appropriately. Must sing strongly. Must smile as loudly as possible. I'm starting to imagine those old daguerreotypes with the stern faces. We work hard! We are stubborn! And we are right! Dare to make me laugh! Pastor told the joke during his sermon about Germans not needing a gravestone. Just bury them with their head showing. They're that stubborn.
I was baptized. I went to Lutheran school. I took early communion classes. I served as acolyte – A LOT. I sang in all the choirs. I even danced in choir whether it was approved of or not. I was confirmed. I continued to attend. I even went to "Sunday School" as a High School-er, God forbid. I went to college, but came home often to attend church. I attempted to find a church on campus or around campus, but nothing compared to what I grew up with. Every other church seemed backwards and old-fashioned compared to what I grew up with.
"Faith Factory" – I was assembled with all of the required pieces and then spit out. Was my Bible meant to be my instruction manual? Was I finished? Was there to be no more? What comes next? 'Cause I tell ya' what. I wasn't even close to finished. I had all the correct answers, but still had missed the point. Will the same thing happen to my own daughters? How on Earth am I supposed to prevent that? When I don't even have the most current "update" with all the fixes? Blind leading the blind …
1. Am I spiritually "inauthentic"? In other words – do I answer every question with a standard "Jesus" even if the answer happens to be "squirrel"?
I'm going to say No. I'm not. I think I'm pretty authentic when it comes to my spirituality. No, I'm not going to commit my darkest sins to paper (thank-you author for stopping me) but I think I'm pretty open to the fact that I haven't figured it out yet. And I KNOW some of the right answers, but that doesn't mean I'm going to follow them, or throw them out there if I'm not being honest about it. I recently had a conversation with a friend where we discussed the authenticity of some peoples' signatures in their emails. They aren't necessarily meant or remembered. They're just standard. And I cannot take them seriously. Some even offend me.
2. Am I becoming judgmental or exclusive or proud? (in my Spiritual Growth)
Yes, I am becoming judgmental at least in my thoughts. I am assured by non-Christians and non-practicing Christians that I'm the opposite of judgmental. Not that I asked, but I was surprised to find that out. However, I'm full-fledged judgmental towards myself and perhaps the rest of us hypocritical church-goers. I wouldn't call myself Exclusive – I'm in search of other people I can identify with – then I might be Exclusive. And I wouldn't call myself Proud, however I would agree to call myself "Always Right". I appreciate the author sharing in his book that sometimes God hides your own personal spiritual growth lest you become proud about it. To which I respond – perhaps I am currently in deep, painful, spiritual growth and have hope to come out angelic on the other side. LOL
3. Am I becoming more approachable, or less? For example – Jesus' differentness drew people to him. He didn't distance himself from others even though he was GOD.
I would have said, in the past, people were naturally drawn to me. Young and old, smart and special, conservative and liberal, straight and not. I'm not comfortable in calling myself these things, but I can be dynamic and charismatic. I used to always be happy and smiling and take charge and confident. What happened? When did I stop believing in myself? So the answer is, I think I've become less approachable and more abrasive. And perhaps, because I haven't been "handled" with care, gentleness, kindness, faithfulness, loyalty – I have reacted. I feel like I'm just a warm body filling a space. And any warm body can do that.
4. Am I growing weary of pursuing spiritual growth? (Being both intimidating and unchallenging)
Yes, yes, yes. Intimidated - I am so overwhelmed by all the ways I've got it wrong and all the changes I'll have to make to get it right. Unchallenging – I want that thing that takes me to the next level and I don't know what or where it is and how I can find it. And I know darn well that I prefer a challenge. I just need a challenge I can hope to attain. I can't set the goal too far out of reach. I need guidance and direction and I don't know where to get it. I thought I did, but I think I must have been wrong.
5. Am I measuring my spiritual life in superficial ways? How do I judge my spiritual life?
I don't think I've attempted to measure my spiritual life. I judge that I'm not there yet. Although it's nearly always at the forefront of my mind. If someone were to ask me how I am doing spiritually. I would look at them, in distress, and tell them, "I'm befuddled".
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